


an overwhelming sense of deja vu

by ThisIs479er



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tres Horny Girls, Multi, but I Got Plans., i have a spreadsheet and everything, i plan on doing one chapter per 'episode' split up to match the original sequence of events, it's a pretty big roleswap, pretty much everyone will be here in some way or another, tags will be updated as story progresses, with real dice rolls and character sheets from your friendly neighborhood DM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-14 06:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 59,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13002093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIs479er/pseuds/ThisIs479er
Summary: An elf, a dwarf, and a half-orc walk into a bar. It sounds like the set-up to a bad joke, and it plays out that way a lot of the time.Or: Hekuba is an exhausted single mom trying to wrangle two grown ass children who just wanna goof off.





	1. A Match Made in the Lonely Hearts Cantina

It started like this: An elf, a dwarf, and a half-orc walked into a bar, The Lonely Hearts Cantina. All at different times, all having no recollection of meeting before this moment. 

The elf took a seat near the window, a parasol open-  _ Indoors _ , the bartender noted with a shake of his head- and ordered a shot of Fantasy Fireball. The dwarf, saying a word to no one, dropped their bag at the door and started to pore over maps and large piles of papers kept in manila folders like some sort of bounty hunter. The half-orc, purposefully and imposingly, made her way across the room to sit in a large armchair in front of the fire.

In the span of ten minutes, the elf managed to start six small fires which she stamped out with a grungy pair of sneakers. The dwarf stabbed knives into their map, pinning it to the table and marking a path to  _ something _ . The half-orc kept to herself, but watched the bar intently.

Then, the door opened. A defining moment: A gnome hammered a flier to a cork-board, whose prior purpose was to advertise free dogs, used wagons, and, appropriately, lonely hearts. The second defining moment followed quickly, as a human man pulled the entire flier from the board, announcing a well-paying job from a Gundren Rockseeker. The dwarf with the maps was on him before he could return to his table.

“It’d be smart of you to hand that over while you still got hands,” the dwarf threatened. One broad, small palm rested on the hilt of a gnarly-looking battleaxe.

The human man- Handsome, silvery-armored, a real knight in shining armor with big blonde hair and delicate eyelashes- Laughed haughtily. “Um, no? I think I got to it first.”

“You’ll notice I wasn’t asking,” the dwarf responded. That caught the attention of the half-orc, who rose out of her comfortable chair and approached. 

“What seems to be the problem?” She asked.

“Your friend here doesn’t know when they've been beaten,” the human explained.

“I know when I’m about to  _ start  _ beatin’,” the dwarf shot back. The half-orc grimaced, but stepped between the pair. She eyed the flier in the human’s hands. At the bottom of the parchment, a dozen or so tear-away strips listed a stone of farspeech frequency. 

“Look, that’s obviously like a ‘multiple applicants desired’ ad,” the half-orc pointed out. “Like finding a roommate in college. Why don’t you just take one and leave the rest? You know, like you’re supposed to.”

The human man considered it for a long moment. The dwarf tapped their foot impatiently. Finally, he said, “You know, I’d really, really love to give this to you-”

“Which is why you’re gonna do it?” the half-orc asked.

“Well, no. This ad calls for a  _ trio  _ of adventurers, seeking the last job they’ll ever need to take,” he explained, gesturing over his shoulder to a pair sitting at a table: A gnomish woman and a scrawny human man. The pair stood up to join their friend as he spoke. “So unless there’s a third member of your coterie…”

The elf in the corner approached, then, pulling one arm around the dwarf and the half-orc. “What’s this about the last job I’ll ever need to take?”

“Oh, cool, good,” the human sighed. “Look: Here’s what we’ll do. It’s only fair that the best person for the job gets the job.”

“These two aren’t with me,” the dwarf said flatly.

“We absolutely are,” the elf corrected with a solemn nod and a sly grin over at the half-orc.

“Definitely, one hundred percent, we are,” the orcish woman agreed.

“I say,” the human man said loudly, getting the conversation back on topic, “That we compete for it.”

“No,” the dwarf said in the same instant that their two compatriots responded, “Yeah!”

“Then for my contest,” the human announced, “The first of three trials between my team and yours, we should do something befitting two paragons of pure strength. I am Romulus, what is your name, orc friend?”

“Uh, Julia,” responded the half-orc. “I’m not a fighter, I’m a rogue and a carpenter.”

“Julia, do you want this job? These are my conditions.”

“Alright, fuck it. We arm wrestle.” Julia sat down at the table that the two other members of Romulus’ party had just vacated. She rolled up her sleeves, and rested one arm on the table. The fighter flexed a little as he approached the table, at which Julia rolled her eyes. His palms were clammy.

She slammed his hand against the wood with little resistance. The elf cheered, a number of bracelets sliding down her wrists as she raised her hands in the air.

Romulus laughed nervously, “Uh, I didn’t count us off.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize she was arm-wrestling a baby man who wasn’t ready,” the elf snorted, “We didn’t realize this was a baby game for children.”

“No, it’s fine,” Julia reassured Romulus, “We can go again. I’ll even let you brace yourself against the table.”

Romulus made a face, but did not turn down the offered advantage. He braced one hand, palm flat, against the table. He carefully counted, “Three, two, one,” and made to wrench his arm down.

“Oh, we were going  _ on _ one? I thought we would go three-two-one- _ go _ , and then go on the ‘go’,” Julia spoke conversationally, her arm not at all budging despite the struggle that Romulus was putting up. She shrugged one shoulder and slammed his hand down, the table loudly creaking in protest. Romulus groaned against the table, watching with hollow eyes as the elf raised Julia’s hand into the air to show off her victory.

Behind them, someone cleared their throat. The gnome woman, with bright blonde hair and green eyes and big rosy cheeks, decked out in the fancy and formal vestments of the sun god, Lathander. In a gentle country drawl, she said, “I can go next, if you don’t mind?”

“Arm wrestling?” Julia asked, her voice pitching higher.

“Oh, god, no. You would destroy me. Uh, I’m Fran,” she introduced with a sweeping curtsy, “I am a cleric of the sun god, Lathander. Every party needs a healer, you know, and I’m assuming that the gentleman over there is yours?” 

Fran gestured to the dwarf, who grit their teeth. The dwarf harshly growled, “I’m a woman.”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“And I  _ am _ a healer,” she spat. She reached into a satchel at her hip, and pulled out a fan of peacock feathers, which she opened in a fluid movement. “Hekuba Roughridge, paladin of Hera. I’m gonna kick your ass.”

The elf grinned and looked between them, whispering once, “ _ God fight _ .”

“Orrrr,” Julia redirected helpfully, stepping between them, “No god fight? How about someone gets a papercut and we see who heals it better! Or you can work on Romulus’ shattered shoulder!”

Fran chuckled nervously, and grabbed the elf’s shot glass off of the bar. She set it on the table, and poured a little bit of water out from her canteen. The dwarf, Hekuba, watched this with disinterest.

“What’s this supposed to do?” she asked.

“Well, we are both, uh, women of the cloth. Why don’t we see who can get her god to interfere with the water first?” Fran suggested.

“What, like knock it over?” Julia asked.

“Turn it to wine?” asked the elf in the same breath.

“Sure, something like that!” Fran agreed, nodding emphatically. She looked again to Hekuba, smiling nervously. “What do you say?”

“Sure,” Hekuba agreed with a sigh, stretching her hands out in front of her.

Fran closed her eyes and softly spoke encouraging words to call upon her god. Hekuba did not hold quite so much patience. She looked up toward the ceiling, and said, “Can we get this over with?”

On the table, the water bubbled and boiled and turned black with pitch. It made this high-pitched screeching sound, and Julia ushered Romulus and the elf woman away from the table by the backs of their shirts. Hekuba, stone-cold, tipped the liquid sin up to her mouth and swallowed it without hesitation, wiped the remnants from her beard, and set the glass back down.

“Holy  _ shit _ ,” spoke Julia after several long seconds.

“So, like, we win, right?” asked the elf.

“Not so fast!” called the human wizard with a heavy buck-toothed lisp, pointing his finger up at the elf’s nose. “If you can beat me, then you win!”

The elf cracked her knuckles.

“Well, no,” Julia interrupted, pushing the elf’s hands down, “Listen, uh….”

“Lup,” the elf supplied helpfully. Then, her ears lowering, she added, “You know, from TV?”

“Oh!” Julia’s eyes widened and her mouth flew open. “ _ You’re-  _ I loved your show, we watched it all the time where we were from! I got  _ engaged  _ at your show at Raven’s Roost!”

“Oh yeah?” Lup asked, tapping her fingers up against her teeth. Her ears were so low that they touched her shoulders. “Huh, that’s- That’s great! I hope.”

“Oh, yeah, it was…. It was nice.” Julia tapped her thumb against the hit of her axe. “Uh, anyway. Wizard dude, what was your challenge?”

“ _ Hambone’s Riddle Hour _ ,” the wizard said, fanning his fingers out like a curtain. 

“You get  _ a _ riddle,” Hekuba ordered. 

“Do I get riddles?” asked Lup.

“No.”

Lup made a face, but sprawled herself out at the table, gesturing for this wizard, Hambone, to take the other seat. The human sat quietly for a several long seconds, his teammates watching him closely.

“Come on, Ham. You can do this,” Romulus encouraged. “Use one of your good ones.”

“Don’t listen to him, Ham, make it an easy one for me,” Lup countered. “Mama wants to  _ go. _ ”

“What has…..” Hambone started. Lup leaned forward, ears pricking forward as she listened. Julia held her breath. There was a long, heavy silence at the table until Hambone finished, “Four legs.”

Lup waited for the rest of the riddle, but nothing followed. 

“Ohhh, that’s a good one, Hambone,” Romulus whispered from behind his hand. Fran watched intently. Lup turned her head toward Julia and Hekuba, who shared an uneasy look.

“Uh…” She turned back toward Hambone, who was grinning.

“Did I stump you?”

Lup held her mouth closed for a little bit as she thought. Just a thing with four legs? Or did it have to be, like, an animal? A table? She was dabbling in the dark arts of riddlemancy, and she was face to face with a master. 

“What has four legs,” Lup repeated softly, holding her index finger between her teeth. “Just like... A thing with four legs?”

“Yeah,” Hambone agreed. “What has four legs?”

“Four legs,” Lup repeated. 

Julia groaned something into her fingers, which were covering her mouth. She leaned bodily against the table, her forehead pressing up against Lup’s shoulder. Hekuba stared at her expectantly, making a ‘ _ go on _ ’ gesture with her hands. Julia spoke something into her muffled hands again.

“Hey! No collaborating!” Romulus snapped.

“No, I don’t need help,” Lup corrected, “Ya girl’s got it.”

Hambone raised one scruffy eyebrow.

“It’s a horse,” answered Lup. 

Julia and Hekuba looked up at Hambone, who had gone deathly pale. He gestured Romulus and Fran over, and they whispered amongst themselves for a long while. Finally, the huddle broke and Hambone returned to his seat.

“My answer that I wanted was ‘ _ dog’ _ . The committee has ruled, um, that alternate answers are  _ not _ acceptable-”

Julia and Hekuba rounded on the human wizard, shouting incoherently at him. Fran and Romulus stepped in to defend their friend and then that caught the attention of the barkeep, who started to sprint toward them. Lup held up one hand, and silence fell over the group. 

“Hey, Ham? Got a riddle for ya.”

Hambone looked from her to his friends, slowly offering, “I mean, you lost, so-”

“What do you keep after you give it?” Lup asked, a smirk spreading across her face. Hambone chewed on his lip as he thought. 

“The flu?” Hambone answered. 

“Oh, Hambone. Oh, my sweet boy,” Lup taunted, clicking her tongue as she shook her head. “Alternate answers are  _ not  _ acceptable. You wanna know the real answer?”

“Yes, please.”

“The correct answer… Is ‘ _ your word’. _ ” Lup pointed toward Romulus and the advertisement. “Boo-yah. Prize, please.”

“Your captain said you didn’t get a riddle!” Hambone whined, “Fran, they’re changin’ rules!”

“ _ You’re _ changing rules! You gave me an alternate answer riddle and then said it was wrong!” Lup argued.

“I mean, come on, Lup,  _ I _ would have answered dog,” Julia interrupted.

“Well,  _ you _ weren’t the riddle girl-”

“No, but she was  _ definitely  _ cheating at arm wrestling,” Romulus interjected, “No one is that strong without magic, and I would know, Fran used Bull’s Strength on me-”

“Well, don’t think I didn’t notice that  _ your  _ paladin used thaumaturgy to change the water, either,” Fran defended when Julia turned on her.

“If the five of you don’t cut it out right now, I will turn this ship around!” Hekuba shouted over the growing mayhem. Instantly, Julia and Lup scrambled to a seat away from each other, folding their hands in their laps.

“Alright, everybody out!” the barkeep ordered. He was flushed, and he hunched over to catch his breath. “Please, just- Out. No more fires, no more breaking shit, no more arguing over who knows what-”

“A contest for a job,” Julia helpfully supplied.

“I don’t care! I don’t! Please, leave.”

Lup had the strangest feeling, as though this were not the first time in her life she had terrorized a barkeep in this way. Julia at least has the decency to look ashamed as she and the other two women were ushered out of the bar back into the chilly Neverwinter night. Romulus, Fran, and Hambone parted with rude sneers and blown raspberries and middle fingers, like classy people.

“Real nice,” sighed Hekuba. “You two screwed up my chances to hunt down my deadbeat husband. Hope you’re happy.”

“Uh, a hundo percent,” responded Lup. She reached her hand into one pocket of a worn reddish varsity jacket, about two sizes too small for her. She held out her hand. “Check it.”

Julia leaned in close as Lup opened her hand, revealing one crumpled letter, advertising ‘ _ the last job you’ll ever need to take’. _ Julia looked down at her, eyes wide and sparkling as she grinned with big, long tusks. 

“I’m supposed to be the rogue!” Julia laughed. Hekuba snatched the letter from Lup’s hands, looking it over with shock.

“How in the hell?” she asked.

“ _ Find Familiar _ , babes,” Lup answered, reaching into her other pocket to pull out a very fat black rat, who seemed pleased with himself and happy to be held. Lup gave the rat a little kiss on the head, “T-dog in the  _ house _ ! Shitty bar like that, he fits right in. He’s my son and he loves me.”

While Julia and Lup fawned over the rat, Hekuba attuned her tone of Farspeech to the frequency listed on the letter and didn’t hesitate to dial.

“Hello?” spoke a voice on the other end of the stone, low and gravelly.

“Gundren,” Hekuba returned, just as gruffly.

“Speaking.”

“Oh my God, this is conversation for dwarves,” Lup muttered to Julia, who snorted and shoved her at 12% strength. Lup rubbed her shoulder sorely.

“It’s Hekuba. Merle’s wife?”

“Right, the, uh- The pearl farmer. How’s that doing? Heard the tide came out.”

“I’m not calling to fiddly-fart around, Gundren,” Hekuba snapped, running a hand through her beard. “I’m calling for the job. Got a couple of folks who are interested.”

Gundren’s end was silent for a minute. Finally, he asked, “They any good?”

Hekuba looked at Lup and Julia warily. Julia grinned widely and gave two thumbs up, while Lup gave a thumbs-down and stuck her tongue out. She responded, “They'll get the job done. And I’m goin’ with ‘em. Are you in town? We can meet up.”

Gundren sighed, “Yeah. Come to the Donkey’s Spots, it’s-”

“Nearby, I know it. The owner is a total babe,” Lup interjected. “Pub crawl!”

“Pub crawl!” echoed Julia.

Hekuba grimaced,and said tersely, “We’ll be there.”

“Hek,” Gundren said before she hung up. 

“Go ahead.”

“Don’t fuck this up.”

Hekuba snorted. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”


	2. Fetch Quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia makes a friend. Hekuba is fucking tank. Lup helps, kind of.

The Donkey’s Spots was a charming place. That’s what Julia thought, anyway. Very rustic. Sure, there were parts of the floorboards that hadn’t been set down yet, and there was a patchwork quilt adorning the wall like a flag, but it was very homey! Lup shot off a wink at the barkeep, an orc woman who welcomed them with a sharp smile, while Hekuba immediately sought out a table by the hearth where another dwarf sat, looking over a sheet of parchment.

He acknowledged her with a raise of his mug and rolled his document into a container. He didn’t say a word as Hekuba pulled herself up into a barstool meant for much bigger folk. A barmaid, a round tiefling girl, took Julia’s order for a Fantasy Dr. Pepper, and quickly left them be. And no one at the table said a word as the dwarf finished his drink.

“So,” Lup finally broke the quiet. “You’re Gundam Rockseeker.”

Julia choked on her soda as the two dwarves groaned.

“ _Gundren,_ is my cousin,” Hekuba introduced with distaste. “Tell us about the job.”

“Nothing too complicated,” Gundren said. “Just a delivery job.”

“A fetch quest?” Lup groaned. 

“Gundren,” Hekuba growled, leaning forward in the stool. “Unless you came into big money in the last decade, I wanna know how you plan on making this the last job I’ll ever need to take.” 

“You might scare the rest of the Blue Lake District, but you don’t scare me, Hek,” Gundren waved her off. “You girls heard of Phandalin?”

“Is that an instrument?” Julia asked.

“No idea,” Hekuba sighed.

“The mining town,” Lup answered. When her compatriots eyed her, she continued, “It was big on like, magic rocks.”

“Ore,” Corrected a finely-dressed dark-skinned elvish man who joined the group at the table. 

“Or what,” Lup and Julia goofed in conjunction.

“No, I mean…” The man stopped mid-sentence, eyeing them over. He seemed way to fancy for this place: Gold jewelry adorning thick dreadlocks, top-tier eyeliner, and, holy shit, was that a fucking  _ bird on his shoulder. _

“Kravitz. Good of you to join us,” Gundren patted his broad palm against the elf’s shoulder. The elf flinched only a little.

“Is that a real bird?” Julia asked, reaching across the table. “Can I pet him?”

“She’s, uh, not great with strangers,” respond Kravitz, leaning as far back as possible. The bird, a massive black raven, croaked and tilted its head.

“Kravitz is my bodyguard,” Gundren introduced. “Kravitz, these three are runnin’ the Phandalin job.”

“We ain’t agreed to anything yet,” Hekuba reminded him. “So, Phandalin. What about it?”

“Your elf friend there was right. It was a mining town that dealt in magical ores and magical artifacts and items.The mines died out some fifty years ago. It was, uh…” Gundren chanced a look at the barkeep, and said in a low voice, “Destroyed by orcs. It’s a fraction of what it was then.”

Julia ran her tongue across the inside of her lip, along the sharp lines of her tusks. She kept her mouth shut.

Gundren sat back up, scratching at his reddish beard with short, blunt nails. “But that’s not important. What is important is this: I need a caravan delivered to a storefront there. I’ll even pre-pay you ten gold for the trouble. It’s a fraction compared to what you’re gonna earn.”

“You wanna let a girl in on what that means, Gundo?” asked Lup. 

“Consider Phandalin your audition,” Gundren offered. “You do good there, and I’ll let you participate in the next phase of the job.”

“That’s not a lot of information to go on,” said Julia. “I don’t know…”

“Alright,” sighed Gundren. “I’ll give you this, and that’s all: My brothers and I are real interested in developing Phandalin. We get this ball rolling, it’ll be a real pioneer town again. Say we find the lost mine… I’ll be willing to split that pretty penny.”

“Group huddle? Group huddle,” Julia called, pulling her massive body around Lup and Hekuba. “So it’s shady, right? He’s hiding something.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Hekuba agreed.

“I’m two feet away from you,” Gundren pointed out.

“You’re not in the group huddle, shut up!” Lup shouted. Pressing closer into the group, in a quieter voice, Lup continued, “Yeah, it’s like mad shady. But Mama needs cash,  _ sooooo _ …”

“ _ Soooo _ ,” echoed Julia, “Gotta get in on that. What are you doing the job for, Hekuba?”

“I need Gundren to owe me one.”

“Fair enough,” agreed Julia. She shifted back into her seat, crossed her hands politely in front of herself, and spoke, “Mr. Rockseeker, the party has elected to do the quest.”

 

* * *

 

Which is how the next afternoon, the trio found themselves about 40 miles out from Neverwinter, in a straw-bed conestoga wagon with two crotchety old oxen who were not at all happy about this arrangement. 

At the head of the wagon was Hekuba, clutching the reins with a righteous fury as she considered whether or not this job was worth it to her. Julia had her body draped over the back of the seat, map held in her hands, sometimes offering things for rounds of I Spy. Lup was in the back of the wagon, with her body curled into a tight squeeze between several crates and the side of the wooden bed. She’d been ‘napping’ for several hours to avoid navigator duty.

They’d pulled off of the Southbound Trade Road about two hours ago, and the exit toward Phandalin was a deadland. The roads were ill-maintained, and the oxen took to a slower pace as to not turn an ankle. 

“How much longer?” Hekuba asked.

“We passed the Fantasy McDonald’s like 30 minutes ago, so probably another three hours?”

“Still bullshit that you went through the drive through and got yourself a black coffee, bee-tee-dubs,” Lup called from the back.

“I’m tired, what do you want from me? Do you wanna try drivin’ this thing?” Hekuba snapped.

“Not really?” Lup answered, crawling over several crates and Gundren’s snippy dog to join her teammates near the front end. “I  _ hate  _ road trips. Riding in the wagons is better than walking next to them, but still, like, my ass? Hurts.”

Hekuba shot her a dirty look, rolling her eyes as she looked back at the road. She yanked hard on the reins, signaling the oxen to stop. Julia lurched forward, nearly tumbling over the edge of the wagon. Lup grunted as her stomach hit the wooden divider.

“Get out of the wagon,” Hekuba commanded in a low voice.

“Now, hold on. I don’t think a joke constitutes being abandoned,” Julia argued. Hekuba grabbed Julia’s chin and turned her face to look at the road ahead.

“Shit,” Lup breathed.

“What?” Julia squinted. “Those rocks?”

“You need glasses, girl, those are horses.” Hekuba loosed the tether from the side of the wagon, metal rods dropping down to ground the wagon. It wouldn’t hold the wagon in place if the oxen got spooked, but it would certainly slow them down.

An arrow sailed over Julia’s head, embedding itself in the canvas covering the wagon. 

“Shit!” Lup drew her parasol up to her chest as two bandits rushed forward from the cover they had found in the bushes by the road. “Gundren said this was a  _ fetch quest! _ ”

Julia reached into the back area, grabbing a bow and quiver as she vaulted herself out of the wagon. Hekuba raised her shield as she descended, running forward with her axe drawn.

“I have no long-range spells and 5 HP!” Lup yelled.

Julia’s first volley of arrows missed by a country mile, and she blinked a splatter of blood out of her eyes as Hekuba easily dispatched one of the bandits with a heft of a massive battle-axe. The other man grit his teeth and launched himself at Hekuba, grappling with her and shoving her to the ground. Julia didn’t hesitate to kick the creep as hard as she could, punting him like a football into the forest brush. 

A third, smaller man poked his head out from the underbrush, his expression as he took in the aftermath of this ill-fated encounter, and he yelped and made to retreat.

“Hey, after that fuck!” Lup yelled from the safety of the wagon.

“You’re a wizard, can’t you throw a fireball or something?” Julia shouted.

“There is so much wrong with what you just said, I don’t know where to start,” Lup responded. 

“Fuck’s sake,” Hekuba growled, tugging a javelin free of its holding place on her back. She took a few steadying steps back, then launched the spear into the shrubbery where the guy was last seen. Julia heard a very disturbing wet crunch, and then she didn’t hear anything else at all from that person, ever again.

“Dude,” Julia told the dwarf, “You are one _competent_ old woman.”

Hekuba sniffed derisively. “Can’t help but notice our wizard friend didn’t do shit.”

“Moral support, babes,” Lup grunted as she finally hopped out of the wagon. “I look choice in a cheerleader outfit. Let’s look at these big dead dogs. Gotta be somethin’ those vultures didn’t grab.”

“We can’t just steal from the dead,” Julia whined as Lup approached the horses and knelt down next to one of the bodies, opening a few of the saddlebags.

“Why not? They don’t need it anymore.” Lup shrugged, carelessly tossing a few containers aside when they came up empty. She raised a transparent tube up to her eye, frowned, and made to throw it when Hekuba snatched it out of her hands.

“This was Gundren’s,” Hekuba observed. 

“This one specific plastic tube?”

“He was lookin’ something over when we got there, he put it away in here when we found him” Hekuba sighed. “Of course Gundren’s problems are bigger than he let on. That rat bastard.”

“Uh, watch the fuckin’ rat language in front of my son,” Lup said, raising a hand to her chest in mock offense.The rat in question poked his sleepy head out of Lup’s shirt. “No, but seriously. If these are Gundro’s horses, where’s the man of the hour? And what kind of shitty bodyguard lets his boss get dwarfnapped by highwaymen?”

“Bandits are people too,” Julia advocated. “And to be fair, that Kravitz guy looked like he weighed as much as a loaf of bread.”

From a tree nearby, a bird croaked. Julia looked up, following the sound to a big raven with a huge fuck-off beak, chilling in the branches overlooking the scene.

“Creepy,” Lup said with a dramatic shiver.

“Here, baby!” called Julia, reaching out her hand. She made loud, kissy-noises. She grinned, positively delighted as the bird took flight and perched itself on her forearm.

“Come on, don’t humor it. It could  _ eat  _ our paladin.” Lup whined, not budging when Hekuba swatted at one of her thighs.

“She won’t! She’s a pretty baby,” Julie cooed, scratching the raven under its beak. “Who’s a sweet girl?”

The raven opened its beak, mimicking its master’s voice. “ _ Persephone. _ ” A whistle. “ _ Persephone _ .”

“Yes, you are!” Julia spoke. “Where’s your papa at, pretty girl?”

“The bird’s not going to-” Hekuba started, when the bird flew into a tree on the opposite side of the road and cawed at them. 

Julia started happily after it, watching as the bird flew to another tree, further down. The path led down an incline, the dirt of which was disturbed and slightly bloodied. 

“You know,” Lup said, “I think this is how demons get you.”

“Come on,” Hekuba urged her on. 

They followed the bird for a few minutes, deeper into the woods and along the path of a creek until they stood at the mouth of a cave. The bird perched again on Julia’s shoulder, her feathers ruffled to make herself look bigger.

“Uh, fuck that?” Lup turned to her teammates. “Yeah, Gundren and Kravitz are super dead.”

“He better not be. I’ll kill him if he’s dead.” Hekuba walked into the cave. Julia followed close behind, reaching a hand out to Lup, who hesitated at the mouth. The elf sighed, holding onto Julia’s wrist as they walked. They trudged through ankle-height water in the dark. It was a good thing that they had darkvision- Light would have easily given them away.

After some point, they came to an incline. Lup opened her mouth to gripe about her wet sneakers, but stopped when her vision returned to color with the presence of nearby light. The bridge was suspended between two tunnels in the cave, tethered to hooks in the cave ceiling. And on the bridge, with a torch in his hands, stood a large human man in a leather jacket. He shivered against the chill of the cave. He hadn’t seemed to have spotted them yet.

Hekuba looked to Julia, then gestured to the man. Julia nodded, and raised her bow. Took a breath in. Held it as she drew back. And let it escape through her lips in a curse as her arrow flew past the guy and glanced off the ceiling.

“Hey! Whoa, shit!” the man staggered as he startled.

“Everything alright in there, Barbara?” called a voice from one of the tunnels deeper in.

Julia improvised. “That was a warning shot, Barb,” she threatened lowly to the man. “Say everything is okay, or the next one goes right through your throat.”

Barbara swallowed, darting his eyes between the darkness where the trio of ladies were shrouded, and the tunnel where his friends waited.

“Yeah, we’re good, Jerry,” Barbara called. “Saw a spider.”

“Oh, I hate those things! Okay, well, call us if anythin’ comes up!” called the voice from the tunnel.

“Good man, Barbara,” Julia praised. “Don’t move. Our wizard will blast you to kingdom come and bring this cave down on you.”

Hekuba’s eyebrows were at her hairline as Julia threatened this guy. She wouldn’t admit it, but she was impressed. She was less impressed when Julia grabbed the grooves in the cave wall to climb up onto the bridge, willingly putting herself into the enemy’s space. Barbara watched her warily, motionless as she helped Lup and Hekuba up. 

From here, they could hear the sound of rushing water from further down the right tunnel. To the left, there were low voices and laughing and the smell of something cooking.

“Barbara, right?” Lup asked the guy. She offered her hand daintily, like a royal’s hand that deserved a kiss on the knuckle. “Lup. Put ‘er there, champ.”

Barbara, still intimidated by being so close to Julia, reached out and took Lup’s hand. His eyes clouded over, then glimmered a magical violet for just a moment as Lup planted a charm on him.

“Lup, right. Of course I know you!” Barbara nodded his head, “Feel like I haven’t seen you in ever!”

“Don’t dwell on it, bud.” Lup pried her hand free, then tapped Barbara’s shoulder fondly. “But hey, nice digs! Tell me about the place!”

“This is just the, uh, the old base. Not much southbound traffic out of Neverwinter, but, uh, one day we can afford to style this place into an office. Right now we just got the, uh, the break room over there-” He pointed to the room on the left- “And the security system and Maarvey’s office on the right. And the dog room down the hall there.”

“Dog room?” asked Julia.

“No, you  _ have  _ a pet, and it’s that weird bird you repossessed,” Lup said. “Tell me about Maarvey, Barb, what’s he like? He the boss?”

Barbara snorted. “He thinks. I mean, he runs the place, but guy’s a dick. We Hammerhead boys need positive reassurance, we’re delicate.”

“Oh, I know,” Lup nodded knowingly, “Hey, Barb? Your best bud Lup’s got a pretty burning question for ya.”

“Anything,” Barbara answered eagerly.

“You see a dwarf and a prettyboy elf come through here? We saw their horses were, uh, kaputski, and... We’re looking for them, is the thing, Barb.” 

Barbara hissed through his teeth. “Oh,  _ we  _ did that, yeah.”

“Are they dead?” Julia asked.

“No! Well… No,” Barbara said. “The Jerries have the elf in the breakroom there, roughing him up. I think they’re gonna ransom him off- He is  _ very _ fancy, but I don’t know anything about the dwarf. Maarvey had him last.”

“Son of a bitch,” sighed Hekuba. “Alright, kid. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Go get the elf for us, and then we’re gonna have a talk with Martin.”

“Maarvey,” the other two corrected.

“I’d really love to do that, ma’am,” Barbara admitted, “But those guys, they’ll chew me up if I go in there on my own. The Jerries, they’re pack hunters.”

“We can go in there with you,” Julia suggested.

“ _Nooo_ ,” Lup whined. “I have 5 HP. Five of them.”

“We just pretend that we’re supposed to be here!” Julia insisted. Eyeing Barbara, she said, “Uhh, we totally are supposed to be here.”

“I know this, and I love you all so much.”

“Rad,” sighed Lup. She shrugged, shaking her head. “Okay. If I die, I’m haunting your asses. Not you, Barbara, you’re perfect and doing your best.”

“Let’s go get Kravitz,” Julia told the bird.

“ _ Krav _ ,” the bird mimicked fondly, in a voice that was heart-achingly familiar. None of them could place it, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important rolls: gundren rolled a nat 20 against hekuba's intimidate. julia failed every bow attack roll with a 2 or a 3. whoops! hekuba nat 20'd the javelin attack on the hiding hammerhead. barbara just barely failed his will save against charm person with an 11 (lup's DC is 12). he also just barely failed julia's intimidate of 5 (woof!) with a 2.
> 
> i use 4 different dice sets while writing: a red one for lup, a blue one for hekuba, a purple one for julia, and a pink one for NPCs.
> 
> the barkeep in the beginning is terris strongjaw, one of my NPCs from my forgotten realms campaign! she is beloved by my players and i include her/her bar in every faerun setting i write.
> 
> also?? persephone is a very good and smart bird.


	3. The Gang Goes Straight Chaotic Spectrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia talks carpentry. Lup almost dies. Hekuba goes full Batman.

Lup was many things: a drop-dead gorgeous turn-of-her-century high elf, an underdog, a wizard and an alchemist. But confident in this plan? That, Lup was not. She had about as much faith in this plan as she had faith that good things happened for no reason. So she shoved her hands in her jacket pockets and walked smoothly alongside the bandit, Barbara, as he led their group deeper into the bandit stronghold.

Though, stronghold may have been a bit much of a term. The room before them was wide and tall: a naturally carved alcove that resembled an ampitheater. The lower level had a sitting area, where one human was sat at a table enjoying re-heated lunch on his break. The upper level, just up a ramp to their left, resembled a stage with a podium settled near the edge. Lup couldn’t see anything from this angle.

“Alright, Babs,” Julia told Barbara, holding his shoulders. “We’re just here to get Kravitz, and then we can leave.”

“And I come with you,” Barbara continued.

“No,” Lup sighed wistfully, “Nah, bud, you stay here.”

“Lup, they’ll kill him,” Julia pointed out.

“Look, you can keep the bird or you can keep Barb. Charm Person only lasts for an hour, and he can probably punch me hard enough to kill me instantly,” Lup argued. “Not that you’d punch me, Barbara, my dear best friend.”

“We’re wastin’ time,” Hekuba snapped. “Let’s get fancy-pants and haul ass. Quietly. Which way?”

Barbara gestured up the ramp. It wasn’t that far of a movement, but they’d be in plain sight for at least ten seconds while they made their way up.

Stealth, as it turned out, was not their strong suit. Hekuba’s armor clanked as she crept close to the wall, Lup’s wet sneakers gave her away, and Julia- Well, Julia was having a bad rogue day. When the bandit in the sitting area turned his head, Julia didn’t even have it in her to feign surprise.

“Ah, shit,” she swore against her breath.

“Barbara, what the hell are ya doin’? Who are these ladies?” asked a skinny man with slicked back hair.

“Li’l Jerry!” Barbara called back. “This is, uh, my best friend Lup, and her two friends whose… Names I was not told.”

“A pleasure, babe,” Lup bowed with a wink. “Don’t mind us, Barb here is giving us the tour.”

“The tour?” echoed the little man.

“You know, for our orientation? We’re bandits,” Lup lied.

“Yeah, I…I guess I see it. You look dangerous. Real punk-like,” Li'l Jerry said, nodding a little. Lup winked and made the shape of finger guns at him, which begs the question, what are finger guns in a world where Gun does not exist. “Maarvey didn’t say nothin’ about new Hammerheads, but Barbara wouldn’t lie to us.”

Barbara, who was lying to them, looked at the ground.

“He also told us about some rich kid up for ransom?” Lup prodded. “I wanted to check it out. See if there’s any good jewelry left.”

“Over this way,” called a voice up the incline. Another human man put himself into view- Taller, also with slicked back hair, but with a nasty scar from his lip to his chin. His jacket had more patches than Li’l Jerry’s did. He waved the group over, and there they saw Kravitz.

He had his back up against the cave wall, his arms chained above his head. His hair fell loose around his face, having been picked clean of cuffs and accessories. His clothes were torn and scavenged, and he looked like he’d been beat within an inch of his life. Julia could hear the wheeze in his lungs as he breathed.

“What happened to him?” she asked flatly. On her shoulder, the raven croaked and clicked her beak. Lup couldn’t keep looking at him. It sucked to see people beat up that way, and it made her feel...Something. Nauseous, mostly. She looked away.

The other human, who slipped a golden ring over his thumb and hadn’t seemed to grasp that the hardness in Julia’s voice was anger, shrugged one shoulder.

He said, “Gave us a real fight, that one. He’s lucky we didn’t knock his teeth out after the stunt he pulled.”

“Tore the boss’ finger off!” Li’l Jerry added, laughing. He joined the group, standing right against Lup’s back. “I knew elves had sharp teeth, but Jesus! Shame the guy that took the other one didn’t want him. Me ‘n Jerreeeeee are wonderin’ if we shouldn’t just off ‘im.”

“Other one?” Hekuba asked. “Someone took the other one, and didn’t want the rich kid. Don’t that seem funny to you?”

Li’l Jerry paled. “Uh- I mean, I guess so, ma’am. The other guy was just a regular dwarf guy, so I don’t know why he was so special. What, you think no one’s gonna claim him?”

Hekuba shrugged. “Honestly? No. But we need him alive.” She gave a look to Julia, who didn’t hesitate.

Julia grabbed the taller guy, Jerreeeeee, and buried a dagger deep between his ribs. She felt him let out his last breath against her shoulder, and she pulled away, letting his body fall flat and roll down the ramp. Li’l Jerry yelped and reached for a weapon at his side, drawing his own dagger.

“Where’d your boss take Gundren, Jerry?” asked Hekuba. Though she was much smaller than him, he took a step back regardless. “We’re only gonna ask you the once.”

“I- I- I don’t know! Honest! I’m just the new hire, nobody tells me anythin’! You wanna talk to the boss for that. I swear I don’t know nothin’, I’m a good boy!” insisted Li’l Jerry.

“Good boys don’t join bandit gangs. Leave now and go home, and we won’t hurt you,” Julia ordered. Li’l Jerry looked between the three of them, but his will was stronger than that of cowardly Barbara. 

“To hell with it!” Li’l Jerry rushed at Lup, tackling her to the ground. And while Lup was tall and heavyset, the shock of being unsuspectingly charged by a much smaller person left her little room to fight back. The knife was in her (in hindsight, glaringly exposed) stomach before anyone could act.

Julia yanked Li’l Jerry up by the back of his jacket, tossing him off the edge of the ramp and down, twenty feet to the lower levels. She didn’t turn back to see if he was hurt. Instead, she knelt down by Lup and asked, “Is it bad?”

Lup, who could not answer because she was at -2, laid there in shock.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fuckin’ bad. Another point of damage and she’d be a goner,” Hekuba sighed, rolling up her sleeves as she channeled her goddess’ magic. 

_Lay on Hands_ was a kind of contract between a paladin and their deity. If their bond was particularly close, the paladin could mend the damage at no cost to themself. But Hera was at times fickle, and Hekuba knew that this contract could easily backfire. She needed this damn job, and she needed both Lup and Kravitz to do it. 

A slow breath left Hekuba’s mouth as she took on Lup’s damage herself. That was fine- That would have happened on the best of days anyway. She was stronger than Lup, and it wouldn’t kill her. She watched the deep gash on Lup’s stomach with cautious eyes and finally let herself offer a thankful prayer to Hera as the wound stitched itself shut. It wasn’t fully healed, but Lup would live another day. Maybe not, at the rate today had been going.

She channeled the last of her energy toward Kravitz, giving him just enough to stabilize him. The hitch in his breath disappeared, but he did cough deeply and groan at the feeling of it against his bruised ribs.

“That sucked,” Lup wheezed as she pushed herself to sit up. “Ah, shit.”

“What?” Julia asked. She turned her head, finding Barbara watching them with a horrified expression. When Lup took the big hit, however briefly it knocked her out of commission, the spell’s hold broke. 

“Look, man,” Lup started, lackluster, “I really don’t have another 5 HP to lose like that.”   


“Barbara,” Julia started carefully, palms facing him as she stepped between him and the group. “You don’t wanna get into trouble like this. Take the bargain and get out now.”

Julia barely got through the sentence before Barbara turned tail and ran. 

A few feet away, Kravitz regained consciousness. He stared at the three of them for a long moment before he closed his eyes and laughed weakly. “I missed the fun part?”

“Don’t know if I’d call our wizard almost dying ‘the fun part’,” Hekuba responded.

Julia approached him, taking a look at the cuffs around Kravitz’ wrists. 

“Think you can do it right, or you want 'cha girl to give it a try?” Lup asked, peering over Julia’s shoulder.

“No, I can do it,” Julia insisted.  _ Click. _ “See? Do you even know how to pick locks, Lup?”

“I know how to do lots of things,” Lup shrugged one shoulder. She winced, holding her hand over her stomach. “How you doin’, old lady? Don’t think I don’t know how paladins work.”

“I am infinite times stronger than you are,” Hekuba responded. 

“Infinity times zero is still a zero, babe.”

“You’re hurt?” Kravitz asked as Julia pulled him up by his thin, bony wrist. “Let me help you.”

He whistled a short melody, which the bird on Julia’s shoulder immediately echoed. Lup and Hekuba sighed as a white wave of energy swept over them and closed their wounds. Julia, who was not injured, just thought it was pretty. When the light dimmed and faded, Kravitz stood before them looking as healthy as ever.

“You’re a bard?” Hekuba asked, unimpressed.

“Guess that explains the fancyboy aesthetic,” chimed in Lup.

“So, wait, why the bird?” Julia asked. Kravitz reached out his hand, which the raven freely hopped onto. It squawked at him, angrily, feathers ruffling.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Kravitz told the bird, petting under her chin. 

The birb opened its beak and mimicked a voice, “ _ Can you stop fuckin’ getting yourself in trouble for one minute?” _

“Okay! I know, I’m sorry,” Kravitz apologized.

“And can it talk on its own, or is it just crazy smart?” Julia asked.

“She’s a regular bird,” Kravitz explained, petting the raven’s ruffled feathers, “But she’s… Kind of trained to do that.”

“Yell at you?” Lup asked.

“Yes. She tells me things that people have told me, when I need to hear them.” Kravitz paused. “She was an anniversary present.”

“Not that this isn’t like, super gooey and great character development, but like… Where’s Gundo?” Lup interrupted.

Kravitz looked surprised. “What do you mean? He should be here. When the bandits attacked us, they took him first.”

“Do you know why?” Julia asked.

“No,” Kravitz said. 

“Horseshit,” Lup accused. “These two might not know fuck all about elves, but don’t think I didn’t see those ears twitch, bub.”

“Kravitz!” Julia gasped, offended.

“You don’t need to get involved in this,” Kravitz insisted. “Please, this is more dangerous than you know.”

“He’s my cousin, and I need him,” Hekuba stated firmly. “Spill it, bard.”

“I don’t know everything,” Kravitz sighed. “But I know that Gundren and his brothers are looking for the lost mine. There’s… A vault, in that mine. He wants whatever is inside, and I’m hoping I’m wrong, but if what I think is in there is actually  _ in _ there… You don’t want anything to do with it.”

“What’s in there?” Julia asked.

“Something really bad! I c- I don’t know how else to tell you!”

Julia looked to Lup.

“Yeah, he’s tellin’ the truth, y’all,” Lup clarified. “So there’s something scary bad in there that you can’t tell us about, that Gundren wanted. Someone else obviously knew about this thing, and Maarvey ransomed him off to them. Is there anyone else that’d know about this scary thing, Krav?”

Kravitz sighed, long and slow. “No. I don’t know. Is there any way I can talk you all out of figuring this out?”

“Nope!” Julia said brightly. “I love mysteries, are you kidding?”

“We gotta go to Maarvey,” Hekuba decided. “We find out who took Gundren, I beat him within an inch of his life for lyin’ to me, and the four of us split ways forever.”

“I can’t write postcards?” Julia asked.

“I don’t have a mailing address, so, uh, that’s a big No on the Lup front,” answered Lup as she pulled her jacket tighter around herself. This whole sitch was giving her the creeps like crazy. Something wasn’t adding up, but she just couldn’t figure out what it was. And to top it all off, that Kravitz guy kept staring at her. Sure, he was pretty, but it wasn’t even a capital L Look. It was just creepy.

She thought about it all as the group walked down the ramp to the main level. Li’l Jerry was still alive on the lower levels, but he’d broken his leg in the fall. If Julia wasn’t gonna help him, then Lup didn’t see the point in it, either. Fuck that guy.

As they crossed over the bridge and passed into the other tunnel, the sound of rushing water grew deafening. Julia held her hands over her ears as they walked, nose scrunching up. The tunnel opened up on another overpass, revealing two wooden dams built about fifteen feet down. Julia assumed that it was their security system, judging by the heavy weighted gates and the two bandits who stood watch there. The running water was too loud and they were too high up, though, so they passed unspotted.

Finally, they came across a doorway. An actual door, with weak looking hinges barely bolted into the stone. 

“Plan of action?” Julia asked.

“We break it down,” Hekuba said.

“We knock? We’re not animals. A little _‘knock-knock, fuck you’_ can go a long way,” Lup suggested.

“This door sucks, and as a craftsman, I hate looking at it,” Julia decided, bracing her leg against the door. “Maybe next time he’ll lease a better contractor.

The first kick didn’t break the door.

“Guess it’s not that shitty of a door, huh?” Lup teased, grinning. “Why don’t you woodwork on it and make it impenetrable, he’ll starve to death in there.”

“This makes no sense,” Julia insists. “This door sucks. Look, do you see the thinness of the wood? This wouldn’t withstand a heavy wind, let alone my amazing legs.”

“Let me see that,” Hekuba pushed Julia’s leg to inspect the door. “This is silverwood.”

“It’s what?” Julia asked.

“How do  _ you _ know what the carpenter doesn’t know about wood?” Lup asked, incredulous.

“My husband is a Panite,” Hekuba hesitantly explained. “I know wood.”

“Aren’t Panites… The ones that like…” Lup made a gesture with her hands. “You know…?”

“Like I said. I  _ know  _ wood.”

Julia made a face and shivered. “ _Gross!_ I don’t need to know this, you’re like, old!”

“What the fuck,” Kravitz deadpanned. 

The door cracked open, having been forgotten in the presence of conversation. On the other side stood a human man. He was easily Lup’s size, but made up of muscle rather than soft fat. The patches and pins on his leather jacket, and the name tag that read ‘Maarvey’ identified him as the leader of this gang. 

“Kind of a bad place to try and sell Girl Scout Cookies,” Maarvey said.

Julia, whose leg was still poised for another powerful kick, Did That. Maarvey stumbled back under the attack and fell flat on his ass. Lup pointed her umbrella at his throat, pressing a button on the handle to loose a bayonet at the tip.

“How’s that for a Do-si-do?” Lup cackled.

Across the room, a woman gasped, “Maarvin!”

Lup looked up. There, at a dining table, was a finely dressed human woman and two human children. They all looked pretentious to shit. She sighed, “Well, this blows.”

“Whoops-a-doopsa,” Julia laughed nervously, “He has a family.”

“ _ I _ have a family,” Hekuba pointed out, standing over Maarvey. “Where’s my damn cousin?  _ Gundren Rockseeker _ . I know you had him.”

“Listen, lady, can we not do this in front of my kids?” asked Maarvey.

“They live in a bandit’s nest in a cave, I really doubt this’ll make them any worse for the wear. I’m not gonna ask twice, Maarvey,” Hekuba growled. She channeled Hera’s magic around her, her hair standing on end.

“Holy  _ shit _ ,” Kravitz whispered.

“I don’t,” Maarvey swallowed against the blade of Lup’s umbrella. “I don’t have him.”

“Think I don’t know that? Who’d you sell him to?”

“I don’t know,” Maarvey admitted. Lup shrugged and moved the blade in closer. Maarvey balked. “I really don’t! We had a code name for him!”

Hekuba motioned for Lup to ease off. “Tell me everything you know, and don’t you lie to me, boy.”

Maarvey swallowed. “He got a hold of us last night. We got the contract over Stone of Far Speech. He said he overheard a dwarf and an elf talking in a bar about some secret vault full of treasure, and he saw our ad in Fantasy Yellowpages: Hammerheads’ Highwaymen!”

“Oh, with the radio jingle,” Julia said. 

“Who did you hire to write it? Because I think I need to have a talk with them about what notes are, and how to use them,” Kravitz added.

Hekuba cleared her throat.

“Uh- He knew we were near the South Trade road, and so we agreed to ambush Rockseeker for him. He sent an envoy to pick up a few hours ago, I never saw him, I don’t know where he is now.”

“Real helpful. Is there anything else you can think of that might save your life, Martin?”

“My name is-” Maarvey started to correct, but paused when Lup waved her umbrella at him. “Ahem. One last thing, ma’am. Our contact called himself ‘The Motivator.”

Hekuba looked at him. Lup cackled loudly and wiped a tear from her eye. “What the shit kind of supervillain name is that?”

“It’s the truth! Everything I’ve said, I’ve been honest with you!” Maarvey insisted. Hekuba sighed, looking to Julia.

“Hey, just ‘cause I’m half human doesn’t mean I know when they’re lying. I don't know. I believe him.”

“Fair enough,” Hekuba decided. “Alright. We’ll skedaddle, but you get your kids somewhere better than this cave. They’re gonna get sick like this.”

Julia kept eyes on Maarvey until Lup and Hekuba were away from him, gave him a firm look as the party left the room, and slammed the door behind them. As the team stood gathered around the closed door, Julia finally said, “That could have gone better.”

“I coulda gone a hell of a lot worse,” Hekuba pointed out. “Now we have no leads, no Gundren, and we have an extra mouth to feed.”

“I might have an idea of where this guy would take Gundren,” Kravitz admitted. 

“Awful suspicious, keeping quiet like that,” Lup observed.

“Because I really don’t want you to go there!” Kravitz answered, ears flicking up. He sighed and rubbed his face. “I know where the vault is. Can we get back to the wagon? I’d rather talk about it there.”

“Sure, buddy!” Julia agreed, turning to head back down the corridor. “Uh, we remembered to take the wagon off the road, right?”

“.....Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a lot of legwork and little technical stuff, so it was kind of tough to get through, but i finally got it how i wanted it! we're getting to the good stuff now!
> 
> important rolls: li'l jerry rolled a nat 20 on his attack on lup. i put my hands over my mouth and put my head on my desk. everyone rolled a 9 on the stealth check to sneak up to kravitz, which was. wow? and the paladin's 'lay on hands' move here is actually the system adopted from dungeon world. 9 or below, the paladin takes on the other person's damage and fails to heal them. 10-15, the paladin takes the other person's damage and heals them for whatever their pool allows. 16+, the paladin takes no damage and heals the other person for whatever their pool allows.
> 
> also, i went ahead and drew julia as i use her in this story! check it out at this link here, because i don't know how to link things in this format! hopefully it works!  
> https://78.media.tumblr.com/7c9d927c04076538760b171bdcea7d2d/tumblr_p12repTApu1r2vneyo1_540.png


	4. Four Disaster People Try to Get Through a Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia is a carpenter. Hekuba chokes. Lup gets new shoes.

The wagon had, of course, been ransacked. The road to Phandalin hadn’t been particularly busy, but the group had seen a few other wagons during their travel. Most of Gundren’s stock had been cleared out, which really put a damper on their chances of being paid when the job was over. It wasn’t like they had time to really dwell on it, since Kravitz got into the drivers’ seat and pulled the tether back up as soon as he realized Gundren’s map was missing.

If Lup thought Hekuba was a hardass? Kravitz in a hurry was even  _ worse _ . He explained the situation as he sped back onto the highway: The vault was in a cave in the Sword Mountains, maybe an hour southeast of here. If they hurried, they might be able to catch Gundren’s kidnapper and prevent, quote, “total disaster”.

They made it to the Sword Mountains slightly behind schedule, because one of the oxen decided, ' _Uh, f_ _ uck Kravitz' _ , and refused to walk until it was bribed with some of the food from their packs.

“This doesn’t look like a cave,” Lup observed as they parked their wagon in a clearing off the road. 

“The cave’s not on the side of the road,” Kravitz informed her, already tying his hair back up with a strip of fabric he tore away from his sleeve. He looked more ‘bedraggled survivalist’ than ‘fancy bard’ now. “We have to hike to it.”

Lup groaned loudly. “No!”

“If we’re hiking, you best expect breaks,” said Hekuba. “Dwarf legs ain’t the best at hiking.”

“Aren’t dwarve outdoorsy types?”

Hekuba fixed Julia with a look. She flushed and muttered, “Sorry.”

“Julia, carry me,” Lup demanded, holding her arms out.

“No, we’re not-” Kravitz started to argue, but Julia already had an arm hefted around Lup’s middle. He didn’t even blink when Julia went to throw Lup over her shoulder and unexpectedly toppled over, sending both her and Lup into the dirt.

“I am so sorry!”

Lup spat sand out of her mouth and shook her hair out. “I take it back. Walking is fine. See if I trust you to lift me again.”

“If we’re all done goofing around, please,” Kravitz insisted. “Can we please go and not complain about it?”

“Fine,” groaned Lup. She and the other two started to take the path up the mountain. 

Kravitz stayed at the base of the mountain for a moment longer, sighing deeply. “Lady, I sound like the Captain.”

It was a short hike- Maybe ten, fifteen minutes, but it was enough to make everyone miserable. The weather was nice, but Hekuba’s plate armor was not meant for long hikes, Julia complained of chub rub, and Lup claimed to have terrible allergies. They found the cave on accident, when the elves got irritable over some crashing sound that the other two members of their party could not hear.

Wave Echo Cave, as it turned out, was aptly named. The cave had a small, narrow entrance that Julia had to really pray to squeeze into. The flooring was sand and silt, and there was the sound of crashing water from deeper within the cave. The walls were luminescent, giving the entire room a faint greenish glow. Various pieces of mining equipment, abandoned fifty years prior, still lay scattered on the floor.

“It’s cold in here, isn’t it?” Lup said through clicking teeth. 

“I think I can see why,” Julia said, crossing the room. “Looks like this is the entrance to the mine.”

She stood over a pit in the back of the room, which dropped down for about twenty feet. She could see the mouth of a tunnel down below.

“Looks like we weren’t the only ones to come here recently, either,” Hekuba called. When Julia turned to look, she found Hekuba stood over the body of a dwarf.

“Oh, shit,” she hissed through her teeth, “That’s not-?”

“Not Gundren, no. This is his brother, Tharden,” Hekuba observed. “He has those shitty shoes Merle got him for Candlenights.”

“Uh, you mean those  _ sick  _ Jordans?” Lup corrected.

“I am two hundred years old, I don’t know what that is,” Hekuba dismissed with a wave of her hand.

“But you know that scroll _Space Ja’am_ , about the alien dogs playing basketball against professionals? Like, you  _ know _ that, right?” Lup asked. Hekuba walked away to join Julia and Kravitz at the pit, and Lup called, “Right?”

“What are you doing?” Kravitz asked Julia, who was laying down by the edge of the pit. She was curled halfway over the edge, hammering a piton into the firmer stone a few feet down the wall. 

“We gotta get down there, and I have some rope in my bag we can use.”

“That’s… A very good idea,” Kravitz seemed surprised. 

Julia looped the rope around the piton and gave it a firm tug. Pleased with her handiwork, she called, “Who wants first dibs?”

“I want the builder’s guarantee that thing works,” Hekuba said flatly. Julia shrugged, grabbing the rope. As soon as she had her weight on it, however, the rope shifted around the piton and sent her falling at full, uncontrolled speed to the bottom. She groaned as she landed flat on her back, and hit her head on the stone below.

“Holy shit! Are you okay?” Kravitz shouted down the pit. 

“In hindsight? I’m a carpenter, not an engineer,” Julia responded weakly.

“Yeah, I figured that’d happen,” Hekuba shook her head. She untangled the rope form the piton, and handed one end to Lup. “Drop me, and I’ll kick your ass.”

“If there’s anything we’ve established, it’s that none of us can pull another person’s weight,” Lup pointed out. Hekuba secured the rope around her waist, and slowly eased herself over the edge of the cliff.

Almost instantly, the rope slipped out of Lup’s fingers. Lup heard the crash and winced, covering her face in her hands. “Oh, my God, I just dropped our paladin like a hundred dwarf feet.”

“Lup!” Hekuba shouted up the pit. Lup had never gotten the full name treatment from a parent, but she got the feeling that it was something like this. 

“You don’t have any ideas about how to get down there, do you?” Lup asked Kravitz.

He hesitated, before admitting, “I know  _ feather fall _ .”

Lup raised her eyebrows to her hairline, giving Kravitz an incredulous wide-eyed stare. “And you let them do that?”

“To be fair, they didn’t give me time to bring it up, and I really thought Julia’s plan was going to work.”

“Alright,  _ feather fall _ me.”

Kravitz whistled a short bar, enchanting the both of them. While Lup cannonballed directly into the pit, Kravitz at least tried to look like he’d climbed down on his own. Hekuba greeted them both with a very angry Look.

“Jackass,” Hekuba huffed at them. To Julia, she asked, “How you holdin’ up, kid?”

“Head hurts and I can smell color,” answered Julia, “But I’ll live. Hopefully!”

“Good to hear. Let’s haul out,” Hekuba ordered. She led them down the tunnel, her palm resting on her axe. This place was labyrinthine, with dead ends leading to hollowed out veins of ore mines. After the first dead end, Hekuba took to dragging her axe in the sand to chart the paths they had already been down.

And after about five minutes, the sound of wet sneakers on sand had gotten on her nerves.

“Are your shoes _still_ wet?” she asked, turning around to face the elf.

“Uh, no? I got rid of those,” Lup responded.

“Got rid-?” Hekuba looked to Lup’s feet, which were now comfortably inside of Tharden’s Candlenights Shoes.

“To be fair,” Lup started when Julia gave her a very disappointed stare, “Hekuba and I both agreed that people don’t need things after they’re dead.”

“I couldn’t give less of a shit about your ugly shoes,” Hekuba dismissed. Lup squawked incredulously. “If that’s not one of you, then what’s that sound?”

There was quiet for a moment as everyone listened carefully. In the distance, there was a strange sound- Like a suction cup, but wetter? Julia covered her ears, making a face as she said, “I hate it.”

“Yeah, let’s, uh, get a move on,” Lup agreed.

Julia’s auditory discomfort didn’t get any better as they finally found a tunnel that led somewhere: A cliff overlooking a massive pool of water, which rippled and splashed as giant drops of water dripped from stalactites overhead. Too loud. The ground here was different, in that it was hard stone coated in a layer of moss and fungi. Pretty as it was, though, this still didn’t seem like a vault with a secret magic item.

“Elevator over there,” Kravitz pointed out. Upon closer inspection, though, there was a starter box that appeared to need a key.

“Can I… Hack it?” asked Julia.

“Julia,” Lup sighed. “You’re a good person, and you’re proving increasingly competent, but I would rather willingly jump off this cliff before I would let you tinker with a metal box that I am trusting to take me to the ground.”

“That’s fair,” Julia shrugged. “Then we just need the key. Any ideas?”

“Tharden didn’t have it on him,” Lup said. “Uh, I may have also checked his pockets. By the way, I found some gold, dinner's on me tonight.”

In the middle of the clearing, Hekuba growled and drew her axe as that noise from the corridor followed them. It was quieter here, under the noise of the water, but it was consistent- Something was alive down here, and it was hunting them.

Hekuba didn’t have time to dwell on that thought before something massive and heavy crushed her under its weight. 

Someone called her name, but the sound was distorted. As though she were underwater. And in fact, as she struggled to regain her breath after the attack, Hekuba found herself unable to breathe. She moved, but the motion was sluggish as the creature holding her- An ochre jelly- surrounded her entire body, drawing her closer to its core.

Lup, Julia, and Kravitz watched the ten-foot tall creature rise up to its full height. For some deep, primal reason that neither Lup nor Julia could understand, the sight of their companion being swallowed up by a black mass created a fear deep within them. Lup reached out to her side, her fingers closing around someone’s wrist- It didn’t matter who.

The arm in her grasp was pulled away as Kravitz raced across the cliff, reaching his arm out. There was a flash of light, and then there was a scythe- Like, a big, fuck-you scythe with grips and balances- in his hands. He sliced at the jelly once, cleaving clean through its body. 

It splattered loudly against the ground, clouds of spores rising up from the mushrooms below as it landed. Hekuba, having clawed herself to the surface of the jelly’s body, choked for breath and was met with the cloud of poison. She forced herself to hold her breath, despite the burning of her lungs. The ochre jelly, not yet defeated, closed itself around the dwarf again.

And not only that: Now there were two of them. Much smaller than the original, certainly, but each was still four or five feet high, and had a dark mass floating within them. One of them, which struggled wildly to break the surface again, was Hekuba.

With the last of her breath running out, Hekuba closed her eyes and channeled the power of her goddess in a divine smite. 

From the outside, Lup and Julia saw a light shine from within the jelly. It held there a moment, before the creature’s form began to shake. It exploded form within, and there stood Hekuba- Or rather, there she lay. She coughed against the ground, taking deep breaths that mingled with the spores from the mushrooms. She was lucky that dwarves had a natural resistance to poison.

There was a small jelly left next to Hekuba’s form, detached from her- It was maybe the size of a the dwarf herself. Julia did what Julia knew best: Reeled back her leg, and straight footballed that bad boy off the cliff. It flew clear across the open air and met its unfortunate end against the wall of the cave.

There was still another half of the jelly, though. And while Lup had a reputation to uphold as the Chillest Member of the Party, she also super hated this thing. She raised her umbrella, levelling the tip at the creature, and whispered the incantation for  _ magic missile. _ Three orbs of flickering fire appeared at the tip of the umbrella, orbiting it as the spell charged. Lup pressed the button to open the umbrella, and the three orbs volleyed across the divide, crashing into the jelly like bullets. Not that guns exist in this universe.

As the smoke cleared and Lup took slow, calming breaths, there was only the body of some humanoid creature laying in a puddle of black ichor and a cloud of spores. 

“Well,” Hekuba said, her voice rough, “There’s Nundro.”

“Another Rockseeker?” Julia asked. She was careful to keep her voice low. It looked like the mushrooms were reacting to sound. Kind of a weird thing for mushrooms to do, but okay. “So far our luck with Rockseekers is pretty bad.”

“Yeah, well, not this next one,” Hekuba insisted. She knelt over Nundro’s body, and tried not to think about how she could have found the same fate. She fished an iron lockbox out of Nundro’s bag, and tossed to over to Julia.

It was an easy enough lock to pick. Once she got the box open, Julia gawked at the gold coins within. 

“Mm, okay, maybe dinner’s on you?” Lup asked.

“And I don’t have to hack the elevator,” Julia sing-songed, holding up an iron key. 

“Can you please not call it hacking? You aren’t really… Doing that,” Kravitz pointed out as Julia unlocked the elevator’s controls and they all settled in.

“You!” Hekuba called, prodding a finger up into his stomach. “I see why Gundren keeps you around.”

“I may have forgotten to mention that I’m multiclassed,” Kravitz admitted.

“We’re keeping you,” Hekuba decided. “Gundren owes me.”

“Going down,” Julia announced as she pulled a lever on the controls. The elevator lurched under their combined weight, but slowly lowered on a weighted chain.

“Hey, bard boy, you got any music that might work for this?” Lup asked, smirking.

Kravitz seemed to think about it. “There’s always Girl from Ipanema.”

Lup cackled.

The elevator touched down after about forty seconds, a light refreshing  _ ding _ echoing through the little compartment as the lattice doors opened. Julia sighed, relieved to be out of such a cramped space. Hekuba relaxed with the feeling of the loamy sand beneath her feet and the sound of waves in the distance.

Lup took off for the pool of water, contained in a wide basin. It seemed to be glowing, and as she dipped her hand in it, several of the smaller scrapes on her palms that she received during the hike closed up. And Lup  _ was _ a curious alchemist, so she cupped her palms and brought the water up to her lips.

“What the hell are you doin’?” asked Hekuba.

“It’s magic as shit,” Lup explained. “Come get y’all some.”

While Julia joined her at the spring, Kravitz fixed his attention to a stone door etched into the wall nearby.

“We should really get a move on…” he pointed out.

“Krav, think about _this_ ,” Lup started, gesturing to the elevator. “That was  _ up  _ when we got to it. No one else came this way. I think we can afford to take a quick fifteen.”

“Yeah, I mean, we’ve been on the clock for at least four hours,” Julia added.

Kravitz sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. His bird croaked, balancing on the stone lip of the pond, dipping her beak in for a drink. He finally nodded and gave a slight smile, sitting alongside them at the shore. 

“Okay. Fifteen minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a shorter chapter than usual, but boy, we're getting there! more swapped roles revealed next chapter! they're pretty predictable and common swaps at first, but you'll see the expanse of my work soon enough. i rewrote the intro three times, and i still feel like it's a little clunky, but by the end of the chapter? i'm very proud of it.
> 
> important rolls: kravitz rolled max damage against the ochre jelly! hekuba rolled a 9 to rappel down the cliff, and lup rolled a 2 to hold the rope, so that would have gone ass-up either way. the only roll that julia seems to be consistently good at is Roll to Kick, which definitely gave me some ideas for future chapters ;)
> 
> important notes: julia is autistic and has some sensory issues involving sound. any loud is too loud.
> 
> also! heeeeere's lup! (i know i said she wears red currently, but consider this an outfit in later chapters lmao) https://78.media.tumblr.com/88c9c63f9e0bed96bbebcd483f5cbd56/tumblr_p15cd0BYPX1r2vneyo1_540.png
> 
> and finally, if you want, check me out at my tumblr! @crunchmaster-supreme! it's all memes, all the way down


	5. The Mystery Continues...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia is the law. Lup competes in the rodeo. Hekuba doesn't know what anime is.

If Kravitz let their break by the springside go on longer than fifteen minutes, he certainly didn't say anything about it. Julia thought he might be coming around, but she was quickly disproven when he fixed her with the saddest withering look after an she splashed him. Really, he looked like a wet cat with his ears drooping and his eyeliner running.

“Alright, break’s over,” Kravitz decided, standing up and wiping his face with the lining of his cloak. Lup groaned as she stood up, and Hekuba sighed as she pulled her feet out of the water. She was the first to make her way to the stone door built into the wall. 

Being a beach dwarf, Hekuba had no idea how this door functioned. She didn’t see any hinges or handles, but there was some faded text on there.

“What’s it say?” Julia asked, leaning her arm up against the door. The door opened, sending her jerking forward.

Hekuba fought a smirk. “It said  _ ‘push’ _ .” 

“Mystery solved,” Lup added, stepping into the corridor beyond. And boy howdy, was it a long corridor. It led the group deeper into the earth below, charging the air with a magic residue left over from ore mining. It kind of made Lup’s skin itchy. That much raw magic always felt weird.

“Is anyone else super creeped out by what we’re gonna find in here?” Julia asked, her voice echoing off the walls. “Like I’m gonna turn a corner and there’s gonna be a gremlin.”

“Gremlins don’t exist,” Hekuba dismissed. “It’s just gonna be Gundren’s old horseshit. There might be nothing.”

“If it’s nothing, I’m gonna fistfight Kravitz,” Lup added.

“And lose,” Kravitz added. Lup pointed at him and nodded in acknowledgement. He reassured them, “It’s definitely  _ something  _ in there.”

“And you can’t tell us?” Julia asked.

“I don’t think so,” Kravitz sighed.

“What, like a curse?” Lup asked. “I know a thing or two about curses. Once when I was a kid, this other caravan brat cursed himself to only taste key lime Go-Gurt.”

“Oh, the worst flavor!” Julia groaned, her nose wrinkling. “Did he ever get it fixed?”

“You know?” Lup said, eyebrows pressing together as she thought. “I can’t remember.”

“I don’t  _ think  _ this is a curse you can remove,” Kravitz admitted. “You know that scroll, Howll’s Moving Castle? With two l’s?”

Julia snapped. “I got you. We just gotta find you a hot wizard to fall in love with and help you realize that you’re great.”

“What the  _ hell  _ are you talking about?” Hekuba demanded.

The others were saved from having to answer as Lup pointed to the end of the tunnel up ahead- Finally, another room deeper down. She raced ahead, coming to stop at the edge of a grate on the floor.

This room was about the size of a butcher’s back room, with chains hanging down from the ceiling and connected to empty transport carts that ran on a track above them. The grate that spanned the greater part of the room overlooked a massive pit, above which sat a set of long rollers with tillers arranged to crush waste rock into dust. Various pieces of long-abandoned mining equipment leaned against the walls.

The chains clinked ominously against the catwalks that surrounded the room. This place gave Julia the major creeps, and she started for a ladder on the opposite side of the room, giving the pit a wide berth.

“Uh… Shit,” said a voice behind them. Julia drew her bow, turning on her heel with her arrow at the ready. Up on the catwalk above the door they just came through, a halfling woman with dark skin and short reddish hair raised her hands defensively, grimacing.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” Julia demanded. 

“Um, I’m… Hurley,” the halfling introduced herself, and she scratched at her fuzzy sideburns. “What are…  _ You _ doing here? There’s not supposed to be anyone else down here, especially not, um… You.”

“Weird question, you’re not the Motivator, are you?” Lup asked, eyeing Hurley over.

“The huh?” Hurley asked, face screwing up.

“Harley, I’ll be straight with ya,” Hekuba started.

“ _ Hurley _ , also please don’t,” Hurley interrupted. Lup snorted, grinning.

“Curly, some asshole kidnapped my cousin and brought him down here to, shit, I don’t know. Eat him, probably. So if you know anything about Gundren or this Motivator guy, I really wanna know.”

“I don’t know anything about your cousin,” Hurley said, “But I’m down here looking for someone, too.”

“We can help each other!” Julia suggested, grinning.

Hurley made a sound of discomfort, rubbing at the back of her neck. “I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to drag civilians into this. It’s really dangerous, you guys should head back up, and if Gundren is here, I’ll bring him back up to you.”

“No deal,” Lup said. “ _ We _ gotta get Gundren and stop the Motivator from doing something really evil and dangerous, or Kravitz is gonna actually explode.”

Hurley paused. “Is… The Motivator an orc, maybe six-eight? Wears glasses?”

“Maybe?” Lup answered. “We don’t know the guy.”

“I hope he’s not an orc,” Julia sighed. “Gundren won’t ever shut up about it if he is.”

“I’ll help kick his ass,” Lup promised.

“Alright, I just, I think we might be looking for the same thing, and I don’t know how to… Ask you this without running into kind of a language barrier,” Hurley rambled, pacing the length of the catwalk, “Are you guys… Looking for the  ███████████████████ ?”

Hekuba blinked at her, holding up her hand. “Start over.”

“How did you do that with your mouth?” Julia asked.

Kravitz, however, flinched as though he’d been struck. He stood up straight. His voice was hard when he said, “How do you know about that?”

Hurley gawked. “How do  _ you  _ know about it? Are you a member of the  ███████████████? ”

“No, I don’t know what that is,” Kravitz said, shaking his head. “I don’t understand.  █████████████████████████████.”

“Uh, whoa, hold on,” Hurley said. “Now it’s  _ my  _ turn to get lost.”

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Lup shouted over them. Her hands were clamped over her ears. “Fuck, all this static is making my head hurt.”

“I’ll explain it to you later,” Kravitz promised. “Hurley, the…  _ Thing _ you're looking for. Do you intend to use it?”

“No! I’m trying to stop my shitty coworker from using it.”

“Then we’re working together in that regard.”

“Nuh-uh, buddy, I’m sorry, I can’t have anyone compromising my mission.” Hurley placed one hand on the metal of the railing. She closed her eyes, a faint glow emitting from her hands. Before Julia could fire on her, she’d disappeared into a door behind her.

“Well, that seemed harmless,” Lup observed. 

The catwalk groaned and creaked as the metal bent.

“I take it back,” Lup said.

Hekuba belonged to a holy order- She knew the kind of magic that lived inside of monks. While monks of Hera were traditionally glorified clerks who oversaw marriages and divorces, there were those in the order who had a little more hands-on service experience. 

Some could do things like create storms with a swipe of their Argus Fan. Others were healers who, like Hekuba, used their own nervous system to heal damage to the injured. But some monks could attune their energy to inanimate objects and imbue them with a semblance of a spirit.

And as Hekuba looked at the metal serpent which surrounded the length of the room, creaking and cracking as its body became more organic, she regretted not ordering Julia to shoot Hurley on sight.

Julia pointed at the serpent, her mouth agape and her eyes wide. “Uhhhh!”

“I see it!” Hekuba growled. “Kravitz-”

When Hekuba turned to look, Kravitz was already gone. The door that Hurley had disappeared through swung open and shut a few times.

“Son of a bitch,” Lup swore. “How do we kill something metal and angry?”

“I think steel is weak to fire,” Julia suggested.

“Fuck off,” Lup said without malice, drawing her umbrella.

The metal beast lunged forward, launching its body at Hekuba. It coiled its body around her, squeezing tight. Hekuba’s armor groaned against the pressure, and she was getting  _ really  _ tired of being grabbed by shit today. She wheezed as her armor finally gave way, crunching like an aluminum can around her body. Hekuba snarled and shoved back against the serpent, falling to her knees a bit clumsily, but overall unharmed. 

And just to prove how pissed off she was at this shitty metal snake, she smashed her shield into it. The metal shook under the impact, and the force traveled down the length of the serpent’s body to break off a portion of rusted metal toward the tail.

The serpent rounded then on Lup, opening a mouth made of bent guard-rails which it angled down toward her torso. She yelped, reaching her arms out to catch the beast’s head in her palms. She skidded backwards as it pushed her, and uh, Lup for sure did not want to be eaten by some magic snake nonsense. She let off a burst of electricity from a  _ shocking grasp _ , and there was a  _ bang! _ as the electricity traveled down the length of metal. 

There was a spark as it reacted with the energy used to create the creature, and then a ripple as its shields faltered. Julia shouted, bringing her axe down onto the body of the beast. It glanced off, just barely scraping the steel. 

“Julia,” Julia sighed at herself, disappointed. The snake turned its attention to hr. “Ah, tits.”

A pair of strong jaws settled around her middle, crunching down hard onto hand-me-down leather armor, which was really not meant for this exact scenario. Julia cried out as the snake shook its head, tossing her across the room. Her stomach collided with a lever, which clunked and snapped under her weight. In the middle of the room, the grinder slowly powered on. 

Julia wheezed, cracked ribs aching beneath her shaking hands, and she got an idea. “Hekuba!”

The paladin nodded in agreement, running forward. Now, Hekuba was no stranger to rodeo. She went every year for the last twelve years because Merle wanted to see Kenny Chesney. But those rodeo boys were professionals, and usually human, and they didn’t try to wrassle with a giant metal snake powered by magic. 

It slammed her to the ground with no issue. Hekuba was an older dwarf, and her bones just couldn’t handle stunts like that anymore. 

Lup, however, was a young, genius, foolish, stuntin’ motherfucker. With the aid of her Goddamn Larry Bird Boots, leapt onto the back of the serpent and wrapped her legs as tight around its sides as she could.

She quickly unspooled a length of rope form her pack, looping it tight around the mouth of the snake. Julia grabbed one end of the rope, Hekuba grabbed the other end, and Lup held tight to the sides of the serpent’s head, and together, the three of them led this horse (a magic metal snake) to water (a very scary grinder). 

The machinery screeched and squealed as they forced the metal head into the rollers, and Hekuba pulled Lup off of the back of the beast by her belt loops. The three of them watched from their positions, seated on the ground, as the serpent thrashed and fought and eventually fell still as the last spark of magic within it gave out.

Hekuba reacher her hands out, resting one hand on Lup and Julia’s shoulders. The dwarf said, “I’m only gonna say this once.”

“Okay?” Julia said, looking at her curiously.

“Good job,” Hekuba praised, and she cast  _ cure wounds _ . Julia sighed as the sharp pain in her ribs faded, and Lup shrugged.

“I wasn’t hurt, so you wasted that spell slot, old lady,” Lup shrugged.

“Who said I was healin’ you?” Hekuba knocked at her punctured armor. “In case you missed it, I almost died.”

“In case  _ you _ missed it, we should take a job in being farmhands next time,” Lup fired back, “Horses don’t have shit on us.”

“Uh, so how are we supposed to get up to the door?” Julia asked.

“Looks like the snake ate up the ladder,” Hekuba said. “Might be able to pry it free.”

The ladder, thankfully, was salvageable, if a bit worse for wear. Julia leaned it daintily up against the wall, and grimaced as she climbed it. She held the door open as her team ascended, and they left the wreckage of the processing room behind them.

The hallway ahead was not like the rest of the cave. This place was manufactured, with stone bricks making up the walls and cobbled floors. This place was a fortress, hewn into stone and connected as if by coincidence to a mine.

“This is more along what I expected,” Julia said, observing the stonework. “This masonry is impeccable! Shame the place is like, cursed or something.”

“It’s just rocks,” Hekuba huffed. “It ain’t cursed. I can  _ sense  _ cursed shit.”

“What here is evil?” Lup asked.

“You,” Hekuba replied easily. 

“Rude. I’m chaotic neutral at worst,” Lup responded.

“Something deeper in,” Hekuba continued. “Too far for me to tell, but I’d bet it’s that vault the bard’s worried about.”

“Wait, you can seriously sense evil?” Lup asked.

Hekuba’s answer was drowned out by an explosion deeper within the mine. Around a corner, there was a flash of light, and someone cried out- A woman.

“Think that’s Hurley?” Julia asked.

“Maybe Krav is kicking her ass?”

Another shout, from a man’s voice.

“Nope,” Hekuba responded. “Let’s go help him out.”

As they rounded the corner, the group was met with the largest room they had come across so far. It was a giant hollowed out strip mine, with high ceilings and rigs set up with scaffolding and cables. At the far end of the room, there appeared to be a pit- Likely the one that the grinder fed into, which must have extended far underneath the mine. 

More than that, though, there was one very important thing: A big Disney-vault style vault door.

“Oh, shit!” Lup gasped.

Make that two important things: Lying precariously close to the edge of the pit was one Gundren Rockseeker.

“Glad you could make it,” called the dry voice of Kravitz somewhere the right. 

A number of important things, then! There was Kravitz and the halfling Hurley, bound together with rope, sitting flat on the floor. And sitting in front of them, in a backyard barbeque-style lawn chair, was an orcish man with big horn-rimmed glasses, a polo shirt, and some pressed khakis.

“What the fuck,” said Lup.

“Well, that’s not really setting-appropriate language,” chastised the orc. He gestured to a tray of drinks next to him. “Anyone want one?”

“Ooh!” Julia gasped, starting toward him. Hekuba grabbed the back of her pants to keep her from moving.

“Let me guess: The Motivator?” Lup asked, raising an eyebrow. This guy didn’t look threatening in the slightest. He looked like a nerd, and that was something that Lup was equipped to fight.

“That’s me! Brad ‘the Motivator’ Bradson!” the orc introduced with a big grin. “I haven’t seen you around, are you all new to the ██████?”

“Uh, yes. Absolutely,” Julia lied.

Brad stood up and snapped his fingers, the folding chair disappearing. “Well, my friends, I’m sorry to say that you found yourself a heck of a day to start! Normally, I’m a much better host! What branch are you in?”

“Uh,” Julia started, looking to Hekuba to help.

“Same as Hurley there,” Hekuba said.

Brad’s smile slipped. “You’re all Regulators?”

Hurley sighed, “They’re just random adventurers, Brad. They don’t have any idea what’s going on.”

“Oh?” Brad looked at them, laughing. “Well, what brings you all the way down here!”

Hekuba pointed to Gundren, over at the cliff’s edge. “My cousin.”

“Ohhh,” Brad said, cringing. The expression didn’t suit him, what with the tusks. “Sorry about that! I’m all finished up with him, actually, you can take him back if you want.”

“What, no catch?” Lup asked. “What’s your game, Bradson?”

“No game! I just needed a little bit of his blood.”

“That’s… Kind of a weird thing to need, Brad,” Julia pointed out.

“Sometimes magic needs weird components.”

“We also need the, uh, scruffy goth over there,” Lup pointed to Kravitz. 

Brad looked at Kravitz for a long time, before saying, “Yeah, that, uh… That’s a no-go, on that one. I can’t have him getting in my way.”

“C’mon, Brad,” Julia begged.

“No,” Brad said thoughtfully, “In fact, I think if you don’t go now, I’m not going to let you. I hate to be this guy, really, I do. But I really need what’s in that vault.”

“Alright,” Julia shrugged, and drew her bow.

“Oh! Okay! So we’re doing this.” Brad snapped his fingers again, an acoustic guitar appearing in his hands. Lup felt the overwhelming urge to give this grown-ass man the most powerful wedgie.

But first, she’d need all the help she could get. While Brad strummed his guitar to start channeling a spell, Lup pulled the front of her shirt out. 

“Wakey-wakey, li’l man. Need you to do me a favor,” Lup told her trusty rat familiar. He yawned very big, but climbed out and onto her shoulder. She pointed out toward Kravitz and Hurley. “Let ‘em loose for me, T-Dog. And don’t beef it, okay? Re-summoning you takes a lot out of me, like, emotionally.”

The rat climbed down, scurrying across the floor and over to the bound forms of Hurley and Kravitz. Lup closed her eyes as she borrowed her familiar’s consciousness. She saw through his eyes as his little rodent hands settled on the rope, felt the grit of the rope between his teeth. 

She didn’t hear as Brad clicked his tongue in disappointment at her poorly-concealed antics, but she certainly felt it when Brad’s guitar smashed into her vulnerable physical body. The pain broke her out of the connection, and floored her outright.

“Holy shit, Lup!” shouted Julia. She ran at Brad, throwing her entire weight into a devastating slash with her axe. She caught him in the chest, pulling the axe out with a firm kick to his gut. Brad didn’t seem too phased, even as the newly-freed Hurley and Kravitz encircled him.

“You’re outnumbered, Bradson. Surrender now, and I’m sure the Director will go easy on you,” Hurley begged.

“You know, I once read that true strength lies not in relying on oneself, but in learning to ask for help,” Brad quoted. He whistled a short tune, and the cave walls reverberated with the music. 

Then, some of the rocks began to float just outside the edge of the pit, and Julia and Hekuba could only watch as the rocks joined together, taking on the form of a large stone golem. It hovered just behind Brad as it assembled itself larger and larger, a fog-light shining brightly out from an empty face. Brad smiled proudly as his creature assembled himself, up until Kravitz clocked him in the jaw.

Julia covered her mouth because, wow, Kravitz did not look like he could hit that hard. Hekuba actually laughed. Lup, if she weren’t struggling to focus on the ground in front of her, would have found it incredible.

The half-assembled golem crumbled to pebbles. Kravitz gestured to Brad, and Hurley stepped in, grabbing him by his shirt collar.

“Brad Bradson, you are hereby under arrest for crimes of treason against the ██████████████, ████████████████████, ███████████████████████-”

“Please stop,” Julia requested.

“And the four of you!” Hurley rounded on them, a grin spreading across her face. “You’ve been a great help!”

“Uh, Hurley?” Lup groaned, rubbing at the sizable lump on the back of her head.

“Yes?”

“It might be the concussion, but uh, are there… Two Gundrens?”

Hurley followed Lup’s trail of vision over to the edge of the cliff where, sure enough, there were two Gundren Rockseekers, who both sat up slowly. The Brad in front of them disappeared in a flash of light.

“That no good, slimy son of a…” Hurley growled. “He cast  _ mislead _ .”

“Shit,” said Julia. “Do we really need Gundren?”

“ _ Yes _ , you need Gundren,” said one of the Gundrens.

“But which one’s the real Gundam Rockseeker?” asked Lup. 

“One of them only tells lies and one of them only tells the truth,” Julia goofed.

“That’s a very funny joke, but this is also a serious problem,” Hurley told them. “I can’t bring  _ both  _ of them in- That’d be a breach in protocol, and also illegal.”

“What’s a question only Gundren would know?” Julia asked Kravitz.

“You’re acting like this is a hard thing to find out,” Hekuba huffed, approaching the dual Gundrens with her axe drawn. “Alright. I’m only gonna ask you the once. I want both of you to answer on the count of three. What’s my husband’s name? One, two, three.”

“Merle,” said the Gundren on the left.

The Gundren on the right stared at her for a long moment before booking it. Julia had been ready, and shot him in the leg the second he started. She nodded, proud of herself for the good job with the bow. The illusion faded as the false Gundren hit the ground, revealing a very pale and smiling Brad Bradson in his place.

“Any chance we can talk this over a cup of coffee?” Brad asked.

Julia brought her axe down.

“Well,” sighed Hurley, running a hand through her hair, “That could have gone a lot better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurley is my disaster wife and i'm glad she's finally here. i'm playing fast and loose also with the monk playset, just because monk is one of my favorite classes to play.  
> also, i love greek mythos, so getting to name all of hekuba's items will be A Lot of Fun.
> 
> important rolls: hekuba rolled a nat 1 to avoid being crushed by the metal snake. lup rolled a nat 20 to rodeo that bad boy. lup also rolled a 4 on her familiar stealthing over to kravitz and hurley, and brad got an 18 on Guitar Smash, dropping lup down to 2 HP. 
> 
> brad was casting animate objects, which is a concentration-based spell- so when he got hit, the whole thing failed. kravitz is jealous and does not like other bards.
> 
> i didn't mention persephone the raven this chapter (whoops!) but i assume she was dispelled during the initial fight against brad. she's a magical familiar, so she's fine! she's just taking a nap in a pocket dimension to recover


	6. To Ashes, To Flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia has a heartfelt conversation. Lup gets a new accessory. Hekuba makes a call.

In the seconds following Brad’s execution, there was quiet. Then, there was a fun girly pop song that played out of a round crystal at Hurley’s hip as her Stone of Far Speech rang.

“Uh, gimme a second,” she politely excused herself, stepping aside. She raised the stone to her ear, grinning. “Hi, baby! Oh! Uhhh, haha, uh, _hey_ , Director, sorry, are you- using my girlfriend's Stone?”  She raised her finger and stepped a little bit further away.

“Gundren, what the hell happened to you?” Hekuba asked, eyeing over the other dwarf. He’d been roughed up some in the attack by the Hammerhead Bandits, but nowhere close to how badly Kravitz had been hurt. 

“My bodyguard dropped the ball and let me get taken by some cult weirdo,” Gundren responded, fixing Kravitz with a look.

“Don’t pin this on him, Gundren. You lied to us from the start! What are you really after?”

Hurley cleared her throat, holding her Stone out toward Kravitz. She said, “He, uh, he wants to talk to you.”

Kravitz took the crystal and tentatively lifted it to his mouth. “Kravitz speaking.” 

There was a moment where the muffled voice on the other line spoke, and then Kravitz’ face fell. His ears twitched- Lup couldn’t tell what he was feeling, though, it seemed like one of those complicated twitches. Whatever the voice on the other line said, it didn’t seem to be something Kravitz wanted to hear. 

“We’ll… Be right back. Stay here, okay?” Hurley asked with an awkward smile, pulling Kravitz aside as she transferred the Stone to speaker mode.

“You wanted to know what I’m after?” Gundren asked, re-drawing the trio’s attention. He gestured with his head to the big vault door, guiding the party over to it. He rested his palm against the door for a second, a smaller bronze door opening rather than the giant vault door. The air in the room beyond was stagnant, and Lup spat as some dust blew into her face.

This sealed room, much smaller than one would expect from a room kept behind a vault door, held remarkably little within it. A few mining tools, a deactivated mining rig, a cart full of sediment and junk rock. There was another door on the far end of the room, a smaller vault door.

“We dwarves love our vaults,” Gundren said by mean of explanation.

“Shit, I _guess_ ,” Lup scoffed.

Hekuba paused, though, her vision drawn to something in the far corner of the room. There was a figure sitting there, their back up against the wall. It was hard for Hekuba to tell much else about it, though, because of the wide-brimmed hat that obscured the person’s face.

“Gundren,” Hekuba called. Her cousin turned, jumping just about out of his skin when he noticed the person. 

“Uh, hey!” Julia called to the figure. “You okay?”

The person did not move. Julia cautiously padded closer, her axe at the ready. 

“Is it dead?” Lup asked, making a face. She shuddered. “I hope it’s not dead. Dead people gross me the fuck out.”

Julia slowly lifted the brim of the hat, letting out a breath when she saw yellowed bone and hollowed out sockets beneath. She didn’t look away from the skeleton as she yelled, “Yeah, it’s super dead.”

“Whoever it was, it wasn’t a dwarf,” Gundren pointed out, striking a torch. He held it close to the body. “My guess? Elf. Look at the teeth.”

“Hey!” Julia pushed him back, her heart speeding up. It wouldn’t take much for the body to ignite, but this was a person, once. They deserved to be left alone. Gundrne huffed and rolled his eyes, returning to the vault door.

In the torchlight, she could see the figure more clearly. They had a red cloak wrapped about their shoulders, and the clothes beneath were faded with time. Julia thought she could make out tall heeled boots and pieces of silver jewelry, but it was hard to tell.

Julia always took time to think when she saw the dead. Raven’s Roost had an encased glass cemetery- They were beloved by the city’s patron goddess- and every autumn, the citizens would gather there in the Lady’s Atrium with candles and paints and flowers to pay respects to their loved ones, who remained just as they were left. She wondered if this person had anyone to do that for her.

“Looks like they've been here a while,” Hekuba observed, leaning in close.  “Wonder what they’re doin’ down here.”

“Whoever they are, this hat is so fuckin’ extra and I love it,” Lup said, reaching down to grab it.

“Lup, don’t-!” Julia started to reprimand her. As Lup’s hand touched the hat’s brim, the room lit up like Candlenights. It rivalled even Gundren’s torch, and a wild wind whipped around her body. She wanted to drop the hat out of frightened instinct, but she couldn’t seem to let go. It was like there was another hand around hers, keeping it there.

And then the pressure faded and the wind slowed, and Lup let out a breath.

“Are you okay?” Julia asked, eyes wide and worried.

“I’m fine,” Lup said, looking down at the hat. “What, the hat’s not evil or anything, is it?”

Hekuba shrugged. “I’m out of  _ sense evil _ charges. It didn’t  _ look  _ evil. Guess you just got a ghost hat.”

“ _ Boys in the band got a ghost hat, _ ” Lup half-sang, looking it over. In her grasp, it had transformed slightly. On the skeleton, it had been a black hat with a white sash and ribbon. But now the colors had flipped, and Lup caught her reflection in a pretty blue stone that adorned the black ribbon. “Huh.”

She put the hat on, and caught Hekuba and Julia’s approving, if disappointed, nods. A few things happened, then. 

The vault door that Gundren stood at  _ clunked _ as it opened, and he wiped his bloody palm against his shirt. Hurley and Kravitz, alarmed by the vicious storm and blinding light brought by the Ghost Hat, appeared in the doorway behind them. Kravitz fixed Lup with a long stare and then looked to the body in the corner, his shoulders falling, and he turned and left without another word. 

These events seemed unconnected.

“I literally asked you to stay in one place, forty-five seconds ago!” Hurley shouted. To the Stone in her hand, she said, “Sir, I’ll have to call you back!” and hung up.

“To be fair,” Julia started, hands raising defensively, “We’re bad at following directions.”

“I noticed,” Hurley sighed. She paused. “Where’s Gundren?”

Hekuba turned around. “Son of a bitch.”

Hurley led the charge into the true vault, her bare feet padding against hard stone as she sprinted ahead. She was very fast for someone so short, Julia thought, and she struggled to keep up. Julia yelped as the ground underfoot changed and she slipped, flat onto her ass.

“You sure you’re a rogue?” Hekuba panted, doubling over.

“Whoa,” Julia said, inspecting the ground underfoot. It was perfectly smooth black glass. And looking ahead, all of the walls, the ground, seemed to be the same black glass material. It made the vault up ahead look pitch black, with one spot of light shining down into the center, where Gundren Rockseeker stood with his hand stretched out before him. 

“Damn it!” Hurley swore, holding her arm out to keep the others behind her. “Gundren, you really shouldn’t have done that.”

“You know, I’m pretty tired of people telling me what I shouldn’t do,” Gundren growled. “You asked me what I came here for, Hekuba?”

“I’m guessin’ that?” she said, gesturing to the silver glove on Gundren’s left hand.

Gundren chuckled. “No. This vault, my legacy, my father’s fuckin’ final resting place where he made his last stand against those  _ fucking orcs _ -”

Julia flinched.

“-Was supposed to hold hundreds of magic items,” Gundren explained. “I was gonna sell ‘em, earn millions as a magical arms dealer. But now…” He looked down at his arm, flexing his fingers.

“You need to give that to me, Gundren,” Hurley pleaded. “That thing is so powerful, you can’t- You’ll be destroyed by it.”

“Are you threatening me, girl?” Gundren asked. “You think I can’t control it?”

“I know you can’t.”

“Hurley, maybe don’t antagonize the guy with some super-weapon,” Lup suggested.

“Kravitz, back me up here,” Hurley asked, turning her head. Kravitz was not there. In fact, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. “Where did he…?”

“He just left?” Julia asked. “He wouldn’t just leave, would he?”

“Coward,” Lup scoffed. 

“I  _ can  _ control it,” Gundren said. A lick of fire travelled up his arm, spreading over his clothing, his beard, onto his hair, until her was engulfed by fire like some sort of Dwarven Torch. Lup swallowed hard. “And I can prove it.”

Gundren turned his head to look at Julia.

He raised the glove above his head, an extended fist of fire forming in the air there. 

“Run!” Hurley shouted, the group scattering just as the flaming fist came down onto the spot in the glass where Julia had been. They scattered through the tunnel, the heat on their backs unbearable. Hekuba pulled the others to the ground as Gundren rocketed over their heads, scorching the walls as he clipped them. 

He paused for a moment in the entrance chamber, watching them with eyes of heat and light until another idea seemed to cross his mind. He grinned, and shot straight up- Heat burning right through the ceiling overhead, all the way through to the surface where a thin pinprick of brightness shone through. In the sudden stillness that followed, the only sound was four adventurers catching their breath.

“Shit,” Hurley exhaled. “Oh, fuck. This is bad.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Hekuba agreed.

“You're not exempt from this!” Hurley snapped. “You don’t understand how bad this is!”

“Because no one will tell us!” Julia responded. “Hurley, we wanna help you!”

“We do?” Lup asked, voice shaky. “Uh, nuh-uh. I didn’t sign up for whatever that was.”

“Lup…” Julia started.

“No, I’m serious! I don’t want anything to do with that! In case you didn’t notice? I’m kind of a shitty wizard!”

“And I’m kind of a shitty rogue,” Julia reassured her. “But we did kind of cause that to happen. I don’t want Gundren to hurt anybody, and I don’t know what he’s planning, but it can’t be anything good. You don’t have to stay with us, Lup, but I would like it if you would because you’re my friend.”

“You’ve known me for one day,” Lup said, her voice strained. She wiped at her eyes with the back of her sleeve, “Yeah, okay. Make me cry, why don’t you. Alright, I’ll team up with you three shitheels on this suicide run just because it’s not like I have anything else to do.”

“So now we need to find the fastest way out of here,” Hekuba said. “We can try the cave again, but if we get caught up in another fight…”

“I, uh…” Hurley stated, paling a little bit. “I think I have a way.” She rolled back one of the sleeves of her uniform, revealing a steel bracer with a rune engraved into it. She pressed the tune, which glowed yellow and began to blink. 

Her Stone began to glow again. She picked it up, answering, “Regulator Hurley to Dispatch?”

A woman’s voice on the other line went, “ _ Done already, Hurley? That’s a new record. _ ”

“Well, uh, no,” Hurley responded. “There’s kind of a… Situation. Someone got the  ████████.”

“ _ Uhhh, shit. Does the Director know? _ ”

“No?” Hurley’s voice rose in pitch guiltily. “I need a transport to my coordinates.”

“You’re leaving?” The voice sounded disappointed.

“No. But I’m not playing strictly by-the-book, you know?”

“ _ When do you ever? _ ” the voice asked. “ _ Okay, transport inbound. Be careful, Hurley. I’d rather not lose more friends today. _ ”

“Thanks, Toni,” Hurley responded, ending the call.

“She seems nice,” Julia said.

“She is!” Hurley agreed happily. “Uh, but everyone should probably press close to the walls. Things are about to be loud and dangerous.”

“Title of your sex tape, Loud and Dangerous,” Lup goofed. Hurley snorted and shook her head.

“Gross.”

The blinking on Hurley’s bracer grew faster and faster until she finally pressed everyone as tight to the wall as possible. There wasn’t much time between that maneuver and the entire damn ceiling crashing in on them as something solid and metal dropped into the ground. Belatedly, a parachute popped open as a circular metal vessel crash landed in the middle of the room, burying everything under several feet of rubble.

Hurley coughed against the dust, calling, “Okay, everybody in! This thing isn’t really rated for flight, but any monk with enough  _ qi  _ can animate something enough to make some exceptions!”

“Is that a goddamn spaceship,” Hekuba deadpanned. 

Hurley laughed, “God, no!”

Julia and Lup cramped into the backseat, both too big to fit comfortably with the kneespace provided by the seats in this thing, while Hurley took the driver’s seat at the helm. There were too many buttons and levers here for Hekuba to make heads or tails of any of it, but she made damn sure to buckle up when she sat down.

“Alright, here goes nothing,” Hurley sighed, closing her eyes as she rested her palms on the control panel. The parachute atop the vessel retracted, and the vessel began to rise as a large balloon inflated. Lup watched the debris of the cave through the glass windows, her eyes focused on the bare head of the long-dead skeleton.

It was dark for about a minute as the pod rose up out of the ground, and as it emerged into the open air, the party could see for themselves the path that Gundren had wrought. A trail of burnt earth and smoldering plants traced a path down the side of one of the Sword Mountains. In the distance, Julia pointed out a large explosion off the north road.

As Hurley led the vessel closer, Julia covered her mouth in horror. It had been a caravan, and from the looks of things, a group of slavers had already set upon it. Her nails curled into the leather arm of the seat as she saw orcish bodies, charred and injured, being herded into cages.

“We have to help them,” Julia said.

“Julia,” Lup said quietly. When Julia looked up, she saw Lup pointing further down the road. From their vantage point, they could see the chimney smoke from distant Phandalin, but that wasn't where Gundren’s trail led. Even Hekuba leaned forward in her seat in dawning horror as Gundren’s trail led further north, toward the spires of the City of Skilled Hands.

“Oh, God,” Hurley whispered. “He’s going to Neverwinter.”

“My kids,” Hekuba mumbled numbly, her hand covering her mouth. She pulled a Stone of Farspeech out from her pocket, not even stopping to breathe when someone answered. “Mookie, baby? Put your sister on the line, okay?”

Julia gave one last look to the orcs in the cages below and steeled her heart. “Hurley, get us there fast.”

Hurley didn’t need to be told twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few people have mentioned that they like how different this is the source material and let me tell you, this is only the beginning! this chapter is another short one, but golly is it a good one, i think.
> 
> important rolls: there weren't many of them this chapter, but i still think they're neat to include! julia rolled a 4 on the perception check to notice the glass in the vault. overall, the group rolled 14+ on avoiding gundren's fire attack. (original draft had hekuba blocking the fire punch with her shield, but like, she's short and julia is an orc, but it's there in my heart and in the hbo adaptation of this fanfic). julia rolled a 19 on her persuasion check against lup, who rolled a 7 to oppose it. oh, my soft sweet emotional girl.
> 
> other info: hurley's ringtone for sloane is 'let's get lost' from e.mo.tion side a. the director knew calling from sloane's phone is the only way hurley would answer.


	7. Hell Hath No Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia smiles. Hekuba's blood boils. Lup gets a glove.

Hurley followed Gundren’s trail as best she could, but half of Neverwinter was already burning. Fire wagons and brigadeers ran through the streets, heaving buckets out from the river to futilely try and save their homes. Lup was practically curled around herself, eyes wide as she watched the world below.

Hekuba finally hung up her Stone, sighing. She’d long since convinced her kids to pack it up and meet her at their home, but her oldest needed some reassurance once the fires started. 

Lup said, “We should have listened to you and Kravitz.”

“I didn’t know it would be this strong,” Hurley admitted. “I’ve never seen one of these things used before.”

“There are more things like this?” asked Julia, horrified.

Hurley winced, focusing on the controls of her makeshift flightcraft. “I’m really not supposed to talk about them, but… Yes. I.. Work for a... Concerned organization, that wants to stop these things from hurting people.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us that?” Julia asked, leaning forward in her seat.

“I have no way of knowing how much you’d be able to understand!” Hurley snapped. “What was I supposed to say? Hi, I’m Hurley, I work for the  ███████████████ , I’m trying to  ███████ the ██████████ so that we can ██████████, also the ███████ █████████ ███████████████-”

“Okay, I see your point,” Julia conceded, uncovering her ears once Hurley sighed heavily.

“I want to tell you,” Hurley said quietly. “I really do. You seem like good people who genuinely want to fix this. Maybe, if we survive this-”

A wave of fire crashed into the transport pod, knocking it out of the sky. It crashed hard into the gravel coastline of the Neverwinter beach, the glass and metal denting and cracking as the sphere came to a bouncing stop about thirty feet away from its initial crash point. 

Inside the pod, an alarm blared. Julia groaned, unclicking her seat belt. She fell directly downward, on top of a bloodied Hekuba. Hurley was unconscious, her little body slumped across the control panel. Lup hung limply from her seat, ears flat against her skull as she struggled to find her equilibrium.

“Everyone okay?” Julia asked, rubbing her forehead.

“I’m gonna yartz,” Lup responded.

“Curly’s out cold,” Hekuba observed, looking around the pod for some sort of control. The door was trapped underneath them, bent out of place by the crash landing.

“Oh, fuck,” Lup gasped. Just up the beach, surrounded by a tornado of flame, was one very proud looking Gundren Rockseeker. Just behind him, clinging to one another’s hands, stood a pair of dwarven children with backpacks slung over their shoulders.

Hekuba saw red. If anyone said anything to stop her from smashing the handle of her axe against the glass overhead, she didn’t hear it. 

Hera was a goddess of many facets. She had a diverse portfolio, naming her goddess of cows, peafowl, fertility, and marriage. But Hera was also a goddess of mothers, and there is not a damn thing in all of existence with more righteous fury than a mother-goddess’ paladin.

The glass shattered Hekuba’s strike, raining down on the group within the pod. 

“Hek, maybe take it slow,” Julia advised. “Think it through.”

“That greasy bastard has my  _ kids _ ,” Hekuba growled, “And you want me to not run over there and kill him.”

“I don’t want them getting hurt,” Julia reassured her. “I know you’re angry, but I don’t want you getting reckless.”

“How are you so good at feelings, Julia?” Lup sighed. 

“I have a lot of practice,” Julia answered. “Are you going to be okay when we go out there?”

Hekuba took a deep breath and grit her teeth. “If anything happens to them…”

“I won’t let anything happen,” Julia promised. 

“Are you three done in there?” called Gundren from across the beach, his fire having burned low with boredom.

“Just a second!” Julia shouted. She hooked her arm underneath Hurley’s body, hefting the halfling woman up and over her shoulder. She nodded, and Hekuba led the charge. She had her shield raised as she climbed out of the pod, and balanced on the edge as Julia and Lup climbed out behind her.

“Hi, Mama!” shouted one of the dwarven children, waving one arm high into the air as he grinned a big gap-toothed smile.

“Hi, baby,” Hekuba offred a strained smile. “What’re you doin’ with Gundren, kiddo?”

“Mr. Rockseeker said that he would wait here with us for you,” answered the other child. She said it cautiously, fixing Gundren with an expression that Julia recognized as Hekuba’s Capital L Look.

“That’s real nice of him,” Hekuba said through her teeth. “Well, I’m here now, so Mr. Rockseeker can get back to where he’s headin’.”

“I think I’m good here,” Gundren said. His voice sounded different, like there was someone else talking through him. He looked to the two children then nodded his head toward Hekuba. The girl raced across the beach, dragging her brother along with her. Hekuba pulled them behind her, one arm curling around them protectively. 

“Cover your ears, kids,” Lup advised. “Gundren, it’s a  _ dick move _ to use actual children like that.”

Julia winced. There went a chance at polite reconciliation. She sighed, passing Hurley off to Lup, who grunted under her weight. Julia took a step closer. “Gundren, what do you hope to get out of this? The people who live here didn’t hurt your family or attack Phandalin all those years ago.”

“ _You_ wanted control!” Gundren shouted, the flames around him rising. “This is control, I’m controlling it!”

“Throwing a temper tantrum doesn’t seem like controlling it to me,” Julia argued.

“Easy, Jules,” Lup advised.

“I’ll be okay,” Julia said. “I’ve talked down people like him before. Gundren, your brothers, Tharden and Nundro, did they know what you were looking for in the vault?”

“We were…” Gundren sounded dazed. “We were lookin’ for magic items. But when the vault opened, there was nothing in there but this glove, and… And our pops, all burnt up…”

“Did your dad put the glove on?” Julia asked. “Think about it, Gundren, if he put the glove on and it killed him, what makes you think it’ll be any different for you?”

“You don’t get it,” Gundren spat harshly. “It was calling for  _ me. _ ”

“And you don’t think that’d odd? That some magic glove in a cave, locked away by your father, called out to you and told you to put it on?” Julia pressed closer. She was maybe six feet away from him now, the heat of the fire prickling uncomfortably off of her skin. “That sounds like a cursed item to me, Gundren.”

Gundren looked down at the glove on his hand. He looked up, uncharacteristic fear in his eyes. “Is it cursed? Hekuba, is this thing evil?”

“It damn sure ain’t friendly,” Hekuba responded. “I mean, what’d you expect, Gundren? One out of every, what, fifteen magic items is cursed.”

“But we have a wizard with us,” Julia said, offering a comforting smile. Since she had her back turned, she didn’t catch the surprised look that Lup gave her. “If you take it off, we can remove the curse.”

Gundren had his eyes fixed on her mouth. No, her tusks. Too late, Julia stopped smiling. 

“Like hell I am giving  _ my birthright _ to some  _ filthy fucking orc _ ,” Gundren told her in a low growl. 

Julia’s expression fell as the fire surrounding Gundren’s body, just seconds before burning at a low simmer, rose to a terrible inferno. The flames licked across her arms, searing the skin there. She yelped and staggered back, watching as Gundren rose into the sky, the fire growing larger and larger.

Gundren rose his hand and shot off a volley of white fire. Except, it didn’t hit its mark. It deflected off a shimmering shield in the sand, the fire arcing high over the dome and continuing forward for hundreds of feet. 

Standing to the side, his scythe held in one hand like a staff, was Kravitz. He looked positively haunted, he let out a heavy sigh as his spell drained him of energy. He slumped forward, just barely staying standing.

“Oh, shit, he came back!” Lup cheered. 

“All the good it does us,” Hekuba said. 

Gundren screamed in inarticulate rage, catching Kravitz with a broad swing of his arm. His body crashed against the outer wall of the barrier, the children screaming as Gundren’s fire burned him away in front of them, down to bone, then to nothing at all. And after that… Everything was so loud. 

Outside the barrier, it was loud and it was bright. Inside, the group pressed close together. Hekuba, on her knees in defeat, held her children close to her sides. Lup folded the wide brim of her hat down over her ears, fingers curling in the fabric as she found herself sobbing for a reason she couldn’t entirely place. Julia, right at the edge of the barrier, held her hand up to the wall of force and watched for nearly ten minutes as the whole damn world burned away.

When the fire stopped, it seemed to rewind itself back to the source. A trail of white hot light retreated back to the form of a dwarven skeleton with their hand reached above their head. It floated gently down to the earth, and crumbled away to ash. The silver glove was the only thing left standing in a field of black glass.

Julia wasn’t sure when the barrier came down. She just knew that when it did, she could feel the heat rising out form the obsidian, and she could smell that ozone smell of magic along with the black smoke that blanketed the sky above. In the distance, in Neverwinter proper, the storm sirens were still running. She could still see the peaked spires of Castle Never. 

“It’s still there,” she found herself saying. Her voice felt thick.

“What is,” Hekuba spoke in a grumble, pressing her face into her son’s curly black hair.

“Neverwinter,” Julia answered. “Gundren… Burned himself out quick.”

Hekuba stood up on weary legs, looking around her. The beach was gone, save for a small stretch of sand that had been contained within the barrier. But out in the distance, if she really listened for it, Hekuba could still hear the water striking against the shore.

“That went bad,” Lup said as though she’d decided it suddenly, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her jacket, “And frankly, this looks bad given my record. But I really don’t have the resources to book it the hell out of Dodge, again.”

“And what are we supposed to do with that thing?” Julia asked, looking out toward the silver gauntlet.

“Throw it into the fuckin’ volcano for all I care,” Lup said.

“And give it  _ more  _ power? No thanks. Hurley works for people who want to stop crazy strong magic stuff from hurting anyone, right? They’ve gotta have a plan,” Julia decided. She looked back at Hurley, who was laying in the sand. 

“She’s not gonna be happy,” Lup sighed. 

“We probably could have done it, if I wasn’t… You know…” Julia gestured at herself.

“Don’t blame yourself for Gundren, kid,” Hekuba shook her head. “World’s better off without him. And it’ll be better off without that glove.” 

She placed one hand over Hurley’s back, and cast  _ lay on hands. _ Hera must have been proud of her, because Hurley blinked her eyes open almost immediately. She sat up, spitting sand out of her mouth and shaking it out of her curls, and it was then that she noticed the state of the beach.

“Oh, no…” she whispered. “What happened, how did-?”

“Kravitz was a crazy powerful magic user,” Lup explained. “He made a shield when Gundren went all Flame On.”

“And he’s…?” Hurley asked. Julia nodded. Hurley let herself slump back against the sand and sighed. “Fuck.”

“On the upside,” Julia said, helping Hurley up. She pointed at the glove. “Gundren left  _ that  _ behind. Your organization has, like, a plan for those, don’t they?”

Hurley gawked at it. “How long have you all been exposed to it?”

“Two, three minutes?”

“And none of you have tried to put it on?” Hurley asked.

“No! Why would we? After what it just did?” Lup asked.

Hurley looked between all of them, her mouth falling open. “You guys are like, rockstars. That thing has a- a- Like a mind control thing, a thrall. I can feel it right now, but none of you feel anything?”

“Maybe a little bit,” Hekuba’s daughter admitted, lifting her glasses to wipe her eyes. “I didn’t want to say anything, I didn’t want anyone to get mad…”

“I don’t like it,” her son said. “It’s too loud in m’ head.”

“We’ll make it go away, okay, honey?” Hekuba reassured her children, smoothing down their hair. To Hurley, she asked, “What do we need to do?”

“Well, uh…” Hurley rubbed the back of her neck. “One of the three of you is going to need to carry it.”

“I’m not going anywhere near that thing,” Lup said.

“My kids need me,” Hekuba denied.

Julia didn’t hesitate. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Be careful, please,” Hurley begged. Julia took a step forward onto the cooling obsidian. She held her breath as she approached the glove.

As she got close enough, something like a buzz ran over her skin.

_ Heyyy _ , a smooth voice said in her mind.  _ Aren’t you a strong one. That Gundren was real nasty, right? What a dick. I guess you deal with that a lot, though, huh? Hey. I have an idea. Put me on. _

“I’m sorry, are you…” Julia shook her head. “Are you the glove?”

_ Bingo, baby. So here’s the sitch: I’m like, super strong. And you’re, uh, wow. V Good. Put me on, and you can burn creeps like Gundren right outta here. You love a good cause, don’t you, Julia? _

“Uh,” Julia thought about it.

_ It’ll be just like the rebellion, you know? Punchin’ guys with a big fuck-off glove, sticking it to the man. A big ‘ol flaming middle finger to society. _

“Julia, what’s taking so long?” Hurley asked, sounding antsy. 

_ Say nothing’s wrong. _

“Nothing,” Julia called back. “Wait, why did I... “

_ Don’t worry about it, babe. You and me are gonna get along great, I can tell already. C’mon, please? I’ll be worth it. _

Lup smacked the glove out of Julia’s hand, the voice fading out of her head. She blinked a few times, looking down at her hands. She remembered picking up the glove, almost slipping it onto her hand.

“You okay?” Lup asked, turning over the glove to inspect it. “I guess this thing don’t mess around. Man, this thing sucks.”

“Be careful with it,” Julia said. “It’s really tricky. I think it was flirting with me?”

Lup snorted. “Getting seduced by a glove? Jules, how lonely are you?”

“I’m not lonely,” Julia insisted, sounding whiny to her own ears. “What, don’t you hear it?”

“Yeah, it was  _ annoying _ .” Lup plopped the glove into her open bag. “ _Womp_. That bad boy can live with the Reese’s Cup wrapper from this morning.”

“Do you have it?” Hurley called across the beach.

“We got it,” Lup tapped her bag for emphasis. “It wasn’t that bad, y’all just haven’t gotten used to dealing with con artists. Now what, Hurls?”

“First: Bad nickname, try again. Second, uh, I need to make a call. Hang on.” Hurley felt around for her Stone of Far Speech, and raised it to her lips. When she spoke, it was apologetically. “Heeeeyyyyy, Toni…”

Toni, on the other end, answered the call instantly. “ _ Hurley! Is everything okay? Everyone’s talking about a mushroom cloud outside Neverwinter! _ ”

“Yeah, that’s… Why I’m calling. The good news is, we have the █████. The bad news is, _it_ caused that.”

“ _ You have it? How did you manage to get a hold of it without █████████? Oh, shit. _ ”

“What? Toni, what’s-?”

A different voice spoke on the line. “ _ Regulator Hurley. _ ”

Hurley stood up straight, face going pale. “Uh, Director! I… Am so sorry.”

The voice on the other end sighed deeply. “ _ It’s alright. We’ll just have to ███████ ███████. You said you have the █████? _ ”

“Uh, yes, sir,” responded Hurley. “I had some help. The people running the Rockseeker job seem… Well, I know this sounds crazy, but they seem to be immune to the thrall. And, sir, um… That Kravitz guy, he didn’t make it. I know you wanted to meet him, I’m sorry.”

“ _ I see. Return to the base, Hurley. Bring those three with you. _ ”

“Five, sir, one of them has children,” Hurley informed him. “Their home, uh… Was destroyed.”

There was a long silence. “ _ I’ll make some accommodations. We’ll talk more once you're home, Hurley. Here you are, Antonia, thank you. _ ”

The voice of Toni came back on the line. “ _ Uh, thank you, sir? ….Does he not have his own Stone of Far Speech that he can use? _ ”

“I don’t think so, no. Uh, but since you’re on the line, Toni, I do need another transport…”

Toni gave a shocked gasp. “ _ Elizabeth Hurley, you absolute monster! _ ”

“I’m sorryyyy?” Hurley apologized.

“ _ Alright. I’m sending one down for you. Don’t think I won’t remember this the next time you want to borrow a pod to go- _ ”

Hurley hung up, running a hand back through her hair as her bracer began to blink on its own.

“So on a scale from one to ten, how much weirder is today about to get?” Julia asked. “I mean, we saw a dwarf made of fire, trapped an evil glove in our backpack, flew in a spaceship-”

“ _ That _ is not a spaceship,” Hurley laughed awkwardly, “Uh, a ninety, for sure. You’re gonna see some stuff.”

Without the ceiling of miles deep rock separating them from the sky, a pod appeared much quicker this time around. It was a lot more cramped, as Julia and Lup took the back seats and Hekuba made each of them hold onto a child. Julia at least got the quiet, well-behaved one. Lup had to wrestle with the boy to get him buckled up.

“Mookie, you play nice back there,” Hekuba ordered, buckling into her own seat.

“You have big teeth!” the boy, Mookie said, pushing Lup’s lips back to look at her chompers.

“You know why elves have big teeth?” Lup asked, grinning. “To eat little dwarf boys like you!”

Mookie squealed in delight as Lup chomped her teeth at him and waggled her fingers at him.

“Are you sure this is safe?” asked the girl, who Julia understood to be called Mavis. She gestured to the fact that she was sitting in Julia’s lap, the belt drawn over both of them. “I read in school, a wagon crash going even 15 miles an hour can result in serious injuries with improper buckling techniques.”

“We’re not in a wagon, honey, we’re in a, uh…”

“Cannonball?” Hurley offered, pulling back a lever to activate the ascension balloon. “A high speed skycraft.”

“ _ Mom _ ,” Mavis called nervously as the pod began to rise. Julia offered her hands, which Mavis took warily. Her own hands were barely bigger than the pads of Julia’s thumbs. 

“You’re gonna be okay,” Julia reassured her. Mavis squeezed her fingers and took a deep breath. 

“So where are we headed, Hurley?” asked Lup. “Where’s the secret base of some secret organization?”

Hurley laughed a little, “Uhh, you’ll never expect it.”

And rather than propel forward at a certain point as it had done before, the pod continued to rise further up. They watched Neverwinter from above, and the perfect circle of black glass at the northwest outskirts. The city itself was largely unharmed, which was incredibly lucky. 

It was kind of cool, actually, to be in this pod. Julia had never been so close to the sky, and it was like if she reached her hand out, she could touch the moon. 

Wait.

That moon was definitely a lot closer than it should be. Just knowing basic space knowledge, that moon was not in the right place.

“ _ Whaaaat _ !” Lup gasped as one of the craters retracted like a portcullis. Even Hekuba’s jaw dropped as they entered the space revealed by this doorway. There was the loud whir of machinery, and the feeling of their stomachs turning as the pod rolled down a dark chamber. And thankfully, their darkvision let them see what happened next.

Hurley turned around in her seat, gesturing over her shoulder with a smug smile. “For the record?  _ This _ is the spaceship. Welcome to the home base.”

And then there was light as their pod surfaced into the base proper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thus ends the first arc of our adventure! hopefully it's a good starting point for the rest of what i have planned.
> 
> important rolls: lup and hekuba rolled under a 10 to end up disoriented in the cannonball crash, while julia rolled a 15. hurley rolled a 3 with disadvantage cause homegirl didn't buckle up. julia rolled an 18 to persuade gundren to give her the gauntlet, but gundren rolled a nat20 to resist. this could have ended very differently. julia rolled a 9 against the gauntlet's thrall, and the gauntlet got a 17. lup had advantage, and tied with the gauntlet to take it. victory goes to the runner.
> 
> i know the relics all kind of sound like one joe peschi-esque asshole, but what if they sounded like the person who made them? wouldn't that be neat?
> 
> and i know clint goofed that elizabeth was hurley's first name, but like......... i really like it.....
> 
> finally, i got myself a candlenights gift and picked up a new DM book with enhanced background and character creation aspects, new subclasses, new perks, new charts and tables! i saw those tables and knew i had to have it. so i'm really going to be fleshing out character sheets with motivations and entanglement and everything.


	8. New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia makes a friend. Lup talks science. Hekuba uses someone's middle name.

Hurley couldn’t stop herself from grinning at the dumbstruck expressions on the faces of the other adventurers (and accompanying two children). Julia had been making a single sound for about thirty seconds, which only grew higher and louder as she took in their surroundings.

The cannonball had risen up through the track, and emerged on a pedestal in the middle of a wide hangar bay. There were dozens of these cannonballs on various other pedestals, and more still were held in racks like pinballs on the side of the table, up and all along the walls of this domed structure. 

Hurley pressed the disengage button to open up the door, and she hopped out. The others were quick to follow. “So? What do you think?”

Julia screamed inarticulately, furiously patting Lup’s shoulders as she pointed out a big spaceport window to see the space beyond.

“That’s about right for the first reaction,” Hurley agreed. 

“Hurley!” shouted a voice across the hangar. An elven woman, round with an oil-stained jumpsuit and bright purple hair, ran over from a control panel nearby. She was wearing big, dark goggles, and had a name-badge that read ANTONIA.

“Yes, ma’am!” Hurley responded with a friendly wave, “Hiii… Sorry again for, ha, crashing your pod.”

“What else would I expect from one of our notorious adrenaline hounds?” Antonia grinned dryly. “You are the  _ worst. _ ” Antonia paused, her ears twitching and swivelling forward. “Who are our new people?”

“Toni, these are ones who helped me recover the… Uh, the, thing.”

Julia held out a hand. “Julia Burnsides! It’s really nice to meet you, Antonia!”

Antonia didn’t acknowledge her hand. Hurley took notice and cleared her throat, gently easing down Julia’s arm.

“Oh, shit, were you trying to-?” Antonia reached her hand out between them, laughing as Julia awkwardly shook it. “Yeah, sorry! Blind as a bat. And the rest of you?”

“Lup, kickass wizard,” said Lup.

“Hekuba Roughridge,” Hekuba said, herding Mavis and Mookie behind her. She didn’t quite trust this yet.

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” Antonia said with a grin.

Hurley said, “Toni designed and built- and repairs- every single one of these transport pods. She’s a real genius.”

“And I have plenty of work to do, thanks to Miss Fast and Furious here,” Antonia snorted. “Just towing that broken pod back here is going to be a twenty-four hour job. If you guys wanted to hang out here while Hurley gets you cleared away, I can show you how I work my magic on  _ another _ one of my pods that she crashed.”

Hurley rolled her eyes fondly and descended down a small staircase off of the landing pad. She left the hangar through a door manned by two guards. Lup was starting to take note of the security around here, sure, but the uniforms? Hot damn. She would look good in one of those, even if blue wasn’t really her color.

“So how are you three feeling?” Antonia asked, kneeling down by an unpopped hatch on the transport pod. “Any nausea, any headaches?”

Julia was a little nauseous, actually. She’d never been on a boat before, but something about this place felt like being seasick. She voiced this concern to Antonia, who made a sympathetic sound.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’ll pass soon enough, there’s just a lot that your body’s trying to acclimate to,” Antonia told her. “I can’t explain too much, but I’ve been in your shoes, too.”

That did help, a little bit. To keep her mind off of her stomach turning, Julia watched Antonia work. Julia was a carpenter, and all of this machinery… Hell,  _ any  _ of this machinery was brand new to her. Still, any craftsman found interest in watching another master at their work, and it really was amazing to see Antonia’s hand prod through wires and over warped metal to straighten it out, her ears twitching and tilting the whole time.

“Druid, right?” Lup asked suddenly. “ _ Heat metal. _ ”

“ _ Heat metal _ , modified versions of  _ stoneshape _ ,” Antonia verified. “Most druids wouldn’t look twice at something like this, but I’ve always liked machinery. It sounds nice.”

“And you designed this whole thing?” Julia asked, taking time to really appreciate the craftsmanship behind the cannonball.

“The cannonball, the firing mechanism, all the math behind it,” Antonia verified. “All peer-reviewed and published in the Neverwinter Mages’ Collegiate.”

“Babe, you and me are gonna talk  _ hella _ magic later,” Lup decided.

“Hey, nerds,” called a voice from the doorway. There was a half-elf woman with long, dark hair and a kickass leather jacket. Lup was starting to feel personally attacked by how many hot people there were on this moon. She’d been kept in the dark for so long. The half-elf gestured them over, and they approached after offering goodbyes to Antonia.

“Director wants me to take you guys to your next stop,” the half-elf said, eyeing them over. “You look capable.”

“Thank you!” Julia said, smiling brightly.

“If Hurley is in trouble, you’d better hope that you’re more capable than I am,” the half-elf threatened. Lup shuddered involuntarily, and Julia nodded very quickly, obediently. Hekuba seemed to be considering how much of a threat this woman really was, and finally shrugged. 

“But if she’s not in trouble, then I guess you’ll have nothing to worry about,” the half-elf continued. She led them out of the hangar, and it was like she’d been up here for so long that she wasn’t even phased by how incredible the next area was. It was a quad, like there would be at a college campus. There were a few commercial shops and some nice big trees to sit under, but looking up? That was the most incredible part.

Above them, there was the larger primary moon, Selune. Beyond its body was the expanse of space, brighter and bigger it seemed than ever. They could see the arms of the galaxy and the painted shimmer of the nebula. Mavis and Mookie pointed out constellations that Lup was unfamiliar with, but it had been decades since she’d been on the road charting stars. Julia thought, for a moment, of Raven’s Roost. It was so far from big cities and situated up on top of spires and cliffs. Once, she thought it had the best view she’d ever seen. Now she wasn’t quite so sure.

“Are we going, or are you going to stargaze for a while?” asked the half-elf, smirking knowingly. “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

“How does this work?” Lup found herself asking. “So, we’re  _ on _ the moon. But it’s also a spaceship, Hurley said?”

The half-elf shrugged one shoulder. “How about we explain it to you when you can understand it? Come on.”

She guided them down a cobbled path through the quad. There were a lot of glass domes here, Hekuba noticed, and a lot of repeated imagery. On the banners that ran down the walls, on the silver gauntlets that everyone inexplicably seemed to wear as some sort of fashion trend, on the right breast of their blue uniform, there was the same symbol. 

A dome at the east end of the quad with a large monolith rising into the sky like a beacon seemed to be their destination. The half-elf pressed her bracer to the door, which opened at her command. Within, at least a dozen of guards stood at attention and relaxed when she waved them off.

Julia gave Hekuba a concerned look. Something with this much security had to be big. The half-elf and one of the guards both placed their bracers to a column in the middle of the room, upon which a vertical line appeared. The two halves of the column slid apart, revealing an elevator- One of the fancy ones, with actual buttons and lights.

“You all go on ahead,” the half-elf said, “I need to make sure everything’s cool with Hurley. I’ll see you around, okay?”

“Uh, okay? Bye!” Julia called after her. As she left, Julia asked Lup, “Who was she?”

“Nametag said Sloane, so… Sloane. We gotta get your eyes, checked, babe.” Lup stepped into the elevator, calling, “All aboard!”

Mookie darted ahead, slamming his hands down on every button in the elevator. 

“Mookie!” Hekuba scolded. 

“At least this one’s got music,” Julia pointed out. 

From the door across the room, someone went, “Oh, shit- Hold the door!”

Lup pointedly eyed the  _ close door _ button. Julia held the doors open with her hands as a pudgy half-elf man darted in under her arm. He had half a burger hanging from his mouth, and a big bag tucked under his arm. He took notice of them, seemed to debate what to do with his burger before he took it in one hand, and offered his other to shake.

“Hi, uh, I’m Rowan!” He introduced as the doors closed behind them. “You’re the new recruits?”

“We haven’t agreed to anything,” Hekuba denied. Julia shook his hand, as Julia was wont to do.

“Well, this is kind of a one way street,” Rowan said, scratching at his short reddish beard, “That sounds ominous, let me rephrase that. You’re gonna have to do something you can’t undo. Wait, that’s worse, Rowan, stop.”

“Kids,” Hekuba called, Mavis and Mookie falling into line behind her.

“Sorry,” Rowan apologized. “I don’t talk to people a lot.” The elevator dinged as the door opened a floor down to reveal a casual office setting. Rowan looked at it, confused, before noticing the dozen or so lights all lit up on the control panel.

“I smashed all the buttons!” Mookie said, proudly.

Rowan looked at it speechlessly, before going, “You sure did.”

“Gives you more time to explain what the hell’s goin’ on here,” Hekuba decided.

“I don’t know how much I’ll be able to-”

“Yeah, the static, we know,” Lup sighed. “Does that get to go away soon, or?”

“That’s what I’m here for!” Rowan perked up. “I’m, uh, basically the guy responsible for getting everyone inoculated. You’ll be able to understand everything in just a few minutes here, I promise.”

“Inoculated, again, sounds very ominous,” Lup pointed out.

“Yeah, it’s- Everything sounds really creepy until we can explain more.” Rowan took a bite of his burger to fill the silence. After a second, he asked, “So… You really found a  █████? Uh, sorry, magic item?”

“Got it in my bag,” Lup confirmed.

“What was it like? I mean, I know what it’s like, but… This is the first time we’ve ever gotten one.”

“Really?” Julia asked. “Hurley seemed so confident. You guys do have a plan for what to do with them, right?”

“Yeah!” Rowan answered quickly. “I mean… I think so. We have a whole █████████.”

“Static,” said the three adventurers.

“Dang,” Rowan sighed. “Thought that one would get through. Well, don’t worry about it.” 

The elevator dinged as it reached the bottom floor. There was a small room- Again, manned by many guards, but Rowan walked comfortably as he fished a ring of keys from his belt. He inserted one into the lock on the door and placed his bracer on another segment, and the door clicked open. He pushed it open with his shoulder, showcasing the room beyond as they stepped through.

Once, when Lup was a little kid, she snuck into an aquarium to see the sharks. She remembered one room that was wall-to-wall glass with only water above her and all around her, and she remembered feeling small and only a little bit scared, but mostly in awe. As she looked around the glass walls and ceiling of this massive tank, she felt her jaw drop. Rowan stepped over to a large raised pool in the middle of the room which resembled a touch tank, but it looked like it was connected to the rest of the enclosure.

“It’s magic,” Rowan explained, watching Lup try to deduce how this worked. “Scientifically speaking, this room should be flooded.” He sat at the edge of the water, letting his hand rest on the surface. 

Hekuba thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye, and when she turned, she could barely make out a massive shape in the water. Instinctively, she pulled Mavis and Mookie away from the glass. Mookie whined.

“Is this just a chill relaxation scuba tank, or like… Where are the fish?” Lup asked. Rowan laughed like it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

Julia walked a long line with her hand on the wall, looking into the water beyond. It was bright, yet there was no sun to shine down into the tank. There were no artificial lights inside, either, but Julia just couldn’t tell where the light was coming from. 

Rowan uncorked a thermos from his hip and dipped it down into the water. He reached it out to Lup. “Drink this.”

“Uh, no?” Lup responded. “Why should I?”

Rowan opened the bag he’d been carrying, and pulled out a sheet of paper. He wrote something down, and handed it off to Lup. “What’s it say?”

Lup squinted. Rowan had very bad handwriting, but she read out loud, “You’re thirty-five years old.”

“Now put the paper in the tank.” 

Lup stepped forward carefully, dropping the sheet of paper into the water. There was a ripple as something that Lup couldn’t discern swam very quickly to the edge of the pool, and the parchment disappeared beneath the surface. It was too bright here to tell what was there.

“What did the paper say?” asked Rowan, watching her with amusement.

“What kind of bullshit question is that, it said…” Lup paused. She couldn’t remember what the paper said. She saw Rowan write, she knows he handed it off to her, but whatever it was, it was gone now. 

Rowan spoke, but Lup only heard static. She grabbed the thermos from his hands and took a deep swig.

She sputtered, coughing out  what tasted like pure saltwater. “Oh, you asshole! What kind of trick is… Is….”

Lup’s head spun, and she staggered to her knees. Julia turned suddenly at that, charging at Rowan with her axe drawn. He yelped, holding up his hands. “She’s okay! I didn’t do anything! This is part of the process!”

Lup held up a hand to calm her friend, the other hand holding her forehead. She remembered bits and pieces. She remembered the piece of paper in the water, with Rowan’s age written on it clear as day. She remembered Hurley, in the cave, asking if they were there for the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, and the Motivator asking if they worked for the Bureau of Balance. 

She remembered a war fought over these magic items, these Grand Relics. Nothing specific- She’d heard of them, sure, but mostly she remembered the chaos of those days as people scrambled for the power of these items. 

And in the pool where Rowan was perched, his hand resting delicately on its head like a person with their pet dog, was an incredibly large golden fish, which glowed from within with a light like the sun. It was easily the size of an orca, and Rowan was just petting its head like it was a normal thing to do.

“Lup? You okay?” Hekuba asked.

Lup laughed nervously, “Whaaat the fuck?”

“What?” Julia asked.

Wordlessly, Lup held out the thermos. And one after another, every person in this room remembered. As much as they could, anyway- Mavis and Mookie were too young to know what it was like in those days, but when each of them were done, Rowan smiled. And this time, it didn’t seem ominous.

“Now do you see why it’s hard to explain?” he asked, patting the fish’s head again.

“What… Is it?” Julia asked, leaning in close to get a good look. One of the fish’s whiskers reached out of the water toward her, but Rowan caught it.

“Buddy, you can’t touch people without asking them first,” he said as though scolding a child. To the three adventurers and company, Rowan explained, “We don’t really know what it is, but we call it the voidfish.”

“Wouldn’t sunfish be more accurate?” Julia asked.

“Well, no, because a sunfish is another kind of fish entirely,” Rowan explained. “It’s like a big shitty paperweight. Don’t get me started on those things. No, we call it the voidfish because it just kind of… Eats information that is fed to it. Like the Relic War, or what we do. I should probably clarify who we are, uh, we are-”

“The Bureau of Balance,” Julia said. “You want to recover and destroy the Grand Relics. That’s what Hurley said.”

“That’s right. You didn’t even need me!” Rowan grinned. “So long story short, I’m the guy who keeps an eye on the voidfish and makes sure it’s happy and safe.”

“And you feel comfortable, sitting a foot away from something that could eat you and erase you from existence?” Hekuba asked warily.

“I’m a ranger,” Rowan explained. “Normally people in my line of work bond with hawks or bears, but the voidfish is my friend. It’s not dangerous- It’s actually very smart! Buddy, where’s your ball? Do you wanna play with your ball?”

The fish swam down into the main tank, where there were clearly very large toys and plants and things to keep it busy. This fish was very well-cared for, and Julia could tell that the people in this place loved it a lot. They watched for a few minutes as this fish swam freely through hoops, and weaved through growths of kelp and brought shiny rocks up to the glass to show them off. It looked happy, Julia thought.

The room echoed with a short song, and Rowan beamed. “It’s really glad to meet all of you!”

“Aw,” Lup said.

The door behind them opened, a man in cleric’s robes and a large manila folder in his hands stepping through. He handed it off to Rowan, who flipped through it and sighed. On the first page, Julia noticed a picture of that Brad guy.

“Alright, well, time to feed him,” Rowan said. “Y’all should head on up to meet the Director. He’s kind of impatient, you shouldn’t keep him waiting.”

“Can we come back and say hi after?” Julia asked.

“You’re really not supposed to be down here if you don’t have clearance,” Rowan told her, and stammered as she frowned. “But I won’t tell anyone! I think he likes the company.”

“C’mon, kids,” Hekuba called, already headed out the door to the guard hall. She sighed as Mookie raced ahead. “Michael Longwinter Highchurch, don’t you touch those buttons!”

Mookie obediently fell behind.

The five of them crammed back into the elevator, and stepped out onto the quad again.

“Shit,” Lup swore, smacking her forehead. “Did anyone ask where the Director’s at?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit a double event. i'm really working on these bad boys. i originally planned to condense all of moonlighting into a single chapter, and then i looked at my 7 pages and went, "yeahhhh, no" because i still have the initiation, fantasy gachapon, and fantasy costco. gachapon and costco might be a shorter chapter, i think. not a lot of content there. or i might post the levelled up character sheets to help bulk it up? i haven't decided yet.
> 
> important rolls: not many, this is a lunar interlude. lup rolled a 17 arcana check on antonia to determine what kind of magic she uses. she uses a type of druidcraft, combined with some of the skills from the unofficial wotc artificer handbook. sloane rolled a 19 intimidate against the party. hekuba was not as frightened because she also has proficiency in intimidation.
> 
> i knew right away that i wanted to use antonia and rowan for something, because i loved the felicity wild crew. rowan, i thought, was a perfect match for avi, but his status as a ranger could be used to parallel johann's bard skills. i finally decided that antonia is the perfect friendly face to greet them, and then i wanted to think about how she could serve the bureau. i think she uses a sort of qi-based blindsight (essentially aura reading) to 'see' cause i looooove that fantasy metaphysics shit. also antonia, rowan, and artemis sterling are all half/step-siblings, griffin mcelroy can pry that from my cold dead fingers
> 
> mookie's middle name, 'longwinter', is a reference not only to the fantasy-ass middle name of merle hitower highchurch, but also to jonathan roderick and the long winters, who do the intro/outro to mbmbam.
> 
> and finally, happy candlenights, everybody! here's some non-roleswap twins, enjoying their first candlenights together after story and song.   
> http://crunchmaster-supreme.tumblr.com/post/168931538439/yall-ever-think-about-how-using-the-canonical


	9. Orientation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia sees through lies. Lup misses. Hekuba makes kebabs.

After a minute of searching and asking around, a nice human man pointed them in the direction of the largest and grandest dome on the campus. In hindsight, Lup thought, it should have been obvious. This dome had clouded glass and brilliant silver joints that ran beneath the glass to keep it held up. There were two massive wooden doors, both propped open to reveal the interior.

Inside the dome, there was spotless white tile and a deep blue rug that trailed down the center, all the way to the end of the room. It was lined with guards the whole way. There was a stairway with a large statue posted in the middle of the aisle which led up to a pedestal, but there was no throne or podium from which to speak. Instead, standing at the top of the stairs, was a rather small gnomish man.

His tanned skin was worn with age, his hair was more silver than red, and he used a large white oak walking-stick to keep himself standing straight. He wasn’t paying them any mind, though- He was currently in a conversation with Hurley.

As they approached, they could hear him saying, “That was incredibly dangerous. Don’t mistake me, Hurley, I’m glad that you’re alright and that Neverwinter is still standing, but you are a Regulator. You aren’t trained to hunt down the relics, you’re trained to apprehend the people that fail to.”

“But, sir-” Hurley started to argue.

“You don’t need to argue with me,” the gnomish man sighed. “I know you did what you had to. Just remember your training in the future. Next time you have any indication that someone is hunting a relic, like Gundren- Do what you need to do to get him back to one of our facilities. No more thrill seeking.”

Hurley sighed. Julia could hear the pout in her voice. “Yes, Director.”

The Director looked up briefly, catching the three of them with an intense stare. Lup felt actually very intimidated. The man smiled, however briefly, and made his way down the steps toward Hurley. He patted her on the shoulder with one hand and said, “You’re free to go, Hurley.”

“Thank you, sir,” Hurley gave a quick bow and turned on her heel. She smiled warmly at the lot of them as she passed. Julia waved excitedly after her, but jumped to attention when the gnomish man cleared his throat. He seemed almost amused, his tail swishing back and forth.

“It’s good to see you,” he said, before seemingly switching modes. “Welcome to the Bureau of Balance. You’ve done some good work today.”

“Funnily enough, it doesn’t feel that great,” Lup said, shrugging one shoulder.

“Our friend died,” Julia pointed out.

“My kids’ home was destroyed,” Hekuba added flatly. 

“Yeah, and an entire city fucking almost burned,” Lup laughed hysterically, “So, like, how’s your day? Pretty bad it seems!”

The Director sighed, tapping his fingers against his walking-stick. “Lup, do you remember how many people this gauntlet killed during the Relic Wars?”

“Twelve thousand, five hundred ninety four,” Lup intoned. She paused. “I don’t know why I remember  _ that _ , but…”

“It must have been important to you,” Julia said.

“I guess I just like numbers,” Lup offered. “So, thirteen thousand people got burned up.”

“Do you know the last time this relic was used, before today?”

“Uh… No, can’t say I do.”

“More than a decade ago,” the Director informed her. “From what Hurley told me, the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet was hidden in a cave sealed by a blood-lock. All of that damage that the relic caused, it caused within a year or two. We are so  _ incredibly  _ lucky that you managed to recover it when you did.”

Lup gave Julia a quick look, one that said  _ work your magic. _ Julia took a second to look the gnomish man over. She wasn’t a master of gnomish body language, but Raven’s Roost did have a high gnomish population. She could recognize the twitch in his tail as anxiety, but it was hard to tell just what he might be anxious about. Julia shrugged, uncertain, but slowly nodded her head. He seemed like he was being honest.

“Alright,” Lup said, trusting Julia’s instincts. “How do I know when I hand the bad boy over to you, that you aren’t going to go all Fireball on us?”

“The relics overpower those with weaker will,” the Director explained. “And that’s not a statement against you, Julia, Hurley told me what happened. These things are tricky and know what you want, even if you don’t know you do.”

“And do you?” Julia asked, nervously rubbing her fingers together. “Want anything that this thing can exploit. Because I didn’t think I did.”

He laughed, a short and rough sound. “The only thing I want is that thing gone, I can assure you.”

Lup swallowed, a bitter taste in her mouth. The last thing she wanted was for someone bad to get their hands on this thing, but she trusted Julia, and Julia trusted the Director. Lup started to open the flap on her bag, stopping when the gnomish man reached out and held it shut. 

“Follow me,” he said, guiding them to one of the far walls, which was drawn over with a curtain. With a firm tug of a rope, the curtains parted to reveal a pristine white chamber with a viewport to see inside, and a heavy metal door that led in. “This is where it happens.”

One of the guards from the patrol line stepped away from his post, and disappeared into a doorway that fed beneath the stairway. When he re-emerged, it was in a hazmat-type suit, with a heavy looking cart that had a metal sphere on top of it. He unscrewed the top of the sphere and waited.

“Put the relic in there,” the Director said. Lup did so, watching as the guard sealed the glove into the orb, and quickly kicked the cart into the white chamber beyond the window, throwing the door shut as he struggled to fight the thrall.

“Oh, shit, that thing’s no joke,” the guard whispered.

Lup raised an eyebrow, leaning against the glass. She focused on the glove, straining her ears to try and hear its voice in her head.

_ Well, uh, this is… Not ideal, _ the glove was saying, its voice muffled. _ So, what, like I just stay in here forever? Not a fan of it. A little cramped, for my tastes. _

The Director tapped his walking-stick against the glass a few times, presumably to signal someone to begin the process. All around the room, pinpricks of light appeared and the ball rose up off of the ground. Lup covered her ears as the light skewered through the metal ball, and the glove  _ screamed. _ It only lasted for a second before the Director mercifully cast a  _ silence _ spell, and he swallowed heavily as he watched the process. 

“It’s not… Alive, is it? The glove?” Julia asked.

“No,” he answered. “It’s a magic item. It doesn’t have a soul, it’s not a person.”

“And even if it was, it killed a shit-ton of people,” Lup reminded Julia. “You don’t give mercy to things like that.”

“I know,” Julia said quietly. “Just feel bad.”

“You’ve done something incredible,” the Director reminded her. “I don’t want you to regret that. You’re saving a lot of lives, Julia.”

Inside the chamber, the light faded and the ball hit the ground. The gard hesitantly went back inside to recover the cart, bringing it before the Director, who unscrewed the capsule and revealed it to be empty.

Lup reached her hand inside of the capsule, rubbing her fingers alongside the interior lining. They came back coated in soot.

“Don’t,” Hekuba ordered as Lup, ever the wizard, lifted her soot-coated fingers up to her mouth. Lup whined, wiping her hands on her jeans.

“Alright,” the Director said, clapping his hands together in front of his chest with a wide smile. “Who wants to get paid?”

“Oh, fuck, we get money for this?” Lup asked.

“We’re a magical organization with a high turnover rate. You’re going to get paid very well,” he agreed. He walked over to the statue at the front of the staircase, patting his hand against the statue’s head. That was when it opened its eyes and pressed its head forward into the action, a purr building in the throat of this person who had been stationed there, motionless. 

Julia jumped back, startled by the movement. As the person rose to their feet, Julia found herself having to crane her neck to look _up._ Julia had never met a tiefling before. They were rare, and, from what she understood, had just as bad a reputation as orcs did. And Julia hated to think it, but the way that this tiefling stared right through her- It was _creepy._ _She_ was _creepy._ The short horns, the sturdy tail with the bladed tip, all of it screamed _danger_ to Julia.

“Troth, could you please go into my office and bring me the three bags on my desk?” the Director asked the woman. 

The tiefling woman did not respond, but she walked to a door to the left of the stairway. Julia let out a breath she’d been holding. She wasn’t used to feeling so much smaller.

“You don’t need to be afraid of her,” the Director said.

“I’m not scared,” Julia scoffed.

“And  _ I’m  _ not blind,” the Director responded. “She’s… My daughter. I’ve been taking care of her for a long time. She needs help sometimes, but she’s not a danger to you.”

“What happened?” Hekuba asked, staring after the door. 

“An accident,” said the Director. He looked deeply uncomfortable, and Hekuba decided not to push it any further. If something had happened to Mavis or Mookie, she wouldn’t want to talk about it, either.

Troth returned from the room beside the stairs, the Director’s office, with a coffee tray with three large bags balanced on it. She returned to him, and seemed uncertain what to do next.

“Thank you for your help,” he praised her. “Julia, Lup, Hekuba, this is your payment for destroying the gauntlet. 600 gold, each. Troth, can you make sure that they each get one?”

Lup choked on air, her eyes wide as dinner plates. She reached out and cradled the bag of gold to her chest like a precious newborn child. Julia and Hekuba seemed less visibly excited in theirs, but 600 gold was still a  _ lot _ of money. 

“I know it’s not much-” the Director started, and Lup laughed, a little manic. He continued, “Not much given what you had to go through, but… If you’re interested, I’m in the market for three Reclaimers.”

“For three what now?” asked Hekuba.

“Reclaimers. My organization runs on three tiers: The Seekers, who discover information regarding the relics’ locations. The Reclaimers, who go in and recover the relics to bring them back to us. The Regulators, who hunt down and apprehend individuals who are corrupted by the thrall of the relics.”

“That’s the one Hurley is,” Julia said. “Can I be that one?”

“You’d be better suited to being a reclaimer, trust me,” the Director said. “The three of you seem immune- or at the very least,  _ resistant-  _ to the thrall. You are the only three people to ever succeed in bringing one of these relics back.”

“Wait,” Lup held up a hand. “How long have you been doing this?”

“A year or so,” the Director said. “We couldn’t do much until we discovered the voidfish, and what it could do. The moonbase, the voidfish, Antonia’s inventions. We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without all of those things.”

“And that relic is… The first one you’ve recovered,” Lup continued.

“That is correct,” he agreed. His nose twitched, and he tapped his foot for a second before continuing, “I’m not offering you this job because I think you’d be good at it, I’m offering it because I think you might be the only ones who can do it.”

“You get that, like, we’re disasters, right?” Lup pointed out. “Gundren only got the glove cause we were distracted.”

“With the people I’ve hired already?” the Director said, laughing. “I wouldn’t expect anything else.”

“What’s your health plan? Insurance? Mookie has asthma and Mavis needs an eye exam soon,” Hekuba asked.

“Uh,” started the Director. He took stock of the two dwarvish children. “I’ll make some adjustments. This base isn’t… Rated for children, but I’ll start on it right away.”

“What about legal protection?” Lup asked. “For, uh, reasons.”

“If it’s that bad, we can always just. Feed a record to the voidfish?” the Director suggested.

“Hot damn,” Lup exhaled. “Can that thing eat student debt? Sixty years of college was a real pocket-drainer.”

“No, that actually gives it indigestion,” he said. It seemed like he was joking. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“I do have a question,” Julia started. “Who made the relics? I don’t remember that part.”

“That’s a great question,” the Director praised. “Here’s what we’ll do: If you pass the test of initiation, I’ll tell you everything you need to know. I need to know you’re serious about this before I can give out that kind of information.’

“Is it a written test?” Lup whined.

“Can I copy Lup?” Julia begged.

“You can try, but your part of the test won’t be the same,” the gnome said with a smirk. “No, I need you to answer these questions: Which one of you is the smartest? Which one of you is the bravest? And which one of you is the strongest?”

The three took a moment to confer. 

“I mean, I’m sure as hell not the bravest,” Lup said. “I think I’m the smartest.”

“Fair,” Julia agreed. “Hekuba, you’re like, crazy strong.”

“Stronger than you, though?” Lup countered.

Hekuba scoffed, “Yeah. Julia’s brave, no doubt.”

“Thank you!” Julia said, beaming.

They turned back to the Director, who was watching with his tail swaying. “Are those your final decisions? Julia is the bravest, Hekuba is the strongest, and Lup is the smartest?”

“Yes?” Julia confirmed, eyeing her party. “Yeah? Yes.”

“Good to hear,” said the DIrector. He lifted up the end of his walking-stick and brought it down on the ground. The effects of a  _ sleep _ spell were instantaneous.

 

* * *

 

 

Of course, that meant the effects of waking up from a sleep spell would also take roughly the same amount of time. The three adventurers woke, all at the same time, in different places. 

Julia woke up in the middle of a gladiator’s arena, her back up against a stone column. There were three iron-lattice gates, roughly equidistant from one another, that would open to release some sort of threat into the arena.

Lup woke up strapped into a chair, secluded in an alcove roughly twenty feet above the arena. From where she was seated, she could see across the entire arena and into the audience stands surrounding it. It was packed to the brim with people wearing blue and white uniforms. Lup was, of course, a performer, but it had been some time since she’d had a crowd like this. She ran her hands over the joystick controls of the chair she was strapped to, taking note of the whole rig. 

And when Hekuba woke up, she was on the clean white floor of a hallway suspended by a bridge over the arena, also about twenty feet up. She was right next to a button on a pedestal, and on either side of the hallway was a latticework door, just like the doors inside of the arena proper. 

There was the sound of a microphone giving feedback, before the Director’s voice came through over an intercom.

“Welcome to the test,” he said. “Your goal is easy. Julia, the doors around you will open and let three ogres into the arena. Each ogre has a gem somewhere on their person, which you will want to try and recover. Every gem that you recover will give Lup more ammunition to help you. You don’t want to try and fight them, but if things do get rough, you have a  _ potion of invisibility _ in your front pocket.

Lup, your rig is equipped with potions of healing, enhancing, harming, and targeting. You only have one of each, which is why you want Julia to get those gems. It’s up to you to use them however you want, but I trust you can figure something out.

And Hekuba, in your room, there’s a button. If that button gets pressed, it’s going to zap the hell out of your friends and they’re gonna get stunned. There’s also gonna be enemies coming through those doors, and all they want to do is press that button.

Your goal is to defeat all three ogres. Everyone clear on the rules?”

“Uh,” Lup said. 

“Go!” yelled the Director. A buzzer sounded as all across the various sections of the arena, five lattice doors opened. Three ogres of various size and color meandered into the gladiator’s area, while Hekuba’s two doors opened to reveal two thin, wiry clockwork automatons. They chittered excitedly at the sight of the button.

“Buddy, I don’t think so,” Hekuba growled, bolstering her place at the button. One of the robots could easily reach over her, but they'd have to get  _ through  _ her, first. To the left, she held her shield and waited for an opening. To the right, she loosed a javelin, which buried itself deep in the fragile core of an automaton. It squealed as it registered the damage, and its frame collapsed. One down.

Julia eyed her opponents: A smaller blue ogre, a larger red ogre, and a green one that was about in the middle. She could very clearly see that the blue ogre had a gem strapped to its head and the green one had a gem around its neck, but the red one was wearing a fisherman’s jacket with a number of pockets. And while Julia had been having very bad rogue’s luck lately, she was still a practiced thief. 

She crept toward the red ogre, focusing on every movement that she made. When she was close enough, she took a quick look at the pockets of the jacket. Most of them were closed, but one on the front breast pocket caught her attention. Unfastened. And Julia, the bravest, did something truly reckless, and hopped on the ogre’s back.

“What the hell,” Hekuba said, shaking her head as she watched.

Julia deftly slipped her fingers into the ogre’s pockets and drew from it a sparkling red crystal, which disappeared from her fingers. Julia, knowing that she’d done a part of her job, did what only a rogue could and  _ booked it the hell out of there _ . By the time the ogre turned around to investigate what it had felt, Julia was on the opposite side of the pillar with her back up against the stone.

Lup laughed in disbelief, and lined up the sights of the rig with the red ogre. Her plan was to volley off a  _ potion of targeting _ on the red boy, then a  _ potion of enhancing _ on one of his brothers and just have his brothers take him out. She pressed down on the firing mechanism, and watched in abject horror as the  _ potion of targeting _ fell loosely from the machine and cracked at the ground below her rig.

She couldn’t see him, but in his spectator’s box, the Director put his head in his hands and groaned. 

The ogres lifted their heads, sniffing loudly as whatever was in the  _ potion of targeting _ drew their attention. Lup felt her stomach drop as three ogres, spread throughout the arena, all turned their heads towards her. 

“You know what?” she said to herself, switching the chamber to the potion of harming. “This seems about right for the day I’m having. Go fuck yourself, dude.”

She held down on the firing mechanism this time, and shot a  _ potion of harming _ at the green ogre. It was a near-miss, landing just a foot or two in front of it. If she survived this, she’d be sure to take a refresher course on just, like, basic maths.

_ If _ , being the keyword. The three ogres shambled toward Lup, brushing just past Julia’s hiding spot. 

“What?” Lup asked them, “What’s your, uh, your end-game here?” She was twenty feet up, in a very narrow alcove. It’d take some doing to get up to her.

But it was some doing that the ogres seemed willing to do. They scrambled over each other, human-ladder style to try and climb up to her. For the moment it was uncoordinated and unsuccessful, but that didn’t make Lup’s heart beat any less frantically against her ribs.

Hekuba was so intently watching this scene unfold that she almost didn’t notice the metallic arm reach over her head toward the button. She turned, ramming her shield directly into the body of the other automaton. Its body folded in half and it screeched.

“Not so hard,” Hekuba said, noticing only when she looked up that both of the doors had opened, letting loose another set of automatons. “Oh, son of a bastard.”

In the arena, Julia looked for anything she could do to help Lup. She grit her teeth. The Director said not to engage the ogres, but Julia wasn’t great at following directions. She unsheathed two daggers form her belt and ran in, using her position from the shadows to surprise the little blue ogre, and Julia buried them in deep.

The ogre howled as she dragged her daggers down the flesh of its back, and Julia spat green blood out of her mouth. Or- She thought she did? She ran one hand over her face, smearing the greenish blood there. Her hand came back dry, but she could clearly see the coloration there. She only had a second to consider that before she forced herself back, out of the ogre’s range. She looked up at Lup, who the red ogre had gotten precariously close to.

“Lup, jump!” She shouted. “I’ll catch you this time, I promise!”

“Give me a second,” Lup growled through gritted teeth. She only had one  _ potion of harming _ left, and the second the red ogre poked his head over the ridge and into Lup’s space, she fired. The glass shattered, acid splattering over the ogre’s skin. It roared after her, sputtering when her second potion, the other  _ potion of targeting _ also met its mark. 

Lup wrenched her dagger from its resting place at her hip and sawed at the straps keeping her bound to the rig, but it was just taking too long. The red ogre reached its hand into the rig and closed its hand around Lup’s body. She closed her eyes-

And she was somewhere else. She opened her eyes, finding everything greyscale and feeling kind of heavy, like moving underwater. She was still in the rig, but she was kind of layered over it. Just the same, she was not in the ogre’s hand, and she could see it look at its hand as it realized she was gone.

“Holy shit,” she said, her voice echoing in this space. “Did I just  _ blink? _ ”

That was a third-level spell, she shouldn’t have been able to cast that. 

“I mean, whatever,” she said to herself, testing the limits of the spell. She took a step forward, onto the open air. Then another- She was standing in the space directly above the ogre, the planespace and lack of dimensions keeping her stood just so. “Oh, my god, this  _ rules _ .”

She walked until she was stood directly over Julia, tilting her head as she looked down. “Okay. How do I… Stop?”

There was a pop, and Lup fell.

True to her word, Julia caught her this time. A few seconds later, Lup’s hat floated gently back down into her lap.

“How did you  _ do _ that?” Julia asked, looking between Lup and the red ogre, who was still all the way up the wall searching for her.

Lup looked at the hat. The blue stone on the ribbon lost its shine, failing to reflect even the lights from above. Lup gave the only explanation she could. “Magic hat.”

Julia set her down, plopping the hat back on her head. “Cool! But you know we’re at a disadvantage now, right? Your cannon really helped us out.”

“Know what else is gonna help out? You having back-up.” Lup drew her umbrella, pointing it toward the ogres.

The blue ogre, Julia’s daggers still buried in its back, was the first to make a grab at its red brother. The green one followed quickly, both of them fueled by the pheromones in the  _ potion of targeting _ . It turned Julia’s stomach to see how quickly the red ogre went from angry and vital to completely motionless. 

On the bridge with the two automatons, Hekuba swore and launched another javelin clear across the room. A second construct joined a skewered brother on the ground, while its sibling behind Hekuba cried out. It raised its hand, a small crossbow emerging from its fingertip. Its aim struck true, and Hekuba found herself grasping at a thin bolt buried deep into her dented and crushed chest armor.  _ Oh _ , that was bad. 

“You know how I said not to be reckless?” Julia asked Lup, down in the arena.

“You have never once give me that talk.”

“I’m not about to,” Julia said, spinning her daggers. “Let’s get reckless.”

Blue and Green were still distracted with the body of their fallen brother, not yet come to their senses. Julia didn’t plan on letting them get that far. She charged, using the daggers in the blue ogre’s back as a foothold to give her some height over the ogre. She hefted her axe over her head, and brought it down hard.

A second, heavy splatter of green blood over her skin verified Julia’s theory: This wasn’t real. Or at the very least, these ogres weren’t  _ actually _ ogres. She shouted over her shoulder, “Lup! Do these things feel magic to you?”

“Uh…” Lup concentrated. “Yeah, kind of. Like illusion magic… I don’t know, Jules, they look pretty real to me.”

“Trust me on this,” Julia called. She stood motionless as the green ogre took notice of its second fallen sibling, and charged her. She felt a pressure, for just a minute, and then it passed right through her.

Lup nodded. Illusion magic was tricky. An illusory fire still felt as hot as a real one, and it might burn like one and hurt like one, too. But illusion magic derived its power from belief, and once there was even a hint of doubt, the magic failed to hold. The green ogre faded like dust in the wind, and a second buzzer sounded.

The cheering from the audience seemed to shake the very stadium as another illusion faded, revealing a remarkably plain sparring arena. Hekuba rubbed at the spot in her chest where an illusory crossbow bolt had been just moments before. People crowded them, offering congratulations and asking questions.

Across the room, standing in the spectator’s box, the Director smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loooooooooong boy. long chapter. by the time they finished asking questions, i was already at page 4 like "AHHH". we still have another part of the lunar interlude to make up for, but i don't expect that'll be a lot of content so much as some character sheet additions? future lunar interludes will be a lot easier since they're one-offs, but since moonlighting was a 3pt, i have to stick true to form.
> 
> so, davenport has taken the role of lucretia vis a vis being the director of the bureau (though, i do have a few more tricks up my sleeve), and uh, if y'all thought i wasn't going to find a way to include the love of my life troth of eldath y'all better think again. when i came to the realization that i would use troth, i actually got out my bed at 2 am and just took notes.
> 
> and since i'm in love with troth, [here](https://78.media.tumblr.com/5ecd54e9d06ce2035c156b32a209703b/tumblr_p1lrptEYLz1r2vneyo1_540.png) is how she looks in this story, with Added Moon Symbolism. her nose/ears/horns are inspired by gulabi goats, which i think are just wonderful creatures.  
> (I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THE LINK THING)


	10. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia carries some groceries. Lup bullies a man. Hekuba pretends to not know how technology works.

Hurley, Lup learned, was a very physical person. She jumped as the halfling woman slapped her roughly on the shoulder with a wide grin, then crowded her in a tight hug around her hips. It was unsettling to be lifted off the ground by someone so much smaller.

“You did great!” Hurley praised, setting Lup down before moving on to Hekuba, who groaned awkwardly into the contact. “I’ve never seen anything quite like that before.”

“We’re pretty great,” Lup preened, “What, how’d you solve it?”

“With punches, mostly,” said Hurley. 

“That was rad,” added Sloane who came up form the side, blowing dark hair out of her eyes. “That trick with the teleportation? Amazing. I just used  _ entanglement _ and fired off potshots.”

“It  _ was  _ remarkable,” said the Director, the crowd dispersing almost immediately with his presence. The tiefling woman at his side-  _ Trough? Thoth?- _ Looked around anxiously, her tail swishing as she looked over the crowd. She held a leather case in her hand. The Director eyed the three of them over. “An untraditional approach to a pretty standard puzzle.”

“Hey, I did my part,” huffed Hekuba. She grunted as Mavis and Mookie, who had been alongside the Director, rushed her with hugs.

“I stole!” Julia added.

“Admittedly, my part of the plan went, uh,  _ not  _ ideal,” Lup chittered awkwardly, “But I think wizard-warping away from danger was a pretty fuckin’ sweet idea. Glad my hat came up with it.”

The Director blinked a few times. “Sorry, your what?”

“My hat? Check it.” Lup removed the sunhat from her head, holding it out for the gnome to inspect. He held it in his hands, turning it over. She pointed at the blue stone on the ribbon, which was still dull. “That thing lit up like a Candlenights shrub and then I blinked out of there.”

“Think it’s a magic item?” Julia asked. 

“Not like one of those relics, though, right?” asked Lup. “It’s a sweet hat.”

“It’s not a relic,” the Director finally said, tail twitching. “There would be a powerful thrall, if it was. I don’t know anything about it, but since you're going to be headed down to our artificer’s chambers anyway, there might be something in his books on it.”

“To the whose chambers?” asked Julia.

“Our artificer,” he repeated, handing the hat back to Lup. “Our resident expert on non-relic magical items. You’ll meet him soon enough. For now, though, we need to get you properly outfitted for service. Troth, can you open the case, please?”

The tiefling woman obeyed, taking to a knee and opening the case she’d been carrying. Inside the case, lined like a jewelry box, sat three silver bracers- Identical to the one that Hurley and Rowan wore, and- Upon closer inspection, everyone in the immediate area sported one of these bracers.

“As you’ve noticed, every member of the Bureau wears one of these- Or at least a variation of it,” the Director said, displaying his own silver cufflinks with the Bureau logo- A pair of what appeared to be hourglasses, pressed side to side. “These allow us to track our operatives in the field, and provide transport back to the base after a mission. That same tracking magic works alongside Antonia’s cannons to be as accurate as possible.”

“Like Fantasy Uber,” Julia said.

The Director’s moustache twitched as he seemed to smile. “Quite. Given the sensitive nature of our operations and the risk of agents going rogue, it’s important that I tell you beforehand- Once you put the bracer on, it’s magically sealed. It’s not coming off.”

“I can get out of  _ pretty  _ much anything,” Julia insisted.

“You’re welcome to try, but that bad boy is gonna be on there good,” said the Director. “Go ahead and get it on there. Non-dominant wrist, please.”

Julia and Hekuba put theirs on their left wrists. Lup put hers on the right. As soon as the bracers were clasped shut, there was a flash as a line of light ran up the length of the bracer and soldered it together. Julia gave the metal an experimental tug, and said, “Nope. Not gettin’ out of that one.”

“I  _ did _ warn you,” said the Director, taking note of the now empty arena. “Julia, you asked me an important question before your test.”

“I did?” Julia tried to remember.

“About who created the relics?”

Julia clapped her hands together, grinning. “Yeah! That’s it.”

“Well, you have the clearance to know, and I think it’s important for you to know it now as opposed to when you go out in the field.”

“Are these guys still kickin’ or something?” Hekuba asked.

“I have reason to believe so,” he answered. “ _ Most _ of them are gone- Killed in the fallout they created, or just disappeared afterward. There weren’t many of them. I need to know: Do you remember anything about a- a group of mages in red robes?”

“Awful specific,” said Hekuba. “Can’t say I know anybody like that.”

“Can’t say I do,” Lup lied, thinking about the figure in the depths of Wave Echo Cave. If they had a magic hat, were they a magic user? There  _ was  _ that weird shit after she picked it up. There was no point in bringing it up, Lup decided.

“There was that dead person in the cave,” Julia said, tapping her lips. “The one you got that hat from, Lup. They were  _ real  _ close to a relic, maybe they died trying to get it?”

“It’s a possibility,” said the Director. “These relics are weapons of mass destruction, and the people who created them made them without hesitation.”

“Well, that’s  _ one  _ crazy wizard down,” Julia said with a shrug. “We didn’t even have to do the hard work, he looked like he’d been dead for like a million years.”

“That decomposition would say closer to a decade,” Hekuba corrected. “But do we get a bonus for that?”

“Sadly, I- I didn’t have a contingency plan for one of them being dead. I’d hoped on interrogating them, but… I guess it can’t be helped.” The Director took a breath, tapping his fingers against his walking-stick a few times. “As I mentioned, there weren’t very many of these mages- Less than ten, I’d estimate. They’ve either disappeared off the face of the earth, or- In the case of this one, died. If you do encounter one of these mages in the future-”

“We bring ‘em to you?” Julia asked.

“No,” stressed the Director. “I’d prefer you didn’t get involved. They’re very powerful, and can easily turn you against us. I want you to stay away from them- At least until I have a way to safely combat them.”

“How d’you know so much about this?” Hekuba asked. “None of the three of us remember anything about this. That seems like a pretty big thing to forget, a bunch of crazy wizards.”

“Mages,” the Director corrected, his tail whipping with slight agitation. “Do you  _ really  _ think I’d take on a job like this without doing my research? I’ve devoted my life to this cause, Hekuba. I lost everything because of these relics, and I’m trying to fix it. Fair?”

“Fair,” Hekuba responded flatly. “Anything else we should know about the relics or these red robes, Director?”

He sighed, “Just a little. There are seven relics, and I have Seekers hunting down every available lead on them. Every time you bring a relic back to us, you’ll be paid handsomely. You can spend your coin at the Fantasy Costco here on base-”

“Oh shit,  _ whaaat _ !” Lup laughed, “You don’t even need a membership card? They can’t run  _ this  _ girl out.”

“In addition to that…” the Director said, grinning, “You also get a prize.”

“Ooh!” Julia gasped, clapping her hands eagerly. “What’s the prize?”

The Director reached into a satchel at his hip and pulled three gold coins, each emblazoned with the smiling/frowning dual face of Mask, the trickster god. “We’re a group that destroys magic items, and it would be against our, uh, moral code, I guess- To just give out magic items as prizes for a job well done. But sometimes, we find magical items on our travels, which we give to our artificer to put in the Fantasy Gachapon. Fate gives you the prize, that way.”

“The fantasy what,” Hekuba said.

“Have you never been to a store with like, the little gumball machine that gives you those sticky hands, or like, some fake vampire teeth?” Julia asked. 

“Two hundred years old,” Hekuba reminded her.

“You can’t use that excuse forever, old woman, I’m a hundred and twenty,” Lup pointed out.

“And finally,” The Director interrupted, drawing their attention, “Dormitories have been prepared for you. Admittedly, we still don’t have the accomodation we need for kids, seeing as we’re essentially a college campus on the moon, but seeing as I run the damn thing, I made some adjustments. Normally, I would have bunked the three of you together with a fourth person to make use of every bed in a suite, but-”

“We get  _ rooms _ ?” Lup asked, eyes wide.

“Shared rooms,” stressed the Director, “We don’t have the room for single suites for everyone on the base. I have one set up for you and your family, Hekuba, but Lup, Julia- The two of you will be together with a roommate.”

“We got bunk beds!” Mookie informed his mother, “Mavie and me are gonna make it into a fort!”

“I want a fort,” Lup gasped, grabbing Julia’s arm. “Julia, we’re making a fort.”

“You’ll probably want to run that by your roommate first,” the Director advised. “If that’s all, then I’ll leave you to your own devices. Don’t get in trouble, don’t die. I’ll contact you when it’s time.”

He offered what they assumed to be a salute of sorts- His hand held over his heart with a slight bow- And he turned to leave. The tiefling, Troth, watched them all for a moment before she too turned on her heel and followed.

“So: Fantasy Gachapon, Fantasy Costco, roommate,” Julia said. “I really wanna see those prizes.”

“Natch. Uh, but where the hell are those places?” Lup asked as they left the training dome. The quad looked much more busy now at about mid-day, with dozens of blue-uniformed members strolling across the field, or stepping into the shops. Julia got a feeling that asking people for directions when everything looked the same was going to be the norm. Someone pointed them off toward yet another glass dome, decorated with gold supports and inlaid with magical runes that were just for the aesthetic purpose.

On the ground level, it appeared to be a grand library full of various nerds doing research on magic items. Lup made a note to spend as little time here as possible. A stairway across the room had a sign which advertised itself as ‘Artificer’s Chambers’, which sounded like a step in the right direction. Upon descending the stairs, though, it just looked like more library- Until Julia noticed the giant machine in the back of the room.

It was gold and gaudy, full of capsules of various sizes. On the front, there was a knob and a slot for a coin. Julia bounced excitedly, already rushing in. 

“Now hold on,” called a voice to the right. Up on an incline, overlooking the lower chamber, was a desk piled high with tomes and paperwork. Seated at the desk was an older elvish man, probably middle elvish age, with a thin moustache and a big prismatic bow-tie.

Lup was 90% sure his moustache was pencilled on. She crossed her arms, stating, “We were told there would be prizes. Don’t take this from me, so help you, old man.”

“Not taking, simply… Delaying the experience,” he said. Julia shuddered, thoroughly creeped. 

“Can I please put my coin into the machine?” Julia asked.

“You’re not even going to introduce yourself, that’s- That seems very rude.”

“You didn’t introduce yourself,” Julia pointed out. “I believe in rustic hospitality. I’ll be the bigger person, that’s fine. I’m Julia Burnsides, these are my new best friends Lup and Hekuba, and I would like to please get a prize from your gachapon.” She stared at the man with big, eager eyes.

He stared back.

“Well?” Julia asked.

“You're not going to ask my name?” the elvish man asked back.

“No offense, bud, we don’t care that much. You’re the Prize Man,” Lup explained slowly. 

The elf man bristled, cheeks reddening. “I am- a loyal worker of the Bureau, I am one of the founding members of this organization- Never, in my three hundred years, have I been treated so rudely by children.”

“Lup,” Julia whined, “He’s gonna take away the prizes.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “What’s your name, Prize Boy?”

“I am the Artificer Divine, Ingenuity Alive, Master of Lore and Keeper of the Gachapon-”

“Shorter version,” Hekuba said.

“Jenkins,” finished the elf, “My name is  _ fucking Jenkins _ .”

Lup side-eyed her team, fighting back laughter so hard that there were tears in her eyes. This was incredibly nostalgic to Lup, hopelessly bullying an adult elf to the point of frustration. That New Elfington street kid life. 

“Jenkins,” Julia started, “Julia Burnsides, hi,  _ please _ , can I use the gachapon.”

Jenkins, who was rubbing his eyes, waved her off toward the machine. Julia sprinted the remaining five steps and slam-dunked the coin onto the machine, turning the dial. There was a  _ clunk _ within the machine, and she watched, enraptured, as a capsule rolled down the length of a track that spanned the room, and came to rest at her feet.

“What did you get?” Jenkins asked, mildly interested. He opened one of the tomes on his desk. 

Julia opened the tiny capsule, holding up its prize: A black ring, with a red and white ringed stone. Jenkins nodde,d flipping through his book.

“Let’s see, R, R, Rings… Ring of… That is the Ring of Sight. When you touch it, you gain the incredible ability to see through walls for 5 minutes,” Jenkins read.

“X-Ray vision,” Julia gasped. 

“There are a few limitations, though, I’ll forward the dossier to your dormitory.” He scribbled down a note. “Next?”

Lup gestured Hekuba ahead. Hekuba stared at the machine for a long while, before saying, “How the hell?”

“You just put the coin in,” Julia said helpfully. “And turn the thing.”

“Babe, have you ever used a gumball machine? It’s like a gumball machine,” Lup told her. “Hek, do we need to troubleshoot the fuckin’-”

Hekuba put the coin in the slot and turned the dial, looking Lup dead in the eye as she said, “I know how it works.” Another capsule rolled down the track, bouncing off of Hekuba’s boot. She opened it up, revealing yet another ring. This one was silver, with a bright piece of turquoise as the focus.

“That one’s easy,” called Jenkins, “Ring of Recovery. It promotes natural healing, allowing you to recover at a quicker rate than others.”

“I’m a healer,” Hekuba said. “I want a refund.”

“No refunds,” Jenkins said.

“Consider this, though,” Julia pointed out, “Your God Hands ability, where you touch people and make them feel good.”

“Not- Don’t,” Lup insisted, gagging.

“If you mess that up, you get hurt really bad, right? So it’s good if you can recover from that,” Julia finished.

Hekuba looked at Jenkins, eyes narrow. “You win this time.”

“My turn!” Lup announced, slipping in the coin and turning the dial. The capsule that rolled down the track here was almost oblong, and larger than the other two. Lup popped it open, ears perking up as she observed her prize: Sunglasses, with heart-shaped lenses and cupid’s bows adowning the arms.

“Cute!” Julia praised.

“Yeah, but it’s not my usual style,” Lup said. “I’m more of a leather girl than a lace girl, you know? I guess if I charm it, I can turn it black or something…”

“Those are the Sweetheart Shades,” Jenkins read off, “They’re imbued with magic to let you cast a very powerful version of  _ charm person _ . The target never stands a chance against you.”

“They never do,” Lup said with a wink at her friends. She tossed the sunglasses into her bag, because if her natural charm couldn’t get them through a situation, not even magic could help them. “Oh, before I forget- Jenkins, you got information on all kinds of magic items in those books?”

“Why, yes. These books are filled with records spanning the ages. Even items which aren’t in my machine have records here.”

“Got anything about this hat?” Lup asked, tapping the brim of her sun-hat. “It’s deffo magic, but all it’s done is  _ blink _ me out of danger.”

“I… Think that looks familiar,” Jenkins said, flipping through his books furiously. Then he stopped, and flipped through another one. He pointed at a page in his book, gesturing Lup over. She hefted herself up the ledge and leaned against his desk. 

There, in the book, there was a color drawing of a person wearing a stereotypical witch’s hat- Wide-brimmed so that it covered most of their face, and very tall with a bent tip and a star charm hanging from the end. On the middle of the hat, though, was a ribbon with a blue stone. It didn’t look like the person in the drawing had a red cloak, but they did have some choice lipstick on.

“The accounts of this item list is as the Umbra Hat,” Jenkins read.

Lup looked down to her umbrastaff. What were the odds? She’d had that thing for as long as she could remember. She couldn’t remember where she got it, actually. Probably won it in a game of pool. “Huh. What’s it do?”

“There are very few umbra items, but this record suggests they were created by a group of wizards imbuing incredible power into ordinary items. They have the unique ability to absorb aspects of their defeated foes,” Jenkins explained. He half-laughed, incredulous, “This record insists that the hat absorbs the  _ souls _ of fallen wizards.”

“What, like Luigi’s Mansion?” Lup asked. Suddenly the ghost hat seemed way less friendly.

“I have no idea what that is. Some of our records are pure fantasy,” Jenkins waved it off. “It’s more likely that, like its sister item the umbrastaff, it absorbs the  _ magic  _ of fallen wizards. Perhaps the previous user was killed using  _ blink _ and the echoes of that spell remain.”

Lup shuddered. She made a note to never fucking die near either of these items. She slammed Jenkins’ book shut, hopping back onto the ground level with her team. “This place weirds me out, let’s bounce.”

“Okay! Thank you, Jenkins!” Julia called over her shoulder as they fled the building for their next stop. 

It was easy to find the Fantasy Costco, with a tall rotating sign and bright LED letters, even in the daylight.

Hekuba, as much of their impulse control as she was, was helpless to stop her team in the face of bulk deals and bargain prices. She couldn’t stop Julia when she set a gross of eggs into the cart, nor Lup when she dunked a 300-pack of cup noodles onto the underside. 

“Hera’s sake, if there isn’t a vegetable in this cart by the time we get to checkout,” Hekuba muttered. Lup and Julia shared a look that said  _ we are not keeping vegetables in our dorm. _

Hekuba was debating between two brands of paper plates when Julia rushed around the corner and said, “You need to see this.”

_ Aisle 48, Arcanic Wonders! _ The aisle was narrower, with mostly barren shelves lined with single samples of goods and signs that said  _ only 1 in stock! _ The price tags had Hekuba ready to turn the other way, but the fliers next to the items make her stop to consider. They were magic items, incredibly rare and wonderfully useful. Lup was pressed up to a glass case with a white wand, and Julia gestured Hekuba over to a display containing a white glove with raised silver knuckles.

Lup counted helplessly through her purse again, sighing. “Wonder if they have a layaway program? This wand is  _ real  _ neat.”

“I can front you whatever you’re missing,” Julia offered. “I’ll take care of the groceries, and you get the wand that helps us stay alive on our next mission.”

“You’re a doll, Jules,” responded Lup, taking the  _ wand of switcheroo _ from its case. Hekuba, likewise, took the  _ phantom fist _ for herself. Julia shrugged, shaking her head at the questioning glances of her team. There was nothing that struck her fancy at the moment.

Lup, at the checkout-line, found herself pondering the usefulness of a system that relied solely on coins, as they piled over two thousand gold coins onto a poor cashier’s station. 

“We’re so sorry,” said Julia.

The cashier fixed them with a dead-eyed stare and swept the coins wordlessly into their register, which appeared to be a bottomless  _ bag of holding _ -type construct. A roll of parchment unspooled itself from the side of the machine, and the cashier mindlessly circled something at the bottom, highlighted something else, and wrote their name.

“We’ll give you  _ such  _ a good review,” promised Julia. The cashier waved them off. Lup did not give either of her teammates a Big Look until they’d walked out the door.

“What,” she started, “The fuck.”

“Retail,” Julia shrugged. “I worked at a Fantasy Smith’s for like, three years in college. They’re all like that.”

“Shit,” Lup shook her head, daring to look back into the store. A chill ran up her spine as she saw the building empty- No cashiers, no customers. Dim lights. She grabbed Mavis and Mookie’s hands, pulling them ahead, whispering, “Oh,  _ fuck  _ that.”

“Well, we gotta drop off the groceries, Lup, there’s ice cream in there,” Julia said striding ahead to catch them. She hooked bags of groceries over her arms and hefted several boxes on her shoulders. “Do you know where the dorms are? Or where ours is.”

Mavis piped up, pointing to a large dome with numerous lights shining from within, “The Director had us drop off our backpacks before your test. We’re right next door to each other.”

“Which means you’ll be  _ quiet  _ when I’m tryin’ to sleep, you two,” Hekuba threatened Julia and Lup. “No shenanigans.”

_ Some shenanigans _ , Lup mouthed. Julia nodded, as though this were obvious. 

They let Mavis lead the way. She was incredibly observant, and pointed out landmarks as they walked to help them keep track. “This is the daffodil painting I liked,” she said, then later, “There’s that bean bag that kind of looks like great-aunt Agnodice.”

“It  _ does _ , huh,” Hekuba said, tilting her head. 

“And this one’s our room,” Mavis said, putting her hand on one door that had already been decorated with stickers of seashells and fish. “The Director said I could put those up… Mookie kind of… Decorated your door already, Miss Julia and Miss Lup. Hopefully your roommate doesn’t mind.”

The door directly to the left had several stickers of bugs and hot-rod flames. Lup high-fived the child before the dwarves retreated to their room, bringing in their own groceries. Julia put her hand on the door-handle, the rune on her bracer lighting up. The door clicked and opened, revealing a fairly plain-looking dorm with two sets of bunk-beds. 

Fairly plain, if only for the layout. The floor was dirtied with piles of clothes, and there were textbooks piled high onto one of the desks. There was also a wooden model train with a track that was arranged all around the room, and made a very quiet train sound.

“Julia,” Lup said, patting her arm frantically.

“I see it,” she said.

“No, no, no,” Lup said, pointing excitedly at a robe that was hanging off of one of the bed-posts. It looked like a fuchsia silk bathrobe, with the word ‘ _ juicy’ _ written in a golden script across the butt. Julia instantly understood that they had, probably, the  _ best  _ roommate.

A door across the suite opened- The door to what appeared to be a shared bathroom? Oh, Lup was gonna claim that  _ so  _ hard- And a heavyset human man with dark curly hair and a scruffy beard stepped out in pajamas, squinting at Lup and Julia with tired eyes.

“Hiii,” Julia started, grinning.

“Oh… Hey,” said the man, who Lup mentally called Juicy. He scratched at his collar, looking between them, then at the bracers on their wrists. “Are you guys my new roommates?”

“Lup, you know, from TV?” Lup introduced, being the first to offer her hand.

“Graham,” introduced Juicy. 

“Julia, hi!” introduced Julia. She held up her arms, displaying the bags. “We bought groceries. Hopefully you’re okay with instant noodles and stuff?”

“That’s life in the BoB,” he said. “Wow, new roommates.”

“I like your robe,” Lup said. Graham followed her eyes to the hanging robe, and he grinned.

They chatted for a little bit as they put away groceries- Graham was also a wizard, and he worked in transportation with Antonia. He wanted to be a conductor- Like the train kind, not the music kind. He’d been solo-rooming it for four months, because his last roommates couldn’t handle the noise. This would not be a problem, Lup and Julia reassured him. 

“You two seem really cool,” Graham said later that night over a glass of wine, after Lup cooked a gourmet dinner using only box ingredients and they claimed beds and Julia built their fort. It was late, and the rest of the base was winding down. “Hey, you guys wanna hear my train whistle? I amplify it with prestidigitation!”

Julia and Lup shared a look to the wall they shared with the dwarves, and then they shared a grin. 

“Graham? Can I tell you something? We’d love that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy????? sorry it's been like a solid week! this chapter was really hard to write because it was all falling action and i was like "ALL THEY'VE DONE IS GO SHOPPING HOW DO I MAKE THIS INTERESTING". i re-wrote it 3 times before finally settling on this draft. next chapter (and subsequent lunar interludes) will be better!
> 
> important rolls: davenport rolled a nat20 on his deception check against hekuba regarding the red robes. the gachapon rolls don't really determine anything, but julia rolled a 7, hekuba got a 3, and lup got a 5. i have a spreadsheet of magic items, tailored for each of them. some of them are familiar, while others are items i used in my own campaign, like the sweetheart shades!
> 
> i wanted graham to be their roommate just because i love this juicy boy. you know that video that's like 'sometimes things that are expensive are worse'. that entire video is graham. he's just a sleepy but enthusiastic gay who wants to be a conductor, like same, bud
> 
> and uhhhhhhhhhhh how about that umbra hat, huh??? wild


	11. Crash Course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia gives puppy eyes. Lup makes a decision. Hekuba makes a goof.

Three weeks after joining the Bureau, a loud alarm bell chimed through two dorm rooms, side by side. 

In the room on the left, decorated with souvenir seashells taken from a burning shore and kitschy photos of a small dwarven family, a collection of children’s books and a small shrine to a mother goddess, a cozy beachside burrow built into the cinderblock body of a moon, Hekuba reached out and turned the alarm off. 

In the other bed across the room, Mavis grumbled, “A few more minutes, mom,” and clung closer to her brother. They hadn’t gone to school since the beach was destroyed, which Hekuba really needed to get on the Director’s case about. It was too dark to be time for their daily training- A quick glance at the mechanism of the water clock told Hekuba that it was about three in the morning.

“Director, you old bastard,” she grumbled, wiping her eyes.  

Next door, the alarm was still going off, and getting louder. The Director had specifically enchanted Lup and Julia’s clock to do that, because otherwise they’d sleep through it. Hekuba grunted as she got out of bed, crossing the room to the shared suite bathroom. If they weren’t going to wake up on their own, she was going to make them. She pushed against the shared bathroom door, sighing as it resisted against whatever mess was on the other side.

She knew it would be chaos in here, but seeing it was worse. The door finally gave against the pile of clothes on the other side. Graham, their annoying loud roommate, groaned at the light spilling in from the bathroom and rolled over, waving his arm weakly toward the alarm clock, despite being on the top bunk.

“Julia,” he called.

“Noooo,” Julia responded.

“Julia,” Hekuba said roughly, trudging through the clutter toward the girls’ bunk beds. She nearly tripped over- a model train? What the hell, was this a professional adult dormitory, or a boarding school dorm? She pushed it aside with her foot and crossed over  a line of tape on the ground, which indicated Julia’s Clean Corner.

“Ah, hell,” Julia sat up instantly at Hekuba’s voice, turning off the alarm. “Sorry.”

“Where’s Lup?” Hekuba asked. The elf sat over the railing of the bunk bed, her shirt half hanging off her shoulders. She spat her hair out of her mouth, throwing a peace sign as a greeting. Lup paused, squinting.

“Do you have curlers in your beard?”

“You think it looks this good on its own?” Hekuba asked, pulling the rollers out from her hair. “Get dressed. Director needs us.”

Lup hopped down, even though there was a perfectly good ladder right next to her. She was wearing a pair of shorts, undoubtedly borrowed from Graham, which  _ without a doubt _ had some words on the ass. This was not the first time Lup and Graham had traded clothing. Lup slipped on a cardigan and pulled the Umbra Hat from its place hanging off of her bed. 

“That does  _ not  _ match,” Hekuba said, “And that’s not dressed.”

“Pajamas are clothes, too. Get off my ass,  _ Mom _ ,” Lup huffed. “And check it.”

She put the hat on top of her head, and with a flash of white light, it was no longer a sun hat. Now, it was a white beanie with the blue stone fixed to it like a button. Lup shrugged, grinning as she said, “The Ultimate Fashion Friend: The Umbra Hat.”

Julia, who had quietly gotten changed into a pair of leggings and a warm plaid shirt during this time, finished tying off her hair with her bandana. She hefted her backpack over her shoulder, handing Lup’s bag over to her. They waited outside in the hallway for a few minutes as Hekuba got ready and kissed Mavis and Mookie goodbye.

By the time they made it to the Grand Hall- The dome with the relic disposal chamber and the Director’s office- It had been about a twenty minutes since their alarms had gone off. They’d barely stepped into the room before the Director, who had been pacing at the foot of the stairs, turned to them.

“What took you so long?” he asked.

“Did you want us coming here in our pajamas?” Hekuba asked.

“Some of us did,” Lup said. “Not that I didn’t put work into this.”

“What’s going on?” asked Julia. 

The Director wrung his hands, pulling a folded sheet of parchment from his breast pocket. He must not have slept at all, to still be dressed in his uniform. Or maybe he slept in it, Lup thought, he seemed the type. Serious people didn’t own pajamas.

“There’s been a murder,” he said.

“I’m out,” Lup decided, turning heel. Julia grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“No one on-base,” the Director back-pedaled. “One of our other reclaimers, a man named Leeman Kessler, was murdered in the city of Rockport. And whoever did it picked a bang-up time, because Leeman found a relic, and was in the process of bringing it back to us.”

“You think whoever killed him has the relic?” Julia asked. 

“No, not yet- But they want it, I’m sure. Leeman was taking a train to Neverwinter- Before his death, he managed to store the relic safely into the cargo hold.”

“So we just show up, flash the ticket, and get the thing out of storage,” Lup said.

“That’s the idea,” the Director nodded. “In theory, getting something off a train should be easy, but with the relics, I can’t guarantee  _ anything  _ will be easy. We have Leeman’s ticket on hold at the station, but I booked two other tickets. Chances are, whoever killed Leeman is going to notice someone else showing up and claiming to be him, and I want all three of you to be protected.”

“So one of us has to pretend to be Leeman?” Julia asked. 

“I have -1 charisma,” Hekuba stated, “And I doubt that Kessler was a dwarf.”

“He was a half-elf,” The Director informed them, “But we booked his ticket over the stone, and he was only at the station for a few minutes to stow away the relic. I doubt anyone working the station got his name.”

“I can be Leeman,” Lup shrugged. 

“Are you  _ sure _ ?” asked the Director.

“You said you booked the ticket over the stone, right? We can say they spelled the name wrong.  _ Limon _ is an elvish name. Androgynous,” Lup explained. Hekuba gawked up at her, surprised by this level of competence.

The Director stammered, “A- Alright, sure. Hell yes. Great idea, Lup.”

“Thank you,” Lup said with a deep flourishing bow.

“Anything else we know, like about the murder, or the relic? There’s six more, so do we know which one?”

“I’m not sure,” admitted the Director. “Leeman didn’t really have a lot of time to talk. At this point, it could be any of them.”

“Not the Gauntlet,” Lup pointed out.

“Not the-” the Director repeated, breaking himself off with a huff. “Lup.  _ Of course _ it’s not the Gauntlet, you know that and I know that, why would you  _ say _ it.”

“I’m just saying, strike that one off the menu.”

“ _ Please _ , go and get the relic,” the Director sighed. “Call me if anything comes up, Antonia will see you off.”

“You got it,” Julia promised. “We’ll bring you a souvenir, bye, Director!”

As they left the Grand Hall, Lup gasped, “Oh, shit! We gotta get Graham a conductor’s hat or something! We’re going on a  _ real train _ !”

“What the hell kind of train party nonsense do you get up to?” Hekuba finally asked, shaking her head, “Three grown adults, laughing about trains.”

“First, I’m  _ barely  _ an adult, so don’t  _ at _ me,” Lup pointed out. “Second, you’d know if you came to Train Night.”

“I’m there every night in spirit,” Hekuba deadpanned, “Because you’ve killed me.”

“Julia, was that a goof?” Lup asked, grinning enthusiastically. “I think we taught our mom how to goof.”

“Faster than expected,” Julia nodded, schooling her expression into one of sage wisdom, “Soon the student will become the master.”

“Quick- Quick, do a mom joke,” Lup begged, “Say a pun so we can pretend we don’t know you.”

Hekuba kept walking. 

The hangar dome was mostly empty this time of night, save for Antonia. Her ears swivelled back as they entered, and she took a moment to identify them.

“Hey, guys!” she called over her shoulder.

“Toni!” Julia happily replied.

“You ready to go for a ride?” asked Antonia, standing up and wiping grease-covered hands onto the legs of her coveralls. She peeled her gloves off, shoving them deep into her pockets as she made her way over to a console at the base of one of the launch pads. With the press of a button, one of the large glass pods lining the wall was launched, pinball-esque, up a track into the rafters. It ran an intricate path through a series of clear tubes all over the dome until it finally rolled, slowly, onto the launch pad.

“Has anyone ever been in one of those pods when it does that?” Julia asked.

“Are you kidding? It’s like the base pastime. I have to work the thing, otherwise I’d give it a try, myself. It sounds fun,” Antonia answered, pressing another button on her console. The pod beeped, and the door on the side slid open. “Let me show you how it works.”

They joined Antonia up on the launch pad, getting situated inside while she stood outside with her arm leaned against the glass. Lup took the driver’s seat, while Hekuba took shotgun and Julia sat in the back, pleased by the amount of legroom back there.

“Lup, have you ever driven a wagon?” Antonia asked. “One of the high-tech ones, without horses.”

“Uhhh,” Lup said. “Technically I don’t have a license, and also no.”

“I mean, neither have I, so we’re about even there. I can’t exactly see the buttons in there, you know? But I designed it to have minimal console input. You barely have to do a thing.”

“Okay?”

“Basically, there’s one thing you need to worry about. There’s a handle, to the left of your seat. That’s your brake. Pull that when you’re getting close to the ground, it’ll deploy the parachute. You don’t want to pull it too early, because you’ll drift straight down. These pods can handle a lot of damage, as Hurley likes to constantly test, but if you’re  _ in _ it when it takes a hard crash like that, it’s going to mess you up pretty bad.”

“It crashed through miles of solid earth into a cave,” Lup said.

“It won’t do that this time, because I’m not telling it to do that. You might make a crater, sure, but you’re not gonna burrow. Just make sure you pull the handle. Literally every other button in there is like, radio controls and lights and like, a travel TV.”

“For those long cannon trips,” Julia said, buckling her seatbelt. 

“Sometimes,” Antonia agreed. “Sometimes we have to launch to the other side of the continent, and the pod-ride back to base takes a few hours. And if we’re out of lunar cycle? Forget about it. The  _ physics  _ required for this place.”

“So, pull the handle when we’re close to the ground. Anything else?”

“That’s it,” Antonia agreed. “I do all the hard stuff, don’t worry about it. If you’re ready, I’m going to get the launch cycle started.”

Antonia headed back over to her console, leaving the girls in the pod. Julia fixed Lup with a petulant stare in the rear-view mirror until the elf sighed and buckled in. Hekuba was already dozing off as the door to the pod closed. A klaxon on the end of the launch pad sounded, as the ground split apart and the pod was rolled slowly into a dark chamber, lit only by the red lights lining the walls.

“Alright, Reclaimer Team, Pod 37 is preparing for launch,” Antonia’s voice said out of a speaker on the dashboard. “Cannon is primed.”

“Cannon?” Julia asked, voice pitched higher with concern.

“Track is clear, firing mechanism active. Ejection point open. Contact in 3.”

“Contact?” Lup echoed, looking down as a thin pinprick of light became visible.

There was a flash of motion from above as something powerful struck the pod. And, oh, boy. Oh, boy did things move fast from there. That pinprick of light, a mere half-second later, was suddenly the open air overlooking the world, and they were headed toward it  _ very  _ quickly.

About six seconds later, when Lup finally stopped screaming and took a second to catch her breath, she had a moment to realize just how nice this was. Their pod had been fired off at an angle, sending them more forward than down. From their current position, Lup could see the land below and what was quickly becoming cities instead of just grey landmasses. Just ahead, a group of mountains were silhouetted by the rising morning sun.

“Oh,” Julia said, looking all around her.

“Scared me half to death,” Hekuba sighed, holding her hand over her heart.

“Ooh! Look!” Julia lurched forward in her seat, pointing at a flock of pegasi that were flying ahead.

“Some big dumb pigeons,” Lup said.

“We’re gonna hit ‘em,” said Hekuba.

“No we’re not,” Lup insisted. A second later, she projected the path of the sphere. “Oh, yeah, we super are.”

“No!” Julia gasped, “Pull the thing!”

“And go off-target?” Lup asked. She shook her head. “No, that looks like Rockport on the other side of the mountains, we gotta go through ‘em. I am  _ not _ hiking again.”

Julia pouted, but didn’t argue. Lup continued ahead. As soon as they were past the pegasi, she could pull the handle. 

“Move, you beautiful bastards!” she shouted, “Is there a horn in this thing? Headlights?” Lup looked down at the buttons, groaning. There were so many. 

Lup shook her head and braced her hand on the handle. She looked at Julia, and said, “I hope you’re happy.” She pulled on the brake, a parachute deploying from the top of the pod. Ahead, the pegasi startled, dancing wildly across the sky in every which direction. It was a blizzard of beautiful prismatic feathers. 

The pod lurched as a beautiful stallion of the sky caught a leg in the cords of the parachute.

“I’m not even sure which one of you I blame for this,” Hekuba said, as the cords snapped under the horse’s struggle. As they hurdled to the ground, Lup reached into the back-seat for her umbrastaff and whispered the incantation for  _ shield. _

It was absolute chaos as the pod pachinko’d its way down the side of the mountain- First with a big crash that reverberated through the glass, then several smaller ones as the pod bounced and rolled further down into the woods at the base of the mountain. Several trees crunched underneath the sturdy glass, and finally- After what felt like a lifetime- The cannonball rolled to a slow rest in the dirt. 

“Everybody alright?” Julia asked, laying limp in her seat. She felt a little bruised up, but she’d live.

“Been worse,” Hekuba answered. “Lup?”

Lup dispelled her  _ shield _ with a breath that she disguised as a pained hiss. Shitty as it was, Lup was a preservationist first and a friend second. She looked out for the two of them, sure, but  _ she  _ was more important. She hadn’t even gotten dinged.

“Lup?” Julia echoed, anxious.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Lup answered.

“Good,” Hekuba sighed. “We didn’t look far from Rockport when we crashed. Looks like we’re getting that hike after all.”

Lup groaned, and pushed against the door above them. She took a breath as she climbed out, surprised to smell wet, earthy air. Muggy, kind of swampy. 

She cried out as she stood on the edge of the pod and it shifted beneath her, sinking slightly into the ground. She froze, looking down into the pod. “So, quick status update? Quicksand.”

Hekuba growled in frustration, accepting Lup’s hand when she offered it. Julia climbed out, the three of them sitting on the edge of the glass as they took a moment to assess the situation.

“Here I was hoping I could go my entire adult life without quicksand being an issue,” Julia sighed. “Okay, how do we solve this? Was there quicksand at the beach?”

“There was  _ regular  _ sand,” Hekuba answered.

“Alright, uhh, let me think,” Lup started, blowing a raspberry as the considered, “I  _ know  _ Auntie taught me this.”

“Your aunt taught you how to handle quicksand?” asked Hekuba, raising an eyebrow.

“We lived in a swamp, but it was a hundred years ago,” Lup admitted. “I can’t remember what I did a _year_ ago, let alone a hundred. Was it moving fast made it better, or worse?”

“Want me to test it?” Julia asked.

“No, if you get stuck, me and grandma won’t be able to pull you out,” Lup sighed. “I’ll do it.”

“We’re like the same size,” Julia pointed out.

“Too late, I’ve already done it,” Lup said, as she was doing it. The pod sunk further into the ground as she hopped off of it. The ground was firm under her feet, then after a moment, it began to sink under her. She moved over about a foot, the ground doing the same thing. She moved her feet giddily, laughing, “I remember doing this as a kid! If you move fast, it can’t sink you!”

“Good enough for me,” Julia shrugged, hopping off. “So what, we just sprint across the swamp? What if there’s gators?”

“Free dogs. Uh, you’re standing still too long, Jules,” Lup told her, tugging her away from where she’d been standing. Hekuba was apprehensive, but the pod was dangerously low into the ground by now, and she didn’t want to get pulled into whatever sinkhole was being created.

“We’re gonna have to try it,” Hekuba decided. “Which way was Rockport?”

Julia pointed opposite of the mountain. “Clear that way.”

“Alright. Lup, you’re our swamp expert, you lead the way,” Hekuba said.

“Swamp expert,” Lup cackled, starting ahead. “Put that on my name badge. Alright, welcome to _Lup’s Survival Crash Course, Lesson 1:_ _So You’ve Been Adopted By a Swamp Witch…_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the kind of sloppy ending there, but it made more sense than starting a combat encounter for 2 pages, ending mid-way, and making that half of next chapter. i'm tryin' to stick adjacent to the original narrative, but that's one thing i had to change, is multi-chapter fight scenes
> 
> rockport begins! we're starting to get into the good stuff. i'm very excited about lup's improv skills, because girl only has +1 deception and performance. whoops! 
> 
> important rolls: lup rolled a 4 investigation to look for useful buttons in the cannonball, and the pegasi rolled a 4 dex save to dodge being hit by the pod. i didn't want to kill one of god's magnificent creations, so i just had them scramble and cause trouble. lup rolled a 9 deception check to fake being injured in the crash, and hekuba and julia both rolled poor insight checks (a 2 and a 4), which i'm taking to be their trust in their friend cancelling out any chance she was faking.
> 
> i do not know how water-clocks actually work in the real world, but according to the canon of nacre in friends at the table, it's based on how wet a wheel gets and how wet it is, that's the time
> 
> ......................lup's aunt is the arby's witch and you can take it from me when i fucking DIE


	12. All Aboard!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia does a lie. Lup uses a spell. Hekuba gets crunched.

It wasn’t until the sun had risen and they still hadn’t reached Rockport that Julia thought something might be wrong here. Sure, Lup looked confident in her navigation, but it didn’t feel like they’d made any progress at all. Not to mention her legs were killing her from all this high-knee trudging through mud. Not to mention poor Hekuba, Julia thought, shooting a look back at their paladin, who had braided her beard up into her hair to keep it out of the chest-level muck.

“You sure we’re goin’ the right way, kid?” Hekuba asked, “Just feel like the mud’s gettin’  _ deeper _ .”

“Yeah,” Lup answered. “Don’t you guys hear the trains?”

“We don’t have cool elf ears,” Julia pointed out. Lup’s ears had been pricked forward for the last half-mile or so, twitching in that way that Antonia’s did whenever someone new entered the room and she was trying to identify them.

“Well, we gotta be close,” Lup said with a shrug. “It’s getting louder.”

“Hopefully we didn’t already miss the train,” Hekuba huffed. “Director didn’t say what time it went out.”

“He’d give us time,” Julia insisted. “He had to know we might goof it up, right?”

“As far as he’s concerned, we’re the best fuckin’ employees he has,” Lup laughed. “We brought back the glove he was trying to get for a whole year.”

“Yeah, speaking of…” Julia started. “I don’t know how to feel about this whole thing. It puts my stomach all wobbly. Don’t get me wrong, I trust Hurley and Rowan and everyone, but it still feels like there’s a lot we don’t know.”

“The leader of a secret moon organization, keeping things from us?” Hekuba deadpanned, hefting herself up onto a log with a sigh as she rested her legs for a moment. “Color me surprised.”

“Well, I  _ know  _ that, but... “ Julia rubbed the back of her neck. “I just wonder how much of what we know is the big picture.”

“Probably none of it, babe,” said Lup. “But if we wanna solve this bad boy, we gotta play along. And if they’re paying me, I’ll play real good.” Her ear twitched, and she slowly turned around to face the other members of the party. The water rippled nearby.

“What’s wrong?” Julia asked, getting her axe ready.

“Hey Jules? Free dogs.” Lup pointed at the log beneath Hekuba, which, in the most action movie trope way, opened a pair of amber eyes. A mist of breath left a pair of slitted nostrils on the end of a long, bumpy nose and a low growl rumbled through the air.

“You’re shitting me,” Hekuba said, in the split second before the alligator rolled under the water. A raven in a nearby tree squawked and flew away, startled by Lup and Julia’s shouts of alarm.

There was a metal crunch as the gator snapped its jaws around the bulk of Hekuba’s armor- Just recently repaired from the  _ last  _ time something tried to have a tasty dwarf-sized snack. Thankfully, tempered and enchanted armor was too much for angry alligator jaws to crunch through. 

The gator blinked its eyes and hissed through its open maw as Lup swatted at its head, ineffectually, with her umbrella. 

“Hey, asshole!” Lup said, swatting its nose a few more times. “Drop her!”

“Oh, I don’t want to hurt it,” Julia whined, anxiously. “It’s just a hungry animal.”

“It’s  _ eating  _ our  _ healer _ ,” Lup stressed, “We won’t kill it, just like… Pick it up and throw it somewhere else? You can lift this thing, I  _ know  _ you can.”

“If you chuckleheads are done shootin’ the shit!” Hekuba shouted, trying desperately to pry the animal’s jaws open.

“Okay, okay, uhh…” Julia approached, pacing around the alligator for a few seconds, trying to decide where to put her hands. She finally decided  _ fuck it _ and clamped one hand on top of the thing’s nose, when it turned,  _ way too fast _ for something that big, and caught her in the legs with its tail.

“Oh, hell’s bells,” Lup sighed, finally raising her umbrella as she channelled a spell. At the tip of the umbrella, a green arrow began to materialize. She took a second to line up the shot, and let loose. The thing with magic was, Lup didn’t need to aim  _ well _ to be able to hit. The arrow hit the water, just an inch to the alligator’s side, but exploded into a splash of acid regardless.

The gator rumbled angrily as a fair amount of acid burned through its thick hide and left raw, pinkish skin. Its mouth opened enough for Hekuba to break free and plant a firm punch to the end of its snout. Julia winced, because  _ wow, _ that was a good punch. Hekuba’s glove, the phantom fist, pulsed and sent out a shockwave that disrupted the water and sent the alligator flying a few feet back with a large splash that drenched Lup from head to toe.

Angrily, it hissed again at them, but hesitated. Julia didn’t know if alligators had a self-preservation instinct, but it seemed to know when it was beaten. It turned tail and dove into the water, retreating. 

“Jeez,” Julia sighed, shoulders drooping. “That could have gone really bad.”

“You don’t say,” Hekuba snorted derisively. “We’re lucky gators can’t read, or it would have gone after the wizard.”

Lup tilted her head, her face screwed up in confusion. “Huh?”

Hekuba gestured wordlessly at Lup’s borrowed shorts, which had ‘ _ bite me _ ’, with a little heart embroidered across the ass. And _oh_ , how Lup cackled. She shook wordlessly as the paladin elbowed her in the thigh and trudged along the path to Rockport.

With everyone on high alert/GatorWatch, it was a few minutes more when the not-so perceptive members of the team heard the first train horn. Then, a little after, they could see the smoke coloring the air above Rockport, a City on the Grow. After hours of actually traversing a swamp, all three members of their party, covered in varying degrees of mud, duckweed, and water, emerged in a green pasture outside of the city.

Rockport wasn’t as technologically advanced as Neverwinter with its tall spires, nor as archaic with its defensible stone walls. It was a city set in copper, every building bolted tight and every mechanism running with a ticking set of gears. The clock overlooking the city marked the time for about 7:30- They’d been wandering through the swamp like animals for nearly four hours.

The train station, built into the bulk of one of the mountains shadowing the city, was remarkably crowded for such a small city. The map overlooking the main station showed that Rockport was a hub for locomotive travel all across the country, plus some unimportant history about being the first railway. Julia thought that Graham would love this place.

“Tickets that way,” Lup pointed to a small booth, helpfully marked TICKETS, which was manned by an older human man. She took a breath, preening hopelessly at wet golden hair. “How do I look?”

She looked like a drowned rat- Which made the  _ actual  _ rat nesting in her shirt look even more pathetic. Hekuba buttoned the top button of her cardigan.

“Your shirt’s soaked through,” she explained.

Lup unbuttoned the cardigan. “Might need it, who knows.” She turned toward the ticket booth, clearing her throat to gain the man’s attention. He looked her over, obviously surprised by the amount of swamp residue that stuck to her.

She asked, “Did we miss the train to Neverwinter?”

“Well, which one?” the man asked, pulling up a red logbook from his desk. “We have several a day!”

“Uh… Can’t seem to remember,” Lup admitted. To her retinue, she asked, “Do we know what time our train was?” To the porter, she said, “Booked in advance, you know.”

“Under which name?” asked the human man, “I might be able to help!”

“Limon Kessler,” responded Lup. “You’re a real pal, uh…” She squinted at the name tag. “Tom.”

Tom beamed, and consulted his book. “Well, I’m seeing a ticket for a- You said Limon? Looks like we misspelled it, whoops-a-daisy!”

“It happens,” Lup shrugged. “You know how those elvish vowels can be.”

“I’m seeing one ticket for the 8:15 to Neverwinter- Why, you’re just in time, Miss Kessler!”

“Excellent!” Lup grinned. “Tom, you would not  _ believe _ the morning we’ve had. These two _insisted_ we’d miss it, what a bunch of worrywarts.”

“You two, do you also have tickets? Miss Kessler didn’t have any additional tickets under her name.” Tom noted, turning his attention to Julia and Hekuba. Julia jumped, knocking over a display full of pamphlets. 

Julia carefully looked at Hekuba. Slowly, she said, “We booked them at like three this morning?”

Tom flipped through his book again, pausing. “I’m seeing two tickets for the 8:15, but it doesn’t look like there’s any names listed here. Well, that won’t do! We need some sort of record that you were here. What are your names, friends?”

“My name is Teresa,” Julia blurted. 

Tom made a note. “Last name?”

“Kessler,” Julia answered, wincing after she said it. Lup nodded, biting her lips to hide her smile.

“Mm-hmm, Teresa Kessler, that's her,” she agreed. 

Tom raised an eyebrow, curiously asking, “Relative?”

“We’re super married,” Lup decided, “This is our honeymoon trip, you know?” Julia nodded, grinning anxiously as she showed off the ring that she wore on her necklace. 

“Congratulations, Mrs. Kesslers!” Tom responded enthusiastically. “I’m sure the staff won’t mind if we upgrade your ticket to a sleeper car, now, will they?”

“That’s wonderful, thank you,” Julia squeaked, regretting very much the course of action that led to this situation. She did not have a lying bone in her body.

“And are you also with the Kessler party?” Tom asked Hekuba, who was watching Julia and Lup with an amused expression.

“My mom,” Lup responded easily, “Helen.”

“That’s me,” Hekuba said. “Helen…. Kessler.”

Tom nodded, writing down the last name. “Alright, great!” He slid his book underneath a hole in the glass, a quill and inkwell on the other end. He pointed to a line on each of the tickets, which denoted a signature. Lup signed easily, while Julia took a second to think about how her chosen name should be spelled. Hekuba signed, ‘H’. 

Tom looked over the signatures for a moment before tearing the tickets out of his book, a magical duplicate of each ticket remaining behind in his book. He closed his ledger and stepped out of his booth, asking, “Is this your first time riding the Rockport Limited?”

“I’ve always wanted to ride on a real train,” Lup said solemnly, “My beloved brother.... Graham Kessler.... Would have loved to be here today.”

“Oh… Oh, I’m so sorry,” Tom said, covering his mouth. “Was it recent?”

“Oh, he’s not dead. He’s a real enthusiast for locomotives and decided to sleep in today.” Lup waved her hand. “Tell us about the train, Tom- Or more specifically, the cargo hold. My dear wife and I have our family heirlooms aboard the 8:15, and we’d really love to know how safe they are, Tom.”

Tom gestured them ahead, to a diorama in the middle of the station. It was a smaller-scale cross-section of a train with five cars, each denoted with a plaque above them. It was appropriately child-sized, and several children were playing make-believe there.

“Well, Mrs. Kessler-”

“Please, just Limon to friends, Tom.”

“Well, Mrs. Limon, this is the standard layout of each of our locomotives,” Tom explained. “Engineer’s car is up front, where the engineer lives.”

“He doesn’t really live there, though, does he?” asked Julia, smiling politely. 

Tom fixed her with a serious yet solemn look, responding, “Yes.”

“Oh…”

Tom continued, “The passenger car is next, followed by the sleeper car, where your honeymoon suite will be waiting for you. The dining car, where you can enjoy some excellent on-board dining and drinks, as well as some quality entertainment…”

Tom stopped by the final car, gesturing to the scaled-down interior. It was a mostly empty car, save for the large black box in the center of the room. He patted it fondly. “The real deal is much more impressive, but  _ this  _ is what we call a crypt-safe. Your belongings are safe and sound, Mrs. Kesslers- The safe can only be opened by the engineer himself with an hour of physical contact.”

“That’s pretty inconvenient,” Hekuba said. “An hour of contact with a box before anyone can get their luggage.”

“Oh, no, your luggage will be with you,” Tom explained, “The crypt safe is only for high priority valuables. Like your heirlooms.”

There was a chime over the intercom on the station, as a smooth voice announced, “Boarding for the 8:15 to Neverwinter form Platform B is beginning. Passengers, please make way to your destination.”

“Welp!” Lup clapped her hands together, pointing to the sign for Platform B, just nearby. A beautiful red train was pulled into station, a ramp descended from its body for boarding. A few unique looking passengers were already starting to get on in there. She patted Tom on the arm, saying, “It’s been real, Tom. This is us.”

“But of course,” Tom bowed, like some sort of proper servant. “I’ll be heading back to my booth now. You all have fun out there!”

“Thanks, Tom!” Julia called after him.

They flashed their tickets to board the train, but Lup hesitated at the top of the ramp after Julia and Hekuba had already gone inside. Looking over her shoulder, she spotted Tom in conversation with a station guard, his ledger in his hand. 

Lup couldn’t remember if she’d signed her fake name, or autographed it the same way she would a picture.

“Lup,” Julia whisper-shouted at her in the small hallway between the boarding hall and the passage between cars. “You coming?”

“Yeah,” Lup answered, meeting Tom’s eye for a second as he noticed her. The boarding door slid shut with a mechanical hiss, and Lup finally boarded the train proper. 

It wasn’t like it mattered, Lup thought. So she signed the wrong name. What could  _ one  _ ticket-taker possibly do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's train day!! i'm very excited for what comes next. more roles are swapped! action! adventure! lying badly! murder and intrigue! and a precocious yet familiar child detective.....
> 
> important rolls: hekuba's passive perception is an 8, which was not good enough to discern a chillin' gator. julia rolled a nat 1 on what could have been either animal handling or a strength check, depending on which would have been more rewarding. the dice decided it should be neither! lup rolled a 9 against the alligator's 12 AC with melf's acid arrow, but it still did half damage. hekuba rolled max damage on a melee attack with phantom fist, a real good cronchy punch. julia rolled a 15 bluff check to say her name was teresa (of course inspo'd by teresa mcelroy, of COURSE), which passed! 
> 
> the thing with lup signing the wrong name was basically me thinking, "okay, but ask one of the twins to sign ANYTHING and you're getting an autograph", because SOMETHING had to go wrong here!
> 
> this chapter is devoted to my missing pink d10, RIP lil guy. don't know where u are but i coulda really used ya here, bud.


	13. One Track Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lup makes some candy. Julia comforts a ragged man. Hekuba has a Brief Mom Moment.

“Tickets, please,” requested an elven gentleman in a red and gold uniform as the trio conglomerated in the boarding cabin. He already had several stubs in his hand, presumably belonging to the other passengers who had already settled in.

“Kind of late to ask for those, huh?” Lup asked, gesturing to the closed door behind her. “Normally you’d ask before locking everybody in.”

“This is just protocol, ma’am,” he sighed. “Can I please have your tickets so I can drive the train, or is this gonna be an issue?”

Julia nudged Lup’s shoulder, gesturing to the guy as if to say  _ well? _ Lup sighed, handing over her ticket which,  _ yep _ , there at the bottom was her actual name instead of her fake train name. The engineer didn't so much as look at it before tearing it in half, handing her the stub with the train’s information. As Julia and Hekuba attempted to move past him, he cleared his throat.

“I also need your weapons,” he said, eyeing the impressive collection of visible axes and knives spread amongst the three. Julia pulled a face as she realized that she, a rogue, was functionally useless without her weapons. Hekuba, whose only spell was  _ cure wounds _ , groaned slightly.

“Sure, here you go,” Lup said, pulling her dagger out from its sheath at her side. “The umbrella is, uh, cool, right?”

“I mean, it’s an umbrella,” said the engineer, “It’s not, like, a sword.”

“Mm-hmm, not a sword,” Lup agreed, thumb rolling slowly over the button for the bayonet control. 

Julia unhooked her axe from her belt, handing it over along with her bow and quiver. She very seriously said, “Protect this axe with your life.”

“It’s going into the vault, so it’s- It’s pretty protected,” said the engineer. “I’ll go ahead and walk these back, but for the rest of the ride I’m going to be back there.” He pointed to a door to the left, which was heavy iron with a narrow sliding window. He continued, “Our attendant will be able to see to your every need, uh,  _ don’t  _ fucking bother me.”

With that, the engineer took hold of the recovered weapons and stepped through the door to the right, passing through the passenger car. 

“We should get ourselves comfortable,” Julia suggested. “This is gonna be four hours of fun.”

“You know, you say that and I don’t believe a word of it,” Hekuba said. 

The passenger car was set up with four booths, each booth big enough for two people. They were the gaudiest pattern, like someone had taken a look at a yellow brocade curtain and went  _ yeah, sure. _ The first thing that Julia noticed was that there were like, a lot of elves. Like, all elves. Like they missed a memo about an elf meeting or something.

A drow was leaned up against their window, wearing a patterned poncho and a stetson hat with one brim curled up. Across from them, there was a high elf woman with her feet kicked up onto the table- She was wearing boots that went  _ all  _ the way up, and Lup really appreciated that. And finally, in the far corner, with his legs pulled up into his seat, there sat a young elvish boy curled over a big book, bright eyes looking up at them for a moment as they entered before he looked back down.

Lup groaned, “ _ Elves _ .”

“You are also an elf?” Julia pointed out.

“Yeah, but I don’t know if these people are like,  _ real  _ elves. You know?” Lup asked, continuing when Hekuba and Julia gave her a confused look. “With the gold leaf and the trees. I’m Gutter Elf Chic, these look like some straight up capital E Elves.”

Lup sighed as her teammates continued staring at her. “Remind me to give you two the New Elfington caste system briefing.”

“Don’t care,” Hekuba said, “You got us a room, right?”

Hekuba continued through the passenger car, reaching for the door to the sleeper car. The door opened before she could get there. Standing in the gap between the two cars was a very old gnomish man, with half-moon spectacles and a long, well-trimmed beard. In one hand, he held a tray of hors d'oeuvres, and the other was resting on the door-handle.

“Oh!” he recoiled, standing at attention. “I was unaware we were expecting more passengers, I would have brought more refreshments.”

“You’re good, we booked at the last second,” Julia comforted him.

“No, no, this is simply inexcusable,” he insisted, “Oh, God. I’ve failed as a host.” He delicately set the snack tray on the little boy’s table, leaning his back up against the doorway.

“Hey,” Julia said delicately, putting her hand on his shoulder. She leaned, checking for a name-badge. She could see the edges of it poking out from behind his beard.. “Hey, uh, Leon…”

“For three hundred years, my family has served the Rockport Limited, and this is how I honor them,” Leon sighed.

Lup had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing. 

“You know? Leon, you can make it up to us if you show us the rest of the train,” Julia insisted. “Take us on a nice tour?”

Leon nodded slowly, coming back to himself. “Yes, that sounds... Agreeable. If you would follow me?”

Julia and Hekuba followed ahead, but Lup stayed behind for a moment. She had this funny feeling, like someone was watching her. She closed her eyes, transferring her consciousness into her rat, who climbed up the length of her shoulder and rested there, looking back into the room. The little boy was fixing her with the most intense stare she’d ever seen.

“Um, honey?” Julia’s voice called through the fog. It took Lup a second to sort out her brain and come back to her body. Julia smiled, gesturing with her thumb toward Leon and Hekuba, who were waiting in the connecting hall. “You coming?”

“Uh, yeah, babe,” Lup responded. “Spaced out there for a sec.”

“Surely you had a long journey,” Leon mused, nodding sympathetically. “We’re limited in sleeper cars, unfortunately, but the dining car and passenger car will do in a pinch.”

“Oh, we actually have one of those sleeper cars,” Julia said. “The guy at the station was kind enough to give us one.”

Leon took in a deep breath through his nose, smiling thinly. “Tom Bodett, I assume. How gracious of him.” Leon led them into the next area, which had four doors cordoned off onto little sitting chambers. Sleeper may have been an inaccurate name for the chamber, since it was two long padded benches facing one another, neatly sequestered behind a sliding door.  

“This one here- Kessler,” Hekuba pointed out a magical placard beside the car, opening the door and setting her bag on the floor inside. She stretched her sore shoulders.

“Kessler,” repeated Leon. “Come to think of it, I did see a reservation for a Leeman Kessler but-”

“Spelled it wrong,” Lup shrugged. “Elvish, y’know? Bet the other guests had the same problem.”

“No,” Leon said, shaking his head slowly, “Never once has a guest gotten their name misspelled in the years the Rockport Limited has been running.”

“Hear that, babe? I’m a trendsetter,” Lup said with a grin. “So, Leon, what’s the drink sitch like on this bad boy? It’s almost 9:00 and I was in a swamp all morning, Mama is ready to party.”

“I can… Make mimosas?” Leon suggested.

“Excellent! Onward!” Lup ushered him forward. 

The dining car was by far the prettiest part of the train, with a long red rug and a crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. There was a bar in the back, with an impressive selection of high-end drinks. A number of tables were situated around the room with very fancy silverware and candles- The whole nine yards. Lup hated it.

Leon headed for the bar, nodding briefly at the engineer as he passed back through to the front of the train. Lup hoisted herself up onto a stool beside the bar, overlooking the entire creative process. Or uncreative process, she thought, frowning as Leon procured a bottle of orange juice from a mini-fridge beneath the bar.

“Very vanilla, huh?” Lup asked. “Plain orange. I prefer grapefruit, myself.”

Leon put the bottle back and pulled out a pitcher of grapefruit juice. Lup leaned over the bar.

“So what are we working with? What’s the- Walk me through your recipe, here.”

Leon hesitated, before saying, “Mix it with the champagne and serve.”

Lup clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Three hundred years your family’s been working here, Leon? Think you would have learned some pizazz.” Julia elbowed her in the side. Lup said, “By all means, continue.”

She held her tongue as Leon mixed the drink, stumbling for a moment as the train lurched and pulled out of the station. She did, however, speak up when he pulled a little white packet out from his breast pocket, and dumped it into the glass.

“Uh, what’s that?”

“Sugar,” Leon offered.

“Okay, two things. Maybe three. I haven’t decided yet,” Lup started, raising her hands. She raised a finger. “One.  _ In  _ the dang thing? Not lining the glass? Two,  _ packet sugar _ ? For being as expensive as you are, you really skimp in the refreshments department.”

“Lup,” whined Julia. “Be nice to the nice man.”

“Lup?” echoed Leon, looking between them.

“Archaic elven nickname,” Lup explained quickly, grinning too widely. “You know, like how… How Margaret becomes Peggy?”

Leon narrowed his eyes, but didn’t seem to know enough about elvish to dispute it. He set the glass down in front of her.

The door to the passenger car opened, a small watery voice carrying from the hallway. “Um… I’m sorry to bother you, sir…”

The trio turned in their seats, spotting the little elf boy in the doorway with his arms crossed over his stomach. His ears were dropped low, and his fingers curled into the wooden door-frame for dear life. Leon left the bar at once, thankfully missing it when Lup reached across the counter and dumped the entire drink down the drain.

“Are you alright, young man?” Leon asked.

“I guess I’m just a little motionsick,” the boy said, sniffling, “My grandma told me not to read on the train, but I did it anyway…”

Julia cooed sympathetically. Hekuba patted her pockets like she was looking for something in her Mom First Aid Kit. Lup called, “Uh, hey, Leon? You got any ginger back here?”

Leon’s tail flicked with agitation as he responded, “Miss Kessler, I am with another guest…”

Lup rolled her eyes, stepping behind the counter. No whole ginger, although she did spot a bowl of sugar cubes-  _ why the hell would Leon use  _ packets _ of sugar?- _ and it was quick and easy minor alchemy to change it to ginger candies. She offered the bowl to the kid, who took a candy and wrinkled his nose in distaste.

“Don’t like it, huh?” Lup asked. “It’ll help with the nausea, though.”

“Thank you, ma’am! I’m feeling much better!” He nodded his head and quickly dashed back into the passenger car. 

Leon turned, sighing. He fixed Lup with a look, asking, “Did you enjoy your refreshment?”

“It was okay,” Lup answered. “Could have used some fresh blackberries for added flavor, but, you know.” She shifted her gaze to avoid looking at Leon, and it was about then that she noticed a little door in the back corner of the car. “What is that?”

Julia and Hekuba followed her gaze. Hekuba squinted, reading, “Pleasure chamber.”

“That’s it for me, I’m gonna go somewhere else,” Julia waved, heading for the door.

“Oh, so it’s  _ that _ kind of train,” Lup nodded slowly, “Alright, uh, been a while since I’ve been near one of those. Weird. Who the hell let a kid on here?”

“It’s not anything like you're imagining, I assure you,” Leon huffed. “The pleasure chamber is a magical doorway-”

“I bet!” Lup cackled.

“-To a sensory experience-”

“Still bad?” Julia pointed out.

“-Will you  _ please _ ,” Leon let out a long breath. “You open the door, and you’re given a temporary reprieve in a paradise of your choosing, so long as your destination has one entrance or exit.”

“So I could decide to go to like, a fantasy Burger King,” Lup said.

“Most Burger Kings have more than one door, just as a fire precaution, but yes. Is that- Do you want to… Go there?” Leon asked.

“I mean eventually, sure,” Lup said. “Let a lady take a load off first.”

“But that’s what the room is  _ for _ ,” Julia said, snorting as she laughed at her own joke. Lup stuck her tongue out, making a pretend grossed-out sound.

Hekuba shook her head, opening the door to the hallway. “C’mon, goofballs. I want to sit down a minute.”

They left Leon there in the dining car, returning to the sleeper car for a quick sit-down. Julia drew the curtain over the door shut as everyone took a seat.

“Thoughts?” she asked.

“That blonde was cute,” Lup remarked, “The one with those boots? Into it.”

“Well, yeah, I have eyes, Lup, I saw her, but I mean about the overall vibe,” Julia said. “Brad felt the thrall of the gauntlet through a heavy vault door. Doesn’t it seem weird to you that no one on this train is acting funny?”

“I’m with you there,” Hekuba agreed. “That, and whoever killed the real Leeman Kessler is on this train, so antagonizing people ain’t our best way to stay alive,  _ Lup _ .”

“Hey, he was committing kitchen crime,” Lup argued. “The real Leeman was a trained Bureau reclaimer. I doubt one old man butler who can’t even make  _ one _ mimosa did this. It has to be one of the other elves.”

“What if it’s your blonde?” Hekuba asked.

“No one ever said love was fair, Hek,” Lup fired back. “Maybe it’s the drow. If you were up late murdering someone, you’d be sleeping on a train early the next morning.”

“Now I hate to say this…” Julia started, taking a slight breath, “We know the relics can try and thrall kids…”

“No,” Hekuba denied.

“No, I think Jules is onto something,” Lup said, “Before we followed Leon, the kid was watching us. And walking in a second later, faking illness to size us up?”

“ _ No _ ,” Hekuba repeated, “This is a kid we’re talking about. He’s, what, six?”

“Elves are born with a full set of teeth,” Lup said, pointing at Hekuba, “Good for crunchin’ on prey. Just cause they’re little doesn’t mean they’re not super dangerous.”

“You’re talking horseshit,” Hekuba scoffed.

“No, I’m a hundred percent serious,” Lup insisted.

“I mean about the  _ kid _ ,” stressed Hekuba. “Did you forget I’m a paladin who can sense evil?”

“Fine. What here is evil?” Lup asked.

“Still you,” Hekuba said, taking a second to focus, “And the relic. Nothing else is evil.”

“I’m chaotic good, so jot that down,” Lup corrected. She got up, opening the door of the sleeper car. She blinked as she saw the young boy standing outside their door, a piece of paper gripped in his chubby hands. Julia actually jumped, her hand covering her heart.

“Oh, hello, ma’ams!” greeted the boy.

“Hey, kiddo,” Hekuba greeted, “Uh, whatcha doin’ there?”

The boy looked at the paper in his hands, ears pinkening. “Oh, um- I wanted to thank you for helping me with my motion-sickness, but I thought you were sleeping, so I was just going to put this under your door, but…” He reached out with both of his hands, holding out a very nice card on very precious pastel stationary, which was obviously a professionally penned thank-you card.

Lup looked down at it for a long while, before flipping it open. 

 

_ Thank you for being nice to me and using magic to make candy! I really appreciate it!  _

_ Signed, your friend, Angus :) _

 

“Aw,” Julia cooed, leaning over Lup’s shoulder to read it, “That is so sweet, Angus, thank you! You have very good manners.”

“Thank you, ma’am!” Angus perked up, showing off a big gap-toothed grin. “My grandma says it’s important to be polite! I wish I knew I would meet some nice people on this train, or I would have brought some homemade treats! Well, I should be heading back to the passenger car, but it was nice talking to you!”

“Nice to meet you, Angus,” Hekuba said. As soon as he left the room and returned to the other car, Lup gestured to the empty air where he had been, an eyebrow raising.

“That isn’t a little creepy?” she asked, “He was outside our room, where we’d _just_ been talking about him.”

There was a crackle, as Leon’s voice came over the gramophones mounted on the walls.  “ _ Attention, passengers, complimentary brunch will be beginning shortly in the dining car. Everyone is encouraged to attend. Dining cards will be distributed at seating. _ ”

As the door to the passenger car opened again and the small parade of elven guests rushed to the dining car, Julia leaned against the doorway, gesturing after them.

“Well, Lup?” she said. “Here’s your chance. It’s just not a murder mystery without a parlor scene.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little more rising action before the Real Stuff. originally, i wanted to swap angus with june, but for reasons of the "junebug" scene in refuge, i found it hard to think of any way to make that work. this chapter is all me being very much in love with elves. welcome to the elf train! 
> 
> important rolls: lup rolled a nat20 perception check to catch angus watching her. julia rolled a 6 intelligence save to remember lup's fake name, but thankfully lup rolled a 12 bluff check to assist. leon got a 4 to counter, so he doesn't know fuck all about elves.
> 
> angus putting a smiley-face after his name is a reference to me doing the same damn thing every time i have to write my name for like a customer survey. julia's appreciation for good manners is a subtle nod to schmanners. and lup isn't AS MEAN as taako when it comes to cooking, but she has standards, damn it. 
> 
> and in case you were wondering what our wonderful boy detective looks like in this universe, [here](https://78.media.tumblr.com/b9898d0e2b9fdcd2708cb21f9f6d17da/tumblr_p2l3fgZhLQ1r2vneyo1_500.png) he is! i know griffin said he was a young humanboy, but this is important.


	14. Junior Detectives League

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia gets a stomach-ache. Lup breaks magic. Hekuba takes a seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief body horror mention toward the end? there's a gross corpse, it's maybe two lines where i say how weird it is.

There were fewer things that excited Julia more than free food. A complimentary brunch on a fancy train- Even if there was an evil magic relic on it- Was the highlight of her day so far. Her mouth watered as she took in the food decorating the long buffet table, each plate marked with a nametag in pristine looping handwriting. 

At the far end of the table, the elvish woman marked as ‘Sabine’ sat, enjoying eggs and avocado toast. To her left sat the drow, Ash, who poked meagerly at a veggie omelet. Angus, Julia noted with jealousy, had happy face pancakes with big chocolate chip eyes. Her jealousy quickly faded as she spotted her fake name on a tag in front of a plate of sunny side eggs and french toast, which she did not hesitate to shovel immediately into her mouth.

“Jesus, kid, slow it down,” Hekuba sighed, taking her seat. At her place, there was a single cup of black coffee, which seemed to be her usual breakfast anyway. She took a big swig, content with the flavor.

Leon, the train attendant, came in from the direction of the passenger car with a large drink cart. He laughed, amused, as Julia shovelled down her meal.

“I take it as a compliment,” Leon stated, pushing the cart back behind the bar. “Are the meals to everyone’s likings? I do have a small degree of divination and conjuration magics at my disposal, these should be your favorite breakfasts if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yeah, uh, it looks real great, Leon,” Lup said, appreciatively eyeing the plate of strawberry crepes with her name. “You really nailed it with that compote/berry ratio, bud.”

Leon’s ears lifted with the praise, his old eyes twinkling with hope.

Lup was not about to be stood up by another chef. She smiled lazily, leaning back in the cozy dining chair. “Shame, though. I love me some crepes, but ‘cha girl’s been on a diet these last few weeks. Wedding dress fittings, you know?”

Lup reached into the pocket of her cardigan and pulled out a wrapped Crunch bar. She made eye contact as she took a big old crunchy bite of candy.

“ _ I _ don’t have those reservations,” Julia said, her mouth full. She wiped at her mouth with the back of her wrist. “Leon, this is really great. This is just like my dad made them.”

Leon beamed brightly, refilling Sabine’s tea when prompted. Sabine took a sip, then decided to offer small talk with, “A wedding, you said?” And  _ fuck _ , Lup thought,  _ she has one  _ great  _ accent _ . She offered a pleading glance to Julia.

“We’re not exclusive,” Julia immediately said. The best wingman. Hekuba sighed, very deeply.

“Oh! Alright,” Sabine said, eyebrows raising. “Tell me, I’m curious. How did you meet?”

“Craigslist,” said Lup and Julia in conjunction. They high-fived across the table.

“I don’t… What is…?” Sabine looked to the drow for explanation.

“Like a job board,” explained the drow, Ash. “Or for people looking for-” They chanced a look at Angus, finishing discreetly, “ _ Adult friends _ .”

“That’s us: The Kesslers, Adult Friends,” Lup started, quickly putting together a story. “No, but seriously. Funny story, that. She was working a bodyguard job, I was looking for people to rob. Wrong place, right time. She said,  _ is that a knife are am I really that cute- _ ”

“It was a knife,” Julia interjected.

“Hmm, was it?” Lup winked. Hekuba cleared her throat, eyeing the actual child at the table. As if to further remind her two disaster friends that she was also a woman of the cloth, she opened up her holy peacock feather fan, and fanned at herself with it. It had gotten a little warm in here, anyway.

“It’s very, how do you call it… Meet-cute?” Sabine offered. 

“I don’t know if  _ cute  _ is the word I’d use,” Ash remarked, turning their head. “I’d use  _ bullshit _ .”

“Funny thing, meet-bullshit doesn’t roll off the tongue as nice,” Lup shrugged her shoulder. 

Julia set her fork down, leaning forward with her elbows on the table. She was looking a little green, even for a half-orc. 

“You okay, babe?” Lup asked.

“Ate too fast, didn’t you?” Hekuba asked. Julia nodded slowly.

“Yeah, um… I think so. I think I forgot egg yolks make me feel crummy?” Julia admitted quietly, pushing her chair back. “I think I’m gonna go take a nap for a little bit?”

“I should be going, as well,” Sabine politely excused herself, “There is a very challenging word in my crossword. Angus, would you like to help me?”

Angus hopped out of his seat excitedly, following close on her heels toward the passenger car.

“Should we go with her?” Hekuba asked, watching Julia wobble out of the room, her arms folded around her middle. 

Lup nearly agreed, but her ears perked up as she distantly heard Ash ask Leon about the pleasure chamber. She said, “Nope, we’re gonna get a load of that.”

“I’d rather not,” Hekuba groaned, but tagged along anyway.

“And it can go anywhere?” Ash was asking, looking at the closed door with the sign.

“Anywhere with one exit or entrance,” Leon confirmed, pulling a silver wand from his uniform. He closed his eyes, holding out the wand. “Do you have somewhere in mind?”

“I think so,” Ash said with a hum, “My favorite bar. Do I need to describe it, or?”

“No, no,” said Leon. “Just focus on it, and I can open the doorway.”

The doorframe glowed white as Leon channeled a spell into it, the material over the door becoming incandescent and shimmering. Then, the shimmer faded and gave way to a clear room- As though this bar were actually another car on the train. Ash hesitated in the doorway before Leon urged them through- And Ash stepped through the portal.

“Is that…?” Hekuba nudged Lup, gesturing to the bar. There was a large cozy armchair by a fire, a kitschy tiki light hung up on the wall, a booth with a char mark embedded into the wood, and a table in the corner with a large crack down the middle.

“The Lonely Hearts Cantina,” Lup agreed. “Is it… Real?”

“Real as can be,” Leon said, cracking an eye to address them. Inside the portal, Ash stepped behind the bar and poured themself a shot of something neon green, which they tipped back easy as breathing. Leon continued, “That  _ is _ the bar, but it’s also just an echo. Are either of you familiar with arcane science?”

“I have six Ph.D’s,” Lup lied. 

“Apologies, you didn’t sign onto the train as Dr. Kessler,” Leon said, but Lup could tell he didn’t believe her. Truth be told, she maybe only had the  _ one _ Ph.D in Asskicking- A certificable degree from New Elfington University, but she never actually finished the course because brawling outside of sanctioned events was discouraged.

“No, no, tell it to me like a layman, Leon, we’re real horny for knowledge here.”

“As you insist,” Leon sighed. “Echoes are most noticeable between the material and ethereal planes. They’re things that exist in multiple places at the same time, but due to the nature of this demiplane- Forgive me,  _ advanced _ magic theory- Nothing can be taken out of this demiplane, because it already exists somewhere else.”

“Hm,” Lup said. “Nerd stuff. So if Ash gets wasted in there and they come back, are they  _ still  _ wasted?”

“We’re gonna find out,” Ash called from inside the bar.

“I would advise against it,” Leon said, unsteadily. “I’m using your vision of this place to make the portal. If your vision slips, the spell will waver and you will absolutely die.”

Ash stepped out of the portal, groaning and leaning against the wall as they lurched forward. They adjusted their hat, and Leon let out a breath and severed the spell.

“Tipsy?” Hekuba asked, curious.

“Gettin’ there,” Ash responded. 

“Our turn, our turn,” Lup cheered, stepping forward. “Mama’s gonna test this boy  _ out. _ Can it  _ really  _ go anywhere?”

“Anywhere at all,” Leon bragged.

“Anywhere, exactly as it is now. Show me my house,” Lup said. “I got three in mind: Mom’s living room, Auntie’s house, my room. I wanna break this thing.”

“I- Alright, I don’t…” Leon raised his wand to the door, and Lup thought very hard about her homes.

Mom’s house. Tall counters, the white wood floors. Red rug in the living room. Painting of a unicorn from their Great-Uncle Gordi. The doorway did not flicker. That didn't surprise her- Her childhood home probably wasn’t around anymore and she could barely remember it anyway.

Auntie’s house, then. A small, circular hut. Animal skins and bones lining the walls. A big soup cauldron and a stone oven, and a bunk bed in the corner- Just for her. She’d wanted to make a fort, and couldn’t remember if she’d ever gotten around to it. Again, the portal didn’t even appear. 

“Bullshit,” Lup said, “I  _ know _ no one tore that one down, no one could find it. It should still be there.”

“Keep trying,” Leon urged.

The bunk on the moon base. Posters, train sets, labyrinths of clothes. The portal jumped to life, and Lup almost cheered- But then the display staticked over, and she blew a raspberry. Voidfished. She said, “Your magic’s broke, my dude.”

“This shouldn’t be possible,” Leon insisted, smacking his wand against his hand. 

“Why don’t you show us somewhere that  _ does _ work?” Hekuba asked, unimpressed.

“You want to see the extent of this spell,  _ fine _ ,  _ yes _ ,” Leon seethed, channeling a successful portal. On the other side of the door was a long golden room, a hundred feet or more, with banners and tapestries lining the walls. At the far end of the hall, there was a single chair, with arms bearing the hawks of the Sterling family of Neverwinter.

“This is the throne room of Castle Never,” Leon explained, pride influencing his tone, “Perfectly rendered from my own memory.”

“Can you move us closer? I don’t want to have to walk,” Hekuba said. Leon’s tail twitched in agitation and he flicked the wand, giving an effect like zooming in. The throne was maybe twelve feet away, now. Lup ushered Hekuba ahead, content to stay and watch.

The first thing Hekuba noticed was the disorienting nausea. It was like she’d been aware of the world spinning all this time, and only suddenly had it stopped. In the throne room, it was slightly cold and dry, the light from the torches flickering dimly.  _ What kind of ruler didn’t have electric lights _ , Hekuba thought,  _ Even  _ restaurants  _ had electric lights _ . 

“How is it?” Lup called. Sound passed through the door normally, as though she were actually out a door a few feet away.

“Weird,” answered Hekuba. She stepped forward, and hauled herself up and into the throne. Uncomfortable, but it still felt right. She nodded, having done what she came here to do. She left the room without another word.

“Well?” Leon asked, grinning behind his beard.

Hekuba grunted noncommittally. “Eh. Let’s go check on the third musketeer, kiddo.”

“Thanks for the shitty broken magic,” Lup called over her shoulder as they left the dining car. 

The door to their sleeper car was cracked open. Hekuba closed and opened her fan in apprehension, holding her breath as they drew the door open. Julia was laying flat on her stomach- Breathing, obviously, but not moving.

“You good?” Lup asked, afraid to step in.

“My body hates me,” responded Julia’s voice after a second. She sounded miserable. Lup and Hekuba let out a breath they’d been holding. Hekuba squeezed into the space between the benches, looking Julia over for a second.

“Mm, yeah, you look like you’re burnin’ up. Did you puke?”

“Fought it real good,” Julia said. 

“You know what it was?” Lup asked, arms crossing. “Undercooked eggs. Get that Uncle Salm’ in you, this is your week now. Now we get to live with Juli-yuck Burnsides.”

“Please don’t make me laugh,” Julia whined.

“Alright, I’ll fix this,” Hekuba sighed, raising her hands to prepare a charge of  _ lay on hands _ . As she raised her hands, a small voice came from the doorway.

“Um, excuse me, ma’ams?”

The trio turned. For the second time today, young Angus McDonald stood in the open doorway of their sleeper car.

“Hey, kiddo, now’s not a great time,” Julia said. 

“I still have those ginger candies,” Angus offered, swaying back and forth on his feet. “If you wanted them. But, um, that’s not what I’m here for.”

“Later, kid. We gotta get girlie here squared away,” Hekuba denied. “Less crowding.”

“Starting to make this a habit,” Lup observed.

Angus took a breath, before he said, “I’m the world’s greatest detective, I know you’re lying about who you say you are, and you’re all in danger.”

There was a brief silence. Julia slowly sat up to make room for the boy. Lup closed the door behind them.

“Alright, we’re listening?” 

“Okay, well,” Angus kicked his short legs against the seat. “Basically, I’m the world’s greatest detective- I said that part already- But I know what you’re here doing.”

“You know we’re here for a grand relic?” Lup asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Um, I don’t know what you just said, but I imagine it’s kind of inlaid to the whole rest of the mystery here. I don’t know that part, but I know that I was hired last night to track the murderer of the real Leeman Kessler,” Angus said, pushing his vest aside to reveal a little badge pinned to his button-up. “Kessler wasn’t the first victim of this killer.”

The trio shared a look.

“What do you know, detective?” asked Julia.

Angus, delighted at being taken seriously for once in his young life, gave a big gap-toothed smile. “We’ve been calling the murderer the Rockport Slayer, and they’ve been murdering the rich and elite. Leeman Kessler had no history of personal or family wealth- I actually couldn’t find a lot on him, but I’m guessing that’s why you all are here. Am I right to assume that Leeman had valuable cargo in the hold?”

“Good guess, kid,” Hekuba praised.

“Thank you, ma’am, but it really wasn’t that hard a guess. The killer would need a motive, and Leeman’s body had a receipt for cargo transport.” He jolted under Hekuba’s serious look, stammering, “B- But I can accept the compliment, thank you!”

He cleared his throat, continuing, “And so it also makes sense that the killer-” He fell quiet as a shape passed by the frosted glass door, too blurry to make anything out. As the shape passed, he continued, “The killer is someone on this train. You’ve gathered that much, haven’t you?”

“We figured,” Lup agreed.

“Then you also realize that you in particular, ma’am, are in incredible danger?” Angus asked, eyes bright behind his glasses. “At first, I was worried that the three of you showing up and using Kessler’s name were the killers, but you quickly proved me wrong.”

“Because we’re so nice?” Julia asked.

“No- You’re  _ very  _ bad at lying.”

“None of us have Deception proficiency, what do you want from us?” Lup laughed. “We’re bad adults.”

“Well, I actually think that would make you very  _ good  _ adults, but nevermind that. I just want to emphasize how bad you are at lying.” Angus pulled a notepad from his pocket, adjusting his glasses. “There was a notice of suspicion posted from the Rockport train station by a Mr. Tom Bodett, stating that a ticket was signed in the wrong name, which-  _ Really _ ?”

He gave Lup a very disappointed look, which she did not appreciate receiving form a baby.

“Lup,” snapped Hekuba in the same second that Julia groaned her name.

“I panicked!” Lup admitted. “You hand me something to sign, you’re getting an autograph.”

“Thankfully, the transmission never made it out of the station,” Angus continued. “I managed to intercept it before it could reach the authorities in Neverwinter. Train crime is a very serious offense, ma’am!”

“Yeah, I’m not big on cops, so good catch, kid,” Lup thanked.

“So the wrong signature, stories not adding up, using the wrong names,” Angus listed off, “I don’t know how you’ve survived as long as you have on this trip, ma’am!”

“What do you mean?” Lup asked.

“I mean that you’ve already been targeted,” Angus explained. “All three of you. Surely you’ve noticed that Miss… Um... “ He looked at Julia.

“Julia,” Julia offered.

“Miss Julia has been poisoned,” he continued.

“I  _ what _ ?” Julia asked, eyes widening. Hekuba immediately cast  _ lay on hands _ . She shuddered as she took the poison onto herself, and Julia sighed as her stomach finally stopped hurting.

“Your breakfast. I suspect that Miss- Uh,” Angus looked at Hekuba, then sighed irritably, “Can I have your real names, please, to make this conversation easier?”

“Julia, Hekuba, Lup,” Lup explained, pointing to each person.

“Miss Hekuba was also probably poisoned,” Angus continued, “But I suspect her natural dwarven resistance to poison kept it from being noticeable.”

“Come to think of it, I  _ was  _ feeling a little off,” Hekuba admitted, grimacing as she felt some minor stomach cramps from her newfound pronounced ailment. “Coffee’s a bowel stimulant, I just figured-”

“Nooo,” Lup groaned, covering her ears.

“And Miss Lup, you didn’t eat anything at breakfast,” Angus pointed out. “You weren’t aware of this threat, were you?”

“Shit, no,” Lup said, shaking her head. “I just didn’t want Leon thinking he could win me over with some Fantasy Blueberry Hill crepes. So he poisoned us. How do we know he’s the killer and not just a dick who can’t handle his dunks?”

“I can’t actually prove that he poisoned you,” admitted Angus. “I made it to the dining car after Miss Sabine and Mx. Ash, and Leon wasn’t there. He’d gone up to check on the engineer and see if he wanted anything to drink, so his magic was doing the work while he was away. Anyone could have interfered at that point.”

“So, Ash or Sabine, then,” Julia said. “Sabine seemed so nice, though.”

“Look, if she wants to murder me, she can do it,” Lup said.

“Sabine is a well-established prizefighter,” Angus informed them, “And the wounds Leeman and the other victims sustained  _ are  _ consistent with her fighting portfolio. The same could be said of Ash, though- They’re a warlock, with access to some pretty nasty spells.”

“So it’s anybody,” Hekuba sighed.

“It’s anybody,” Angus agreed. 

Down the hall, there was a loud clamor. The lights overhead flickered out for a moment, and there was a muffled shout. 

“Stay here!” Julia called to Angus, leading the charge toward the sound- Toward the dining car. She threw open the door to the connecting hallway, grunting as a solid weight fell back into her. The drow, Ash, slumped limply in her arms. And then Julia saw the scene  _ within  _ the room. At her side, Lup breathed out a swear.

Blood soaked into the gold and green carpeting. A drink cart was overturned and resting up against the wall. In the middle of the small chamber, there was a body: Limbs contorted painfully and curling inward like a dead spider, wearing a red uniform of the Rockport Limited staff, headless and handless with a long gnomish tail tipped in grey hair. 

“I’m gonna go take a siesta,” Lup decided, turning on her heel. Hekuba pulled her back by the britches.

“With all due respect, ma’am, isolating yourself after a murder is a pretty good way to be also murdered,” piped the little voice of Angus.

“Didn’t we tell you to stay back in the room?” Hekuba demanded.

“This is my job, ma’am,” he reminded her, fishing out his notebook and pulling a pen out from behind one long pointed ear. He wrote  _ clues! _ up at the top of the page. “Let’s start looking!”

Lup leaned down over the body, grimacing as she moved the arms aside. She checked his pockets, announcing, “Wand’s not here.”

“Lup, please don’t steal from the recently deceased,” Julia asked. Lup stuck her tongue out. “Wowsers, that looks…  So painful. I don’t think I’ve ever killed someone and had it do  _ this  _ before.”

“This is  _ definitely  _ not normal,” Angus agreed. “The other victims’ bodies didn’t do this.”

“Hek, you’re a healer. What them bones do?” Lup nudged the dwarf, who mumbled something. “Say again?”

“ _ I don’t know how rigor mortis works in gnomes _ ,” Hekuba repeated, “They have unique bone structures. Digitigrade legs, the tails- My curriculum was limited to  _ humanoid  _ humanoids.”

“I would like to point out the absurdity of this situation,” Lup sighed, “We asked our healer, hey, do dead things do this? And she went, fuck if I know. The Director’s gonna have a field day when he finds out that you don’t know how the hell his bones work.”

“So as far as we know, this is normal for them,” Lup repeated, “But I know, for sure, no warlock spell did this. Signature's all wrong, but I can’t nail the portfolio. This was magic I don’t know anything about.”

“So it’s not Leon, it’s not Ash,” Julia counted off, “Lup, I think it’s Sabine.”

“Sabine’s a druid,” Angus shook his head. “We have to be missing something, here.”

“Angus…” Julia paused. “Could we have gotten a stowaway on board?”

“It’s entirely possible,” Angus admitted, rubbing his chin, “The Rockport Limited is usually very thorough with their pre-boarding checks, but we have to keep an open mind to anything. We can check the cargo car? Nobody’s been back there except for the engineer-”

Angus’ ears twitched. He raised his arm up to the ceiling, a spring-loaded miniature crossbow leaping out from his sleeve to rest in his palm. He fired without hesitation, and a terrible screech filled the connector car.

The girls saw it, then, as it scuttled down the side of the wall. A large clockwork beetle, with gaping mandibles and eyes that glowed with the power source from within. Lup scooped Angus up about the waist, carrying him back out the door into the sleeper car hallway. Julia hauled Ash back, while Hekuba slammed the door shut. There was a burst of terrible heat as flames licked at the door, visible through the frosted viewport window. 

The trio of adventurers stood in the hallway, tensed and ready for action. 

“Well,” Angus sighed mournfully, turning in Lup’s arms to look back at the conector car, “There goes all our evidence.”

One large pointed insect leg slammed at the glass window, shattering it. It hooked around the door, frantically tugging inward as the monster tried to break its way through.

“What are we supposed to do?” Julia asked, anxious. “We have no weapons.”

Lup retrieved her umbra staff from the sleeper car, pointing it at the ready. Hekuba assessed her fan for a moment, thinking about the practicality of fans as weapons.

“ _ I _ have no weapons,” Julia corrected.

“In all likelihood? You weren’t gonna hit ‘em with weapons anyway,” Lup taunted. The door buckled again as the beetle tugged inward, and finally the door gave. 

And the mechanical beetle widened its mandibles and screeched loudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i'm so late! i've had a cold for the better part of a week and i've been sleeping at 7 pm like an old man.
> 
> i imagine sabine's accent to be vaguely european, but i can't decide if i want it to be french or spanish. i play calvinball with the port wand because i love magic theory and arcane science in my campaigns. i once created an entire system of magic based on promises, bonds, and life energy. and i like the girls being nice to angus and believing him instantly because they're not being played by older brothers dunking on their younger brother
> 
> important rolls: lup rolled a 14 bluff against a general 15 wisdom check, so no one bought her bullshit story. julia rolled a 15 against poison, so it was mostly stomach cramps. hekuba got a 11 on her lay on hands roll, so she cured the poison but amplified her own discomfort, giving her the 'poisoned' effect for the coming battle. all 3 girls failed their investigation checks with a 7 for julia, a 6 for hekuba, and a 3 for lup. luckily, angus got a 20, so he'll be able to guide this case! hekuba rolled a 2 on medicine to diagnose those bones and she basically went "what the fuck is a bone". lup got a nat20 on arcana, and senses an unknown playbook's spellcasting signature. mysterious!
> 
> that fire crab sure looks different? like a big old scuttlin' buddy friend.


	15. Parlor Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia squashes a bug. Hekuba gets a hug that she actually wants. Lup detectives.

The door to the connector car crashed down, and the metallic scarab in that small scorched room clicked two large pincers together. Hekuba, who historically had bad luck with being grabbed and thrown around by things with big jaws, growled wordlessly, reaching to her hip for an axe that she no longer held.

“Looks like this one’s all] you, Lup,” Julia gestured toward the beetle, “You’re the only one with something sharp.”

“Um, actually, ma’ams,” piped up Angus, who was still being held in Lup’s arms, “I  _ do _ have my crossbow, I could help?”

Hekuba eyed him, unimpressed. “How much HP do you have, kiddo?”

“Yeah, what’s the AC situation for that little sweater-vest?” Lup asked, tapping the boy’s bow tie. He pouted indignantly. “Uh-uh. We’re competent adventurers, we can handle this.”

The scarab screeched again, a warning as two wireframe wings powered by pure electricity opened up from a hatch on the back of its shell. Lup quickly set Angus down, pushing him gently towards the passenger car behind them. 

The beetle’s eyes flashed with a spark of light, and as it squeezed its way through the narrow humanoid-sized door frame, its wings beat against one another. The sound was terrible, and- Worse, amplified by whatever technomancy it was that created this thing. Hekuba clamped her hands over her ears, wobbling as the room shook and a renewed burst of nausea overtook her. Julia and Lup, arguably the two most sound-sensitive members of the party, stood fast.

“Take a breather, old gal,” Lup advised, patting the dwarf on her shoulder. “Let me take a stab at this. With  _ magic _ , I mean.” Three motes of light, a trio of will-o-the-wisps blinked to life around the end of Lup’s umbrastaff. With a flourish of practiced spellcasting, the bolts flew toward the beetle, crashing into a metallic chassis with a trio of small explosions. 

For all it was worth, it didn’t seem to do much. The scarab made a sound, low in its throat (?) like the sound of a motor revving. If Lup had ever heard a motor, of course. 

“You made it mad,” Julia sing-songed.

“I threw magic at it, babe, I didn’t think it was gonna be my new best friend.”

Julia rolled her eyes fondly, and did something foolhardy. She ducked her head, braced herself, and rushed in. Hekuba called after her, but Julia had already committed to the bit. Lup  _ swore  _ that Julia could have been a fighter in a past life as their unarmed rogue put her hands right on the big angry metal bug’s mandibles.

And she ripped them clean off their hinges.

“Why couldn't you have done that when the damn alligator was tryin’ to eat me?” Hekuba called.

“I didn’t wanna hurt it,” Julia whined.

The beetle flitted its wings, slamming its entire weight into Julia as it shoved her through Lup and Hekuba into the far wall, nearby where Angus was still standing. The boy yelped, raising his crossbow and firing a bolt into a glowing gap in the monster’s armor. Time seemed to stop as the beetle turned toward Angus, a white spark of electricity building up from the mangled remnants of the monster’s mandibles.

Hekuba put herself in the middle, taking the hit meant for Angus. Lup’s hand flew over her mouth as the paladin  _ screamed _ , the metal of her armor prolonging the effect of the shock. Julia, her tusks bared in a snarl, drove one of the severed mandibles deep into the bared space between the scarab’s wings. A shudder traveled through the monster’s body, the core inside of it glowing at a supernova brightness. 

Then, just as it seemed it was about to explode, the monster’s image fragmented and disappeared as though it were a trick of the light. Julia’s hand closed around nothing as the mandibles vanished. 

“Where did it go?” Angus asked, looking around anxiously. “Is it invisible?”

“Another illusion,” Julia sighed, “Right, Lup? Like the ogres in the test of initiation.”

“I didn’t notice,” Lup admitted. “I mean, I guess that sounds about right, but this means we’re dealing with a pretty good spellcaster, Jules. We could see through the Director’s illusion magic, and he’s  _ gotta _ be strong.”

Hekuba paused. “Or we’re dealing with someone with a  _ very  _ powerful illusion focus.”

The trio shared a look, cold horror washing over them. Julia pulled her stone of far speech from her pocket, dialing the Director’s stone of Far Speech. He barely had time to get through a greeting before Julia said, “You said there was a relic for every school of magic, right?”

“Hello to you, too, Julia,” sighed the Director, “There’s a relic for  _ seven  _ schools of magic, yes.”

“Is there one for illusion?” 

The other end of the line was quiet for a long time before the Director finally asked, his voice soft, “The Oculus? Julia, are you three dealing with the  _ Oculus _ ?”

“We don’t know yet,” she said, trying to sound reassuring, “But there’s some real fucky stuff happening on this train, sir. We enlisted the help of a child detective, though, so we can probably-”

“A child-” the Director repeated, exasperated, “Okay. Please, just be  _ careful _ , you three. The Oculus can create powerful illusions, yes, but it can also bend anything into reality. You need to stop whoever has it,  _ before  _ they realize the relic’s full potential.”

“Don’t gotta tell us twice, boss man,” Lup announced. She reached over, disconnecting the call. Turning her head toward Angus, she asked, “Okay, kiddo, how much of that did you get?”

“Umm…” Angus scratched his head. “None of it, really…”

“Thanks for trying, Ango,” Julia praised.

“You feeling alright enough to help us set the scene straight?” asked Hekuba, groaning as she shook off the worst of the aftereffects of electrocution. “Chances are that Sleeping Beauty over there saw something, and I think it’s real convenient that Blondie never showed.”

“I’m right here?” Lup pointed out.

“I think she means Miss Sabine, ma’am,” Angus corrected. “I agree that it seems very suspicious, but we can’t accuse everyone we meet of train crime until we have proof. She was in the passenger car last time I saw her. We can talk to her there!”

Julia nodded, hefting up Ash again from their spot on the ground where she had carelessly tossed them. As she and Lup headed back to the passenger car, Angus stayed back with Hekuba for a moment.

“Thank you for saving me, ma’am,” Angus said. He seemed unsure what to do, before finally darting in for a very quick hug- Something that was difficult to do only because at his young age, he was already much taller than she was- and he scampered into the passenger car. Hekuba’s warm smile was hidden by the braids in her moustache. 

As Lup and Julia entered the passenger car, they saw the back of Sabine’s head, bright platinum blonde, right next to the door. She had her back to them. 

“Hey, Sabine!” Lup called. When Sabine didn’t turn, Lup scowled and yelled louder. “Sabine!”

Sabine turned her head, pulling something out of one ear as she gave a polite smile. “Yes?”

“Did you not hear any of that?” asked Julia, pointing back toward the dining car.

“No, I didn’t hear anything?” Sabine informed them. “I was listening to the most interesting program about a pair of writers for the Neverwinter Times, who were investigating the Dragon Cult of Tiamat-”

“Leon is dead,” Lup said. “There was a giant lightning bug, and Ash is down for the count. The only one who wasn’t there is you, and you’re the only one that can corroborate your alibi.”

“Great use of detective buzzwords, ma’am!” Angus beamed. “But still a little fast to jump the gun. Miss Sabine, we’re trying to solve this crime, and any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.” He procured his little notebook from his shorts pocket and pulled a pen out from the curls of his hair. Lup applauded his resourcefulness- She used to smuggle  _ so _ much food that way.

“Leon… Is dead?” Sabine repeated. Her voice was soft. “How terrible. And Ash, are they alive?”

“They’re fine,” Julia reassured her, setting the drow down in the seat opposite of her. “Whoever killed Leon must have cast a spell on them-”

“Or they fainted,” Lup interjected.

“Or they fainted,” Julia agreed.

“Whoever killed Mr. Leon did so in a very unusual way,” Angus drew the focus back to the investigation. “He was beheaded, and his hands were also removed. I know that in your last bout with Ten-Finger Tim, you  _ did _ use your soulbound sword to take off one of his hands.”

“Bet he had to change the name after that, huh?” Lup chuckled.

“That was part of the act,” Sabine insisted, “I would never kill anyone.”

Angus raised an eyebrow.

“Anyone who I was not paid to kill as part of a show,” Sabine continued.

“Wrestling is  _ so  _ different than when I was young,” Hekuba sighed, shaking her head. “What ever happened to hittin’ guys with ladders and those little shorts?”

Lup said, “Oh,  _ now _ you like the little shorts.”

“Alright, ma’am, your story seems to check out,” Angus decided with a nod, “But I’d like if you stayed here while we interrogate Mx. Ash. I want to keep everyone accounted for. Ms. Hekuba, are you able to wake them up with your paladin magic?”

“I don’t know, kid, this is my last spell slot,” Hekuba said, smirking as she cast  _ cure wounds _ . Ash blinked their eyes open as soon as they were stable, as elves did not need to sleep. They looked blearily at the people crowding the table, then pushed themself back just a little bit.

“Uh… Creepy,” Ash remarked. “Crowding much?”

“Can I say it this time, Lup?” Julia asked eagerly. When Lup nodded, she announced, “There’s been a murder!”

Ash’s slate-black skin turned greyish as they paled and dry-heaved. 

“I take it you remember?” Lup asked. Angus gave them a serious pointed look that a child his age should not be able to make. 

“Can you tell us what happened, please?” asked the boy.

“I… Yeah, I think so? I didn’t do it, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“No one’s accusing you,” Angus reassured them.

“ _ Yet _ ,” Julia teased.

“Let me think, um… There’s a lot. I was… In the dining car, making a drink. Leon said he was going to check on the engineer again, and I decided I would wait for him, because my drinks weren’t coming out as good as his did-”

“ _ Those _ are your standards?” Lup scoffed. “Oh, hon, let me whip you up a spiced wine sometime.”

“-And I’d been waiting for a little bit, maybe ten minutes, and I decided I’d just meet Leon halfway back, because he had the drink cart with him. But when I went to the door, there was…” Ash swallowed heavily, “ _ He _ was… I’ve never seen anything like that, and I think I fired off a spell? There was something in there.”

“A big metal bug? ‘Cause we saw it too,” Julia helpfully supplied.

“No, it’s like… It was there, and then it wasn’t. I don’t know how else to explain it,” Ash stammered, “A cloaking spell, maybe? There was just so much blood.”

“Shame we can’t talk to the dead. Leon could help us solve his murder,” Julia sighed. “Lup, you don’t know any necromancy, do you?”

“Uh, only first level grey-necromancy,” Lup said. “So unless you want me to cast  _ ray of sickness _ on the ashes of the crime scene, that’s as necromantic as we’re… Wait.”

“What is it?” Angus asked.

“The beetle was fake,” Lup pointed out. “All the damage it did was  _ also  _ fake, just psychic damage.”

Angus’ eyes lit up. “So because illusion magic is just pretend, it shouldn’t have destroyed the body- It just made us  _ think  _ it did! It might still be there!”

“Worth a shot,” Hekuba decided. “Blondie, Cowpoke, stay here.”

“Sure,” Lup agreed. “I’ll stay here.”

“So help me, Lup, when I come up with a middle name for you, you’re gonna hear it for these shenanigans,” Hekuba swore, tugging on Lup’s cardigan to drag her along. This time as they approached the sleeper car door, they were ready. Across the hall, a previously shattered connector car door appeared untouched. When Lup focused and set her hand against it, she found it to be real. She held her umbra-staff at the ready as Julia opened the door. 

The carpet was still stained with blood, the drink cart was still toppled and lying open in the corner, and a body laid in the middle of the floor. All of it, real. Angus had an expression not unlike pride in his childlike grin. “Great catch, ma’am!”

“And now that we know what to look for,” Lup prefaced, honing her magic sense to assess the body. The whole thing was wobbly with magic energy. “More illusion magic.”

Once she said it aloud, it was so much easier to cut through the haze of the illusion. Crooked and bent gnomish limbs actually appeared to be longer, belonging to a larger race. A hasty modified  _ disguise _ spell was still, at its core, a disguise spell with limitations. Pushing those limits- In this case, a major difference in height and weight between the original and the target- Resulted in a mangled-looking disguise. The head and the hands were still gone, but it was easy to identify the body.

It was right there on the name-tag: HUDSON. But the girls didn’t know that, because they never asked his name. Instead, Julia pieced it together from the ticket stubs in the man’s pants pocket. 

“So this isn’t Leon,” Hekuba said.

“No shit, Angela Lansbury,” Lup snorted. “You’d think you’d have noticed when we un-god-trashed this whole body mess. Uh, by the way, I’m absolutely telling the Director that you thought going glitch mode was  _ normal _ for dead gnomes. Have fun at your remedial biology classes, how have you been  _ healing _ us this whole time.” 

Hekuba gave her a look.

“Then… Leon’s still alive,” Julia repeated. Lup gave her a concerned look, shocked by just how long it was taking her party to accept this.

“Yeah, Jules? He is?” Lup egged on.

“No, Lup, I get that,” Julia pointed out. “I’m saying that Leon’s  _ alive _ and the engineer, who has to touch the safe for an hour to get it to open, is  _ dead _ .” She looked back toward the cargo car. “Leon is our murderer.”

“I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it out!” Angus sighed in relief, “I assumed it would take so much longer than it did!”

When the trio ran past him toward the cargo car, Angus frowned, his head tilting as he watched them. To himself, he said, “Well, I guess it still might take a while? The mystery continues!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy folks! sorry it's been so long! i recently got promoted to full time and was busy with 50 hours of pick-up work this week to fix my coworkers' messes, and tonight is the first time i've had time to just sit down and write.
> 
> important rolls: julia rolled an 18 strength check against scuttle buddy's 3, and ripped its mouth right off, dealing 7 damage. hekuba took 8 damage from scuttle buddy's lightning attack, dropping her down to 10/26 HP. hopefully the final fight doesn't hit too hard! 
> 
> sabine was listening to fantasy 'oh no! ross and carrie'. don't ask me how podcasts work in this universe. they have phones and TVs and interdimensional skype calls, i can have podcasts.  
> the effect i was going for with the illusion on the corpse is basically [this glitch](https://78.media.tumblr.com/dd21d4b3784e63e1798a87c730ccfe3c/tumblr_p3kdqgW8Vh1r2vneyo1_540.png) or, the more extreme version, just plain old god trash  
> weird that lup knows necromancy, huh? hopefully that doesn't mean anything later.


	16. Fair Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia does some investigating. Lup casts some spells. Hekuba goes stuntin'.

Lup and Hekuba stood on either side of the door-frame, their respective umbrastaff and feathered fan held at the ready like actual useful weapons. Julia knelt at the head of the door, pressing her ear up against the steel.

“You know  _ I _ can do that, right?” Lup asked, flicking one ear in reminder. “There’s nothing in there, Jules.”

“I wanted us to look cool,” Julia sighed. 

“You did look really great, ma’ams,” praised Angus, coming to a stop nearby. He was a little out of breath from chasing them down the train. “Your tactics aren’t really sanctioned by any militia force, but it’s all in the aesthetic!”

“You should stick back, kid,” Hekuba waved Angus away with her fan. “Leon’s a murderer, remember? Chances are, he won’t care about hurting you.”

“This  _ is _ technically my case,” Angus hummed, tapping his chin with his fingers. “And if memory serves, there are some  _ pretty  _ hefty fines for interfering in official police business…”

Lup gawked, amazed at this child’s ability for sass and threats. “Alright, Django, you wanna play, you can play. You’re the only one of us with a real weapon that doesn’t double as a convenient tool to use in extreme weather.”

“Thank you, ma’am!” Angus politely gestured for Julia to step aside, and he took her place at the door. “Now, it’s very important that we apprehend Leon. You can’t kill him. The courts of Rockport  _ explicitly  _ want him alive for questioning. That and, if somehow he isn’t the murderer, we aren’t charged with a crime.”

“But he’s totally the murderer,” Julia said.

“I mean, yeah,” Angus agreed. “Everybody ready?”

Lup traced the rune for  _ shield _ against her umbrastaff, humming in agreement. If there was a murderer on the other side of this door? She wasn’t risking it. Julia cracked her knuckles, bracing her foot against the door just under Angus’ hand. Hekuba rolled her eyes, already sensing how big of a disaster this was going to be.

Angus nodded, counting down. “Three. Two. One. Breach!”

The door was a slide door, so it didn’t budge when Julia kicked it. Angus winced at the idea of his entire investigation being compromised, and quickly threw the door open, his crossbow aiming into the room beyond.

It was empty. 

“No!” Lup gasped. She pulled her hat down over her eyes, groaning, “Son of a bitch!”

“He got away?” Julia asked, shaking her head. “ _ Shit _ . We need to call the Director.”

“ _ You _ can be the one to make that call,” Hekuba said, “I’m not telling him we let a relic get taken.”

“Well, hold on,” Angus insisted, pressing his crossbow back into his sleeve. “Let’s investigate before we jump to any conclusions. Let’s think about this logically!” 

Lup groaned again, but uncovered her eyes. “Okay, uh… Julia, you’re a thief. What do you see?”

“I actually specialized in assassin, but I get what you’re saying,” Julia corrected. She studied the room for a second. “The safe is still shut.”

“So the Oculus is safe?” Hekuba asked.

“It’s  _ in _ a safe,” Lup said. Hekuba gave her an annoyed look. “How can that be? If Leon’s using the Oculus as a focus, he would need to have it on him. Unless homie locked  _ himself _ in there so he can hide out after faking his own death, then bolt when the train stops? That’s what I’d do.”

“Let’s think about the logistics of the crypt safe,” Angus encouraged. “It needs one hour of contact with the engineer’s biosignature to open. An hour ago, Leon was preparing breakfast and went back to check on Hudson. He’s certainly had the time to open it, but it doesn’t add up with the timeline of the murder. Ash found the body twenty minutes ago.”

“Nobody said the engineer had to be  _ alive  _ and touching the safe,” Hekuba pointed out. “Little bit of duct tape?”

“Let’s find out,” Angus decided.

The train lurched as they stepped through the doorway. Hekuba, still suffering from a sensitive stomach, gagged. They waited nearby while Julia assessed the crypt safe. 

“No duct-taped hands, thanks for the weird idea,  _ Hek _ ,” Julia called. She tugged uselessly at the metal tumblers on the front of the vault, shaking her head. “Locked up tight.”

“And as I suspected, there are no fingerprints,” announced Angus, pushing his little dusting kit back into his messenger bag. 

“Like at all?” asked Julia. 

Angus shook his head. “Not even the ones you made tugging on the handle.”

Lup took a second to assess the magical energy of the room. All trains were beautiful works of magic, naturally, but this in particular was overt magic, and Lup was getting good at detecting illusion magic. She announced, “ _ Minor illusion _ , centered there.” As she observed it, it was easier to tell that the sound of the train on the tracks was choppy and inorganic, like a record on repeat.

“It just makes the sound of a train? We’re  _ on _ a train,” Julia pointed out. “Leon really is a shitty wizard.”

“I don’t think so,” Hekuba disagreed. “He’s  _ good _ . We’re not on the train anymore.”

Angus grinned, bouncing in his spot. “Good work!”

“Uh, have you tso lost your minds?” Lup asked, pointing to the caboose door. “We’re still on the train. If I open that door, we’ll fly right off the damn thing.”

“Try it,” Hekuba challenged. Lup raised her eyebrows, but was not one to turn down a challenge. She maintained eye contact with Hekuba as she approached the door, and tugged the handle. 

“Uh,” Lup said when the door didn’t budge. Not like it was locked, either- Like it was welded shut. At her confusion, Julia decided to help, but the door didn’t budge. This was a really bad day for doors to do their job.

“Okay, explain?” Lup asked.

“Only one exit, only one entrance,” Hekuba said. “You didn’t go into the pleasure room, but it felt like this, too. You notice we're not moving?”

“Oh, shit,” Julia gasped, rubbing her face. “So this isn’t the real cargo car! Leon covered the doorway,  _ he’s _ in the real car!”

“Not for fucking long,” Lup decided. “Really wish I knew  _ dispel magic _ , that’d show him. Or it’d kill us instantly.”

“I think that one,” Angus agreed. “It’s really unsafe for us to stay here too much longer, then.”

“Let’s bounce,” Lup decided, leading the retreat. There was another lurch as they passed through the doorway- The very  _ real  _ feeling of the train moving underfoot. Angus hopped his way over to the intercom over by the door, which had a sticker that clearly said ‘For Personnel Use Only’. Because all of the personnel on this train was either dead or the murderer, he felt it was okay to bypass the rules.

“Would Miss Sabine and Mx. Ash please meet us in the Dining Car?” he asked. Then, to the girls, Angus giggled, “I’ve always wanted to use one of those!”

Forty-five seconds later, the two other passengers poked their heads through the frame and entered the dining parlor. Ash still looked noticeably shaken by the blood in the connector car, and Sabine looked like she may have been napping or something. 

“What gives, kid?” asked Ash. “Where’s the murderer?”

“In the cargo car,” Lup informed them. “Except it’s blocked off, so we can’t get in there.”

“Ma’am, this is a dramatic parlor scene,” Angus whined. “You can’t have a detective story without a parlor scene!”

“My bad,” Lup shrugged. “Alright, pumpkin: Your time to shine.”

Angus pouted at her, before puffing himself up with a big breath and saying, “ _ Leon _ is the killer. He killed the engineer to steal the valuables in the safe, and he’s still back there right now. We just need to get to him.”

“Great, so here’s the plan,” Julia started, but Angus cleared his throat. She smiled at him. “What?”

“Don’t you want to solve the crime?”

“Uh, Leon did it. Case closed,” Hekuba said.

“Yes, but as detectives, it’s important that we know  _ how _ Leon killed the engineer,” Angus egged on. 

“Angus?” Lup started, “You’re a real lovable nephew character, but uh, Auntie Lup doesn’t have time to play. Or better yet: We’ll play after we get the Oculus away from his guy and save the world.”

Angus blinked at them. “I didn’t hear-”

“Yeah, I figured that’d get lost in translation. How do we get to the caboose?” Lup asked. She pointed to Ash. “You.”

“You walk through the door,” they answered.

“Door’s blocked off, it’s like you’re not even  _ listening _ . Sabine?”

Sabine had her earbuds in again. Lup looked expectantly to Julia and Hekuba. Hekuba seemed to think of something, and she winced. Lup asked, “What’s that look? I like that look.”

“This train has windows,” Hekuba started, gesturing to a nearby window. The outside of which was dark, as though they were going through a tunnel. “I was thinkin’... God, we can get to the roof?”

“It’s dangerous, but it  _ could  _ work,” Angus agreed, pulling out a pocket-watch. “I make this trip a lot, so I’m pretty familiar with this route. Once we exit this cave, there’s going to be about ninety seconds before we enter another cave-  _ That’s  _ where someone can maneuver to the caboose doors.”

“I can do it,” Julia volunteered.

“Nuh-uh, sit your ass down,” Hekuba decided. “ _ I’m _ going.”

“You?” Lup asked. “You're not exactly  _ fast _ .”

“No, but if I don’t make it in ninety seconds, it’s gonna be a lot less of a mess for the clean-up crew to deal with,” Hekuba decided. “That’s how I live my life.”

“Morbid,” Lup decided. “Alright, how do we get you up there?”

“Punch out a window, tie a rope around her, and just let her loose like a perfect dwarven kite?” Julia suggested. “Either that or have Toni launch a pod into us to stop the train.”

“Bad idea,” Lup decided. “Dwarf kite it is. Get her suited up.”

“I didn’t agree to this half of the plan?” Hekuba pointed out as Julia ran back to the Sleeper car for her backpack, returning a moment later with a length of rope. Lup shrugged at her and headed over to the window, forcing it open with the tail end of her umbrastaff.

“Um, ma’am, doesn’t this seem overly dangerous?” Angus asked. “You seem to be approaching the idea of dying with a very avant-garde attitude…”

“We’re a very avante-garde group,” Lup told him. Hekuba approached the open window, apprehensive. Lup smacked her forehead. “Wait, hang on! Shit.”

“What?” asked Julia, tightening the rope around Hekuba’s middle. Hekuba had one arm already braced on the windowsill.

“I know  _ spider climb _ ,” Lup realized. “Oh my God, we almost killed you. You can just walk across the top! The rest of us will wait at the cargo car door for the pleasure room spell to drop, and then we’ll all get the jump on Leon.”

“Smart,” Julia agreed. 

“I don’t know why I’m not as angry as I should be,” Hekuba sighed. “Too old to do shit like this.” 

There was a flash of light as the train sped out of the cave. Outside the window, there was a long drop and a view over a beautiful natural basin. Lup cast her spell, and Julia quickly shoved the dwarf out the window. As though by magnetism, Hekuba’s feet planted themselves firmly on the metal hull of the train. She stood at a ninety degree angle, her hair and clothing buffeted by the wind, but her body not budging.

“We’ll wait at the door, get a move on!” Lup shouted, pulling her head back inside.

Looking over her shoulder, Hekuba could see the next mountain range a while ahead. There wasn’t time to dick around. She pressed ahead, slowly. The wind may not have been moving her, but it certainly didn’t make her life any easier. Every step was met with protest by the train’s movement. 

Carefully, she dragged herself over the gap of the narrow connector car, and pulled back around onto the body of the cargo car.  As Hekuba pulled her body around the other side to face the caboose door, she found it unguarded. Leon didn’t expect anyone to try a plan this foolhardy, she supposed. As she set herself down onto solid ground once more, re-orienting herself to the way normal gravity worked, the sky overhead went dark as the train entered the next cave system.

With a quick prayer to Hera for not throwing her ass into a train-shaped blender, Hekuba held her breath and slowly slid open the rear door. 

This cargo car was different to the illusory car, in that this crypt safe was blown wide open. It had been toppled onto its side somehow, with belongings scattered across the cabin. Hekuba could see her axe from here, near a briefcase that had been opened to reveal a porcelain tea set- White, decorated with pink and yellow flowers. Several items were broken, having been thrown carelessly. 

Near the door on the other side was Leon- Still in his uniform, still very much alive, with his arm outstretched, casting a spell over the doorway. His back was to her. 

As with all things, there was a downside. An alarm sounded within the room as Hekuba breached the doorway- A security system, put in place by the designers of the train to thwart burglary attempts. Hekuba swore as Leon’s shoulders jumped, and he turned toward her. His spell faded over the door to the dining car, showing the rest of the passengers on the other side. Lup cheered while Julia let out a relieved breath at not accidentally killing their friend.

Hekuba didn’t feel the same relief. The look that Leon fixed her with was downright terrible, that same hard gleam in his eyes as Gundren had in the moments before he’d been consumed by the Gauntlet. 

Over one of his eyes, Leon wore a monocle of rose-colored glass, rimmed with gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one took so long!!! i got a new laptop and lost access to a lot of my stuff, so I had to kind of conspiracy-board my shit back together until i remembered that i had back-ups! this chapter is kind of all fairly close cut-and-paste legwork, and it's kind of short for my usual brand so it doens't feel...... especially good and i'm not super proud of it, but next chapter? has some stuff.
> 
> important rolls: julia rolled a 5 to try and break the door, which was not enough, so imade it a slide door. lup got a 14 on her arcana check, letting her the minor illusion spell. hekuba rolled a 20 somehow on arcana, so she could tell that this was a pleasure room. hekuba rolled a 13 dex save to cross the train in time, which was just above the DC needed- i don't know if i would have killed her, but she'd definitely get pachinko'd around like a dwarf-sized pinball and be out of commission for the rest of this arc. dwarves are tough stuff, even if they do only have like 1/3 their HP left.
> 
> i don't think it's too unusual that hekuba would offer to take this risk that's almost guaranteed to kill her.......... also my entire strategy for these girls detective-ing is a result of me marathoning b99. angus has had the crime solved for about 15 minutes now, but he's just humoring his new friends.


	17. Off the Rails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia does a sneak attack. Lup faces her fears. Hekuba negotiates.

Hekuba may not have had any extra charges of her evil-sense, but she didn’t need it to tell that Leon was  _ long _ gone in there. Behind him, she could see Lup and Angus, raising their respective weapons. Julia, unarmed, took up the best imitation of Hurley’s defensive stance that she could. In the back of the group, Ash and Sabine shared a look- Debating whether or not they wanted to get involved in whatever they’d found themselves in.

But Leon hadn’t noticed them yet. 

“What,” the gnome said, “The  _ hell _ , are you doing here.”

“Guessin’ you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was also here to steal somethin’ out of the safe?” Hekuba offered. “In fact, I need that fancy piece on your face.”

Lup and Julia met eyes and seemed to devise a plan. Julia had that look in her eye that she got when she was serious. Lup dramatically rolled her eyes, begrudgingly readied her last spell slot, and let three magic missiles orbit around the tip of her umbra staff.

“After all the hard work and chicanery I had to suffer through to get this, do you really think I’d just give it up?” Leon asked. The glass seemed to glint in the light. “Here are my conditions. Among your friends, you were easily second most awful. I am willing to overlook that,  _ if  _ you keep walking and pretend you never saw me here, and you finish your trip as expected. I’ll even stop the train, as to not kill everyone onboard.”

Julia was right behind Leon now. She glanced up to meet Hekuba’s eyes. She held her position.

“Let’s say I don’t. What’s your plan, little guy?” Hekuba said. She abruptly became aware of the sensation of something warm against her back. The light from the doorway behind her faded. Hekuba slowly looked up, into the burning glare of the clockwork minotaur. It huffed out a cloud of steam into her face.

And unlike the clockwork beetle from the hallway, there was no illusion to see through, here. This was real- A creation brought to life by thought. She looked back at Leon, who grinned smugly and adjusted the monocle.

“I’ll take those odds,” Hekuba decided. 

Several things happened at once: Julia brought her elbow down onto Leon’s head, knocking him to the ground with a terrible  _ crack _ that made Hekuba wince. Lup loosed her spell, the three magic missiles darting across the car to strike the minotaur in its chest. Angus’ crossbow bolt just barely caught one of the gaps in the armor and embedded itself in some of the machinery there.

And then the minotaur charged. Hekuba ducked into the space under its legs, feeling the heat as it rushed over her. Julia, being bigger, wasn’t as lucky. There was an audible wheeze as the automaton pummeled into her and scraped its horns across the length of her stomach.

Hekuba grabbed her battleaxe from the scattered belongings around the room, savoring the weight in her palms again as she hefted it into the back of the minotaur. With a flash of holy blue fire, the axe cut a deep slash into the metal hull of the creature, exposing several ticking inner workings. 

Lup weighed her options. She was out of spells, but she had a feeling that a good  _ shocking grasp _ might do some damage. Before she could talk herself out of it, she darted ahead, sparks dancing on her fingertips when something caught around her ankle and sent her tumbling to the ground. The wiry length of Leon’s gnomish tail uncurled from her ankle as he dizzily rose to his feet, fixing her with a look of absolute malice. 

“Uh,” she started lamely. “No hard feelings, right?”

The lens of the Oculus glinted again, and the rest of the world fell away. Lup blinked, sitting up in a black space. She looked around, seeing only the same darkness in every direction. When she stood, it was on shaking legs.

“Alright,” she said to herself. “This is fine. It’s just the dark. You’re a hundred years old, you’re not- not scared of the dark. What kind of bullshit would that be?”

Her ears twitched as she heard something behind her, like something boiling. As she turned, she found areas of the darkness bubbling up against some border she couldn’t see. The more she focused, the more she could tell that they weren’t walls keeping her in, as much as pillars that fell from a dark sky, streaked from within with flashes of reds and greens and golds. She felt a lot more claustrophobic than she had a moment ago.

A million pairs of white eyes opened in the sky above- And Lup screamed.

But no one else saw this happen. Instead, there was the thud as Lup hit the ground, her weak attempt at calming Leon, and her expression went catatonic. Leon didn’t move either, save for his expression- A terrible grin, which grew larger as he sustained the spell. 

Angus couldn’t stand to let that happen. He loosed another bolt from his hand-crossbow, holding his breath as it struck Leon’s shoulder and buried in deep. The fog over Lup’s expression faded, but it was as though someone had just pressed the ‘play’ button on something that had been paused for a long time. Lup cut off the end of a shout, her knuckles white-gripped around the handle of her umbrella. She couldn’t seem to catch her breath.

“You okay, kid?” Hekuba called. The dwarf had to scurry again Julia caught her hands on the minotaur’s horns and wrenched its head aside, sending the whole monster to the floor in a heavy throw. Julia laughed victoriously at this unceremonious display of cow-tipping.

“I’m cool,” Lup insisted, her voice shaking. “Angus, how badly do you need this guy alive for your investigation?”

The boy started at being addressed. “Um, well, after the suspect initiates a fight, we don’t have any duty to-”

“Rad,” Lup said. The gemstone on her hat glimmered in the light as a layer of flame surrounded her outstretched hand. “Hey, Leon? I’m going to  _ fucking  _ kill you now.” 

While Gundren went out in a dwarf-sized nuclear fireball, Leon burned out like a sheet of flash paper. There was a moment where the flames circled the air around him like vultures, and then he was gone. The Oculus clinked against the ground as it fell, unharmed. Without Leon’s magic sustaining it, the minotaur simply blinked out of existence.

“Did we do it?” Julia asked.

“Almost,” Hekuba said, eyeing the Oculus at Lup’s feet. “You got it?”

Lup knelt down, reaching out for it.

_ Holy shit! That was really impressive, _ the voice of the relic praised in her head. It was a different voice from last time- Higher pitched, genuinely kind of proud.  _ You shook off a Fear spell like it was nothing. It’s that kind of clear-headedness and determination that I’m looking for in a person. _

Unfortunately, that clear-headedness came from a place of shock and horror. It was all too easy for the Oculus to slip its influence into Lup’s mind. 

“Lup?” Hekuba called again. “ _ Damn it. _ ” She snatched the relic out of Lup’s hands, saying plainly, “We’re not interested,” as she shoved it into her pocket. Lup shook her head, blinking a few times.

“Okay, that sucks. Julia, I officially lose the right to bully you about the glove.”

“Um, ma’ams?” Angus interrupted. “I won’t pretend to understand anything that just happened, but what are we supposed to do about the train? We only have about ten minutes before we’re supposed to reach Neverwinter, and with the engineer dead…”

“Oh, god, we’re gonna crash,” whimpered Ash.

“What the fuck were you doing? Where were you two when we were dying?” Hekuba demanded. “If we crash, it’s your own damn faults.”

“We’re not gonna crash,” Lup said.

“Did your weird roommate teach you how to drive a train?” Hekuba countered.

“Not this model,” Julia sighed.

“But, you can’t crash what isn’t there,” Lup continued, picking up a silver wand from the scattered loot on the floor. “Port wand, babes. We banish the train to the shadow realm… And by shadow realm, I mean the only place we know for sure this gateway opens to: Lord Neverwinter’s Spooky Manor.”

“Do you think you can figure out how to use that thing?” Julia asked. 

“It’s a wand with one job. I think I can figure it out,” Lup said. “Jules, you think you can jimmy open the door near the conductor’s car? We’re gonna have to bounce real quick once I cast the spell.”

“I can probably figure it out,” Julia agreed. “Everyone gather your stuff and get ready to roll out!”

Lup and Hekuba waited in the cargo car while Julia started for the head of the train. While the other passengers gathered their belongings- Sabine recovered a tall kokoshnik tiara, while Angus fretted over a few broken plates in his tea set. Ash stepped out with a fine bottle of port wine. 

“Are you good?” Hekuba asked.

Lup sighed. “Chaotic good, we’ve been over this-”

“I mean emotionally,” the dwarf growled. “I don’t know what Leon did, but it seemed like it really, y’know, shook you up.”

“Oh.” Lup’s ears fell, but she perked them up again. “Yeah, I’m good. I don’t even remember what it was.”

“You say so,” Hekuba shrugged one shoulder. She nudged Lup forward. “Let’s go check on the big girl, see how that door’s going.”

Julia finished undoing the locking mechanism just as they met her in the front car. She slid the door open, the wind buffeting her hair and clothing as she peeked her head out. “How long do we have, Ango?”

“Um..” Angus checked his little silver pocket-watch. “Not too much longer. You know, I’m really getting the feeling that throwing the train into an interdimensional hole is going to compromise my investigation. Are you sure there’s no way we can just stop the train normally?”

“Nope, we’re gonna throw it into the void,” Lup said.

“And if it goes real bad, into the voidfish,” Julia continued. She squinted, leaning forward a little bit. “Okay, I _think_ I see the city gates. You ready, Lup?”

“Fuck it, why not? I have no more spell slots, uh, so all of you are just pretty much jumping,” Lup briefed the crowd. “If I don’t make it, tell the Director to make a giant fucking statue in memory of how sick this is gonna be. Okay. Break!”

Up ahead, probably two hundred feet, the gates of Neverwinter stood to welcome people to the city of skilled hands. Lup extended the wand, and nodded for the others to begin the evacuation. Sabine stepped off without hesitation, stumbling for a moment before catching her footing. Ash landed nowhere near as gracefully, rolling down the track for a while.

“Angus, you can come with me,” Julia decided. She lifted the boy before he had a chance to respond. 

“Hold the back of his head, please,” Hekuba insisted. “Use your damn rogue training and land  _ good _ .”

Julia jumped off. Hekuba winced as she botched the landing, but thankfully Angus looked completely unharmed. He waved after the train.

“Old lady,” Lup urged.

“Make sure you get off the train, kid,” Hekuba ordered, patting Lup on the thigh. “I don’t care if it crashes into the train station, we can always erase the evidence. We need a wizard, and I don’t want it to be ‘Ol Juicy.”

“And  _ you’re  _ a lawful good paladin?” Lup asked, eyebrows raising. Hekuba snorted and stepped off, landing almost as gracefully as Sabine had.

And now it was time to focus. Arcane theory and testing new magics was always Lup’s favorite thing. She reached out to the magic within the wand, and pointed it at the gates of Neverwinter. Illusion magic was never her forte. Evocation, that was old news. Transmutation, easy street. Enchantment? Needed some solid work. But illusion was  _ always  _ tricky.

Lup focused all of her energy on this spell, the thrum of magic in her head quickly turning to a rapidly approaching migraine. Slowly, from the center of the gate outward, the station disappeared from sight. Instead, there was the throne room of Castle Never, and the long stretch of hallway like a continuation of the track. It was wavering, but she only had to hold on for a few more seconds.

She couldn’t shake the phantom feeling of a second hand wrapped around hers, holding the wand. 

Finally, the image solidified into something corporeal, and Lup took that as her cue to finally use her Goddamned Larry Bird Boots and leap the hell out of Dodge.

She hit the ground, hard, spitting dirt and blood out of her mouth where she’d bit her tongue. Still, she scrambled onto her side to watch the train disappear through the portal, bringing actual hell and mayhem into the seat of the Lord of Neverwinter. Then, as it seemed the train was about to breach the far wall of the illusory castle, the spell reached the end of its limits and dissipated with a comically small  _ pop! _

The crowd gathered at the train station let out a collective sigh of relief, which quickly turned into a cheer of celebration. Lup let herself roll all of the way over onto her back, sighing in relief. Her respite was short-lived, however, as the shadow of Angus fell over her.

“Blocking the sun, kiddo. Elf’s gotta recharge,” Lup sighed. 

“Sorry, ma’am,” Angus said, and stepped a little bit to the side. “I just wanted to say thank you for helping me with this case. I didn’t expect a lot from any of you, honestly, but I’m always pleasantly surprised to be proven wrong!”

“Have you ever heard of a thing called a backhanded compliment?” Lup asked, sitting up. “And I guess you… Helped us, too. Even though we mostly solved that whole case by ourselves. And when we open our own detective agency, we’re gonna fuckin’ crush you.”

“I find that both laughable and highly unlikely, but I welcome the challenge!” The boy grinned, turning his attention when someone called his name. The actual tiniest, oldest woman that Lup had ever seen, waved him over. “Oh! Sorry, ma’am- I have to go, my grandma is here!”

As he ran off to join her (And as Lup batted away the feeling of jealousy at seeing this little elven kid being greeted with a big hug and a kiss on the forehead), Julia and Hekuba helped her back to her feet.

“We did a good job today,” Julia announced. “I think we actually saved the day, and no one got hurt except for the engineer.”

_ That  _ was around the time the militia showed up to announce that the Lord of Neverwinter had just been killed in some freak train accident. 

Lup couldn’t drag them all away fast enough before calling a lift back up to base. It was awkwardly tense on the whole ride back, but the sense of responsibility at this horrible act faded as the pod disappeared into the simulacrum of the second moon. 

Antonia greeted them as the pod unsealed itself, but she did so in the form of a raised eyebrow and a pointed, “ _ Really _ ? You destroyed another one of my pods?”

“It’s all cool, we had insurance,” Julia said. “Toni, you missed it! It was the coolest! There was an alligator, and I got poisoned, there was a little boy-”

“Did you get the relic?” she asked. 

“In my bag,” Hekuba told her.

“You guys… You’re incredible,” she sighed. “You should get to the Director, then. He’s been down here every twenty minutes, he’s like a mother hen.”

“Shit- That’s right, we get paid for this!” Lup smacked her forehead. “I did not almost die not to get paid.”

It took only a few minutes to get to the grand hall, but they actually met the Director at the door. It looked like he was about to head to the hangar again. His mouth fell open, and he said, “You’re all in one piece.”

“Not for lack of tryin’,” Hekuba returned. 

“You have the Oculus?” he asked, turning on his heel to gather them all inside. The relic disposal squad was already standing by the chamber, the lead ball and the protective suit at the ready.

“Yeah. That thing sucks,” Lup said. “Thankfully, it chose a really shitty wizard to hide behind.”

The Director watched as Hekuba dropped the monocle into the lead sphere, standing for a long moment at the window before giving the signal to destroy it. He said, “The Oculus is one of the worst relics. Think of anything in the world- And  _ before  _ you blurt out your answer, this is not a question for open answer.”

The trio closed their mouths.

“The Oculus Lens can take anything directly out of someone’s imagination, and make it a reality.”

“But that could be so good,” Julia said. “You could make enough food to feed every person in the world.”

“You could also create a black hole strong enough to destroy the entire world, if you wanted to,” the Director fired back. “It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, Julia, the relics are just too powerful for anyone to resist.”

“But  _ we  _ resist them,” she insisted. “You said we’re the only people who have ever done that.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Lup insisted. “I mean, that first one was easy street, but this one almost got me. I don’t think we  _ can _ resist them a hundred percent of the time. It’s better that we break the hell out of these things.”

The disposal team wheeled out the sphere again, still smoldering with the power of whatever force was being used to destroy it. The Director met Julia’s eyes, and said, “I would advise against having this conversation again, Miss Burnsides. On a more pleasant note, I do have payment for you.”

Julia turned her head towards the Director’s office, startling as the tiefling, Troth, was an inch away from her face. She staggered back, covering her heart, “Jeez! Has she been there the whole time?”

“No, she just got here. Troth, can you show them their reward?” asked the Director.

Troth obediently knelt, raising a silver platter with three bags full of coin- 700 each. The Director smiled as Lup cheered. 

“Now!” He said, clapping his hands together. “After the long day you had, I’m sure you could use some rest. The three of you are under twelve hour quarantine, beginning now. Captain’s orders.”

“Director’s orders,” Hekuba corrected.

“Of course,” he responded, belatedly. “Now get the hell out of my office and get some sleep. You’ve earned it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a way longer hiatus than i planned on having? whoops! i'm trying to update once a week, but it's kind of getting away from me with full-time work and DM stuff. no worries, though- i'm keeping this going if it kills me!
> 
> important rolls: julia rolled a 16 stealth against leon's 11 passive perception, and a 17 to hit him Real Hard. due to some rogue bullshit stacking with half-orc stats, she dealt 14 damage with an unarmed strike and brought leon to half health. lup rolled a 3 to resist fear, and i kind of modified the spell's effects narratively in giving lup the paralyzed status instead of frightened (because elves have resistance to being charmed). lup rolled max damage against leon. lup rolled a 6 against the oculus, who had a 16 to thrall her. hekuba nat 20'd the will save. julia rolled a 14 acrobatics to land (not bad!), hekuba got a 17, and lup got an 8....... lup also got a 12 to cast using the port wand, but uh. i have my reasons for making it work ;) and the umbrastaff didn't do anything when leon died because, as an artificer, he didn't have a spell focus- just the oculus. and i refuse to abide by any "eating relics" nonsense
> 
> and since i live by rules and stat sheets, how about i share some with the class?   
> [julia](https://78.media.tumblr.com/b4bf80af8d30efa1764d43fd453ba95e/tumblr_p53oaaX5bB1r2vneyo1_540.png)  
> [hekuba](https://78.media.tumblr.com/a613bf5349ca0b0d9ed4a58ce1193b2f/tumblr_p53oaaX5bB1r2vneyo2_540.png)  
> [lup](https://78.media.tumblr.com/d3adf660aa8912df691c96a6994ece5f/tumblr_p53oaaX5bB1r2vneyo3_540.png)


	18. Shadowed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julia takes on a mission. Lup gets a friend. Hekuba has a funny feeling.

It came as no surprise that the high-tech Bureau of Balance moonbase headquarters was also magicked straight to hell. For the last week, the various shops and sundry had been shifting and moving aside in preparation for the coming Midsummer Solstice festival, leaving a wide courtyard with room enough for carnival tents and vendor shacks and several terrifying inventions of Antonia’s creation, which she joyfully referred to as  _ carnival rides. _

There had to be three hundred people here on the moon base, all wearing the silver bracers. Hekuba had no idea there were so many other employees. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t wear a costume,” Julia sighed at Lup. “That’s the most fun part about the holiday! Even Hekuba dressed up.” She gestured ahead at the dwarf, who seemed to be some sort of armored cowgirl princess (?), judging by the golden lasso on her hip and the golden tiara. There was an unsettling amount of thigh showing. 

“I  _ did  _ wear a costume,” lied Lup. “I’m  _ obviously  _ Dr. Sam Beckett from Fantasy Quantum Leap.”

“You’re dressed like you,” Julia pointed out. Lup winked and clicked her tongue.

“What’s your excuse?” snorted Hekuba. She quickly pulled Mavis aside and redid one of her pigtails- It wouldn’t do for Ruby Rochester, Junior Lawyer to have messy hair. Mookie, who wanted to be a lizard today, took full advantage of Lup’s  _ spider climb _ spell and started to scale his way up the body of the ferris wheel. Julia fished him off the wall by his leg. “Seems us dwarves are the only ones with any holiday spirit.” 

“I’m a  _ lumberjack _ ,” Julia insisted. She gestured at her outfit, which was the same as usual: A plaid shirt tucked into jeans and boots, with her axe at her hip. She was wearing a pair of suspenders, which was the only non-standard item here.

Mookie wriggled around in Julia’s grasp, coiling around her forearm. He pointed eagerly to a roller coaster that spanned the entirely of the moon base, even dipping off the edge over the world below. “I wanna go on that one, Mama!”

“Might be a little small for that one, firebrand,” Hekuba said. She wasn't crazy about heights. Mookie sighed, long-suffering, and hung limply off of Julia’s arm.

“I can take him,” offered someone in a white ram’s skull mask. They shifted the mask aside, revealing the round, smiling face of Hurley. “Sloane’s taking a break after I made her go on the teacups six times. I can use  _ qi _ to keep his butt in his chair. I’m a very effective babysitter.”

“Can I go too, Mom?” Mavis begged. She remembered herself, clearing her throat and straightening out her little business vest. “I mean. As Ruby Rochester, I have to make sure the ride is, um, up to code.”

“Yeah, yeah, have fun,” Hekuba waved them on, watching Hurley get dragged along behind two excitable children. 

“You know she’s gonna buy them a lot of candy, right?” Lup asked. “That’s a problem for you to deal with later. So, I’ve never...Been to one of these deals before, what do people…  _ Do _ , here? Just walk around and buy food?”

“Well, yeah,” Julia agreed, “There’s the rides, the food, there’s games-” Julia turned her head, attention catching at the prize booth. She gasped and pointed wordlessly to the top prize:  A Fantasy Costco brand teddy bear that was almost as big as Julia herself. “We have to get him.”

“We don’t have room for it,” Lup pointed out. “Between our beds, Graham’s model trains, the assorted laundry mess, and my haunted dolls, where is he gonna live, Julia?”

Julia was already gone. She made her way across the fair-yard to the prize booth, which was being tended to by Jenkins. He appeared to be dressed like some sort of fancy butler. He groaned as she approached, rubbing his forehead. Before she could say anything, he started, “Miss Burnsides, I am not operating the gachapon today, I cannot answer any inane questions about its contents and whether or not you can buy them.”

“I’m not here for that, Jenkins.” Julia gestured to the bear. “I’m here for him. How much for him?”

“Ten thousand tickets.”

Julia laughed, “Oh, no, I mean in grown-up money. “

Jenkins sighed, long-suffering. “Did you not hear what I  _ just  _ said about not buying things? You earn prizes here based on whether or not fate gives them to you- The gachapon is ruled by random probability, and the tickets are earned through skill and luck. If you earn ten thousand tickets, the bear is yours.”

Julia looked up at the giant bear, propped over the booth. “I’ll be back for you,” she promised. She retreated back to Lup and Hekuba, who she found at a food stall with Sloane and Rowan. Sloane had a sleek black masquerade mask stylized after a raven, while Rowan seemed to be dressed like a sheriff.

“Can’t help but notice you don’t, uh, have the giant bear?” Lup pointed out. “Jenkins give you a big fat nope-a-rooski on that?”

“I’ll find a way to get him, even if I have to steal him myself.”

“Or you could just… You know, play the games and win tickets?” Rowan suggested, “I’ll even help you. I’m really good at the ring toss.”

Sloane offered. “Don’t bother with the milk bottles- That guy’s shady as hell. I  _ know _ Hurley should have knocked down that bottom one.”

“You’re a rogue, can’t you just… Wire the skee-ball machine? Infinite tickets?” Lup asked.

“And  _ cheat _ ?” Julia asked. “Lup, I am appalled at the idea, and also I tried that when I was a teenager. It shocked me really hard.”

“So let’s lay out the plan,” Hekuba started, deciding to join in the fun. “Rowan, ring toss is all yours. Sloane and I will do skee-ball, ‘cause I don’t trust you two not to cheat. Julia, they got one of those strength tester deals. Lup, what do you want to do?”

“Watch this train-wreck in slow motion,” she offered.

“That was last week. You any good at darts?”

“You five sound like you’re enjoying yourselves,” the voice of the Director said behind them. As always, he was accompanied by Troth, who seemed to be curiously enjoying the festivities. Her tail swished happily behind her, despite her blank expression. 

“Howdy, Captain,” Rowan greeted with a wave. The Director looked confused for a moment, before placing a hand on the captain’s hat on his head. He laughed, a little awkwardly.

“Right, this old thing. I’d forgotten,” he said. “I just came to make sure you got these.” He reached into a bag at his side, pulling out several pairs of sunglasses. They were similar to Antonia’s black glasses, but layered and set into a boxed frame.

“Aw, sick,” Lup took a pair, adjusting the strap behind her head. “Sweet Cyclops cosplay idea, Director.”

“They’re eclipse glasses,” he explained. “The show’s going to be starting soon, and while I know Antonia could teach you to adapt should the need arise, I’d rather that my crew  _ didn’t  _ go blind unless that was somehow necessary to the success of the mission.”

Hurley joined the group a moment later, Mavis and Mookie in tow. Mookie had a cotton candy that was almost as big as he was. Hurley smiled apologetically and sidled up against Sloane’s side. She asked, “Everyone ready for the eclipse? They finally finished setting up.”

“Shall we?” asked the Director, gesturing toward the grassy courtyard across the fairgrounds. It was covered in picnic blankets, and people were getting settled in. 

Overhead, the true moon was drifting closer to the sun. There were a few volunteers handing out glasses to anyone who didn’t already have them. Mookie clamored into Lup’s lap as she sat down, loudly chattering about the roller coaster, and how Hurley screamed  _ so loud  _ when it dipped over the edge of the base, how she almost animated it to life. A hush fell over the crowd as the sky began to darken, the moon’s edge slowly creeping over the sun.

It stayed quiet for minutes, as the sun gradually came to a sliver of light in the sky. 

As the moon finally reached its apex and set into place, all hell broke loose.

First came the sound- Louder than the train crash, louder than the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet’s supersonic blast. It had a tangible force to it, sending every Bureau member crashing back to the ground. Lup shouted as Mookie went limp against her chest. Even Hekuba and the Director were battered down, motionless.

The noise left as quick as it came, and in the silence that followed, Julia whispered, “Lup.” She raised one shaking hand to the sky. Staring down with a light that paralleled the covered sun, a million eyes blinked to life. 

A moment later, as the moon’s body began to pass the other side of the sun, the eyes disappeared. No one in the courtyard stirred. 

“What the hell was that?” Julia asked. “You saw it too, right, Lup?” 

Lup did not answer. She looked up at the brightening sky wordlessly.

To her left, Julia found Troth- Awake and focused and  _ standing _ among the fallen figured of the rest of the Burean, her expression placid despite the event that had just occurred. Julia asked, “Did you see it?” She didn’t expect an answer. 

“Yes,” Troth spoke in a quiet voice. She cautiously continued, “I do not know what it was. I am sorry.”

“No, it’s… It’s okay. I don’t know what it was either, but it’s gone now.” Julia rolled her shoulder, which had been jarred in the concussing force. “Are you okay?”

“I am unharmed.” Troth turned to the Director, a worried noise in her throat as she scooped the older man up in one large hand. He startled awake, screaming with his tail lashing until he remembered himself. Hekuba jolted up, hovering over Mavis and Mookie until they blinked their eyes open.

“What…” the Director panted, looking over the field of fallen people, “What the  _ fuck  _ happened?”

“We don’t know,” Julia said, rubbing the back of her neck. “There was a loud sound, and then there were all these eyes. That’s not normal up here, is it?”

The Director paled, rubbing at his face. Weakly, he said, “No, it’s… It’s not.”

“Am I allowed to give a 2-week notice and then  _ featherfall _ my way off-base?” Lup asked, clearing her throat to hide the shakiness in her voice.

“It’s negotiable, but I would prefer that you didn’t. Set me down, please, Troth,” the Director said. Troth lowered him to the ground, folding her hands at her waist as she awaited orders. He watched as some of the other members of the Bureau started to come to. “Could you three meet me in my office to discuss this? I would rather not alert anyone more than they already have been. Troth, please help the people here as best you can.”

“I’ll bring the kids back to the room,” Hekuba said. The Director nodded and headed off toward his office.

By the time they left the dorms, the base had been reconfigured to its normal set-up. The Grand Hall, which had previously been decorated in red ribbon, was back to its all business appearance. The Director was waiting next to a door near the throne, holding it open for the three women to step through. 

His office was very minimalist, to put it plainly. He had very few belongings in here- A wide wooden desk with a tall chair that he had to jump up into. A small steel figurine of a dog sat on one of his shelves alongside hundreds of well-loved bound books. Another door to the right side of the room, presumably leading back to his quarters. There was a painting on the wall behind him of a number of exotic birds, all perched together: A pair of yellow cockatiels, a large raven, a banded swan, a peacock with its tail feathers extended, a small hummingbird, and a bearded vulture. 

“Interesting choice in decor,” Lup said awkwardly, leaning against the door.

“Troth has an interest in ornithology,” he said stiffly. “I need to know exactly what you saw. I checked with some of our bases planetside- No one saw a thing down there. If this thing is a threat, we need to know everything about it.”

“It’s like Julia fuckin’ said,” Lup said sharply, “There was a loud noise, everyone fainted, and then there were some angry eyes in the sky.”

“Lup!” Julia said in surprise.

“I’m not allowed to be shaken up by this? It was scary, okay?” Lup defended.

“It was scary,” the Director agreed, sighing. He uncorked a bottle of wine by his desk, pouring out a glass for himself. He offered three glasses, filled them not nearly as much as his own. Hekuba figured he deserved it after the day he’d had

“Oh, damn! What’s the vintage on this bad boy?” Lup asked, pleasantly surprised by the taste.

“It’s a hundred year port,” he said, nose twitching like he was laughing at a joke only he understood. “Consider this my apology.”

“For what?” Julia asked.

“I know I ask you to do some pretty dangerous things.” He steepled his hands on his desk, tracing his thumb over the back of his knuckles. Four fingers on one hand. “I’m a very focused man, as you might gather, and I’m… Not great at remembering the concept of mortality when it comes to other people. So this is my apology for putting you into danger, and my thanks for everything you’ve done for me.”

“If your rewards are treats like this, I don’t even care about the danger,” Lup decided. 

“I would maybe care about the danger a little bit more,” he advised. “What is it the kids say? You only live once.”

“I have two children and I’ve never heard that in my life,” Hekuba said.

“You’ve also never seen a gumball machine, so who’s really at fault here?” Lup asked.

The Director laughed, leaning back in his seat. “I’ve taken up enough of your time. Get out of my office. And girls? Maybe… Keep this business about the ees between us. I don’t want to scare anyone if it ends up being nothing.”

Julia gave a waving salute, stepping out the door. When it closed behind the three of them, she asked, “Do you think Jenkins still has that bear, or…?”

“One way to find out,” Lup shrugged.

 

* * *

 

Jenkins was in his office when they arrived, having just changed out of his costume and back into his normal uniform. His ears perked towards them as they entered. He did not look at them as he said, “I am not operating the gachapon today.”

“That’s okay, it’s all coin-operated anyway. Ka-plunk,” Julia said as she dropped her coin into the machine. Jenkins looked up as the gears turned, miserable but also curious about whatever magical item was going to come out. 

Julia opened her capsule to reveal a large gauntlet, shiny and golden and inlaid with various gemstones and engraved etchings of various dice and suits of cards. It wasn’t pretty to look at, but Julia had never been concerned with fashion or style. She looked to Jenkins expectantly.

“That’s a Grifter’s Gauntlet,” he said, not even consulting his book. “There’s a pocket dimension concealed in the palm. Magicians tend to use them for, ah, sleight of hand tricks. If you’re more of a gambler, I suppose you could hide cards in there?”

“Or a really cool knife,” Julia suggested.

“That is possible. It does have a weight limit, and if you surpass it, everything you have in there will go spilling out.”

“You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing, but if I put just a  _ bunch  _ of marbles in there,” Julia started. Lup brushed by her, dropping her coin into the machine and turning the handle. 

Julia leaned in close as Lup popped open her capsule, and abruptly turned the other way and ran behind Hekuba. She shouted, “What is that?! What is he!”

Lup grinned, overjoyed as she set the capsule on the ground and lifted out her newest toy: A roughly doll-sized skeleton, which didn’t appear to do much. She laughed, “My  _ son _ !” 

Jenkins slumped against his desk. He rubbed his eyes, sighing in defeat as he says, “I was hoping no one would ever get that one. This is the worst possible situation.”

“What does he do?” Lup set the doll on Jenkins’ desk, clapping his little bone hands together. Jenkins groaned.

He flipped through his book, stopping at a handwritten page that had been added as part of a field report. “When Hurley first started at the Bureau, one of her first jobs as Regulator was to take down one of our seekers who had turned to the dark arts. When she found where they’d been hiding out, the place was empty save for this… Terrifying item.”

Lup nodded eagerly.

Jenkins prepared himself for the sentence he was about to say. “It dances.”

“ _ What! _ ” 

Jenkins spoke over her, “It is  _ filled  _ with an enchantment that hypnotizes people with… Its rhythm. Truly, this is the most dangerous item to ever be held in your hands.”

“Oh, I love him,” Lup said, holding the doll close to her body. 

“This is the worst doll you own,” Julia called from across the room.

Hekuba used her token last. She correctly turned the dial without any coaching. Her capsule was only as big as her fist, containing a small charm that resembled a golden apple.

“Let me see that?” Jenkins asked, reaching down for it. He cross-referenced his book, before handing it back. “That is very useful to you, that is the Clasp of the Giant-Slayer. It helps you against creatures bigger than yourself- And the bigger they are, the harder you can hit them.”

Hekuba nodded appreciatively. “Okay. Maybe this machine ain’t a piece of shit after all.”

“I don’t think-” Jenkins started, stopping when Julia gasped, seemingly remembering something.

“Oh! Jenkins! The bear! Do you still have it?”

“I- No. That prize was on loan from the Fantasy Costco- All proceeds from game sales went to them,” Jenkins informed her. “You’ll want to deal with the proprietor.”

“Ugh, Garfield? I hate that guy,” Lup groaned. “He asked if he could buy one of my teeth. Something about elves being powerful spell components. Yeah, good luck, Jules. We’ll go with you, but only because we don’t want you selling him your blood or anything.”

“He’s not that bad,” Julia insisted. “I can bargain with him. I was a merchant, after all- I  _ know  _ how to haggle.”

Lup and Hekuba shared a look. No one could haggle with Garfield.

 

* * *

 

The Fantasy Costco did not close for the holiday, because why would they? Hekuba had already hated regular supermarkets back in Neverwinter, but this place was like every other supermarket turned up to maximum. And on top of that, the owner was a magical talking cat. It couldn’t get any weirder.

Julia walked in and jingled her bag of coin- A surefire way to summon Garfield himself. There was a crash in the back, followed by a grey blur as he ran up to the front of the store. At first glance, he appeared to be a completely ordinary cat- Save for the little apron tied to his front and the pointed wizard’s hat with holes for his ears. And then there were the unnaturally green eyes and the terrible booming voice that came without the mouth moving.

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite customers!” the voice of Garfield projected into their heads. Lup winced and plugged her ears to no avail. “Couldn’t help but hear those coins clanking around in there! That means you have something in mind. What’ll it be?”

“I’ll cut to the chase: I’m here about the bear, and also probably a few magic items for my friends here. What do you have in stock?”

“Right this way!” Garfield bounded down the main aisle, taking a turn at the more magical selections. The glass display case had been refilled with new attractions since last time- One of them, a terrifying porcelain doll that Hekuba all but denied Lup from getting  _ this  _ time.

“As you can see, we have a number of fine items that would just love to get in your hands, but that can wait. I believe we discussed… A bear?” Garfield asked. There was a flash of smoke, and the large prize bear appeared in the aisle beside them, its massive body slouching against a shelf and taking up the entirety of the floor space. “Normally, this would cost somewhere upward of three thousand gold, but because you're my most loyal customers, I can be persuaded to knock it down to twelve hundred.”

“How much gold do you have?” Hekuba asked in a whisper.

“Like exactly enough,” Julia answered. “But I still need, like groceries and stuff.” To Garfield, she said, “How about we make a deal?”

His pupils grew larger, and his tail swished slowly. “I enjoy those words. What’s your wager, partner?”

“I have a lot of useless junk in my bag,” Julia started, setting her backpack on the shelf as she rummaged through it, “Among these spoils, I have ten feet… Of  _ string _ .”

“That’ll knock off another hundred fifty,” Garfield agreed.

She set the heap of string at her feet. “Um, let’s see… Thousand ball bearings, some lantern oil…”

“That  _ is _ useless garbage,” Garfield sniffed derisively, turning his nose up at her. he eyes Lup. “What about your mouse?”

“Who, TJ?” Lup asked. “He’s a rat, and also, no?”

“It’s a  _ magic  _ rat,” Julia plead. “You can just recreate him with some candles and charcoal. You’ve done it before.”

“I’m not gonna sell out my rat,” Lup shot down. “I’m not getting into debt with that thing. You know  _ Madoka Magica _ ? That’s how this happens. Last thing I need is my soul in a  _ rock _ . This one’s all you, Julia.”

“Alright,” she sighed. “I’ll give you the string, nine hundred gold, and… I’ll count you as my partner in the Ravensroost Merchant’s Guild. And I want the bear,  _ and  _ that mystery bag.”

“Deal,” Garfield purred. “No tradesies.”

“If there’s not, like, a gun in that bag, I will be very disappointed in you. ” Lup said as Julia started unwrapping her purchase. “Uh, Garfield, I’m  _ not _ making a deal, but I  _ am _ buying that Lens of Straight Creeping. I have a promise to keep to a ten-year-old detective.”

“I’m good this time,” Hekuba shrugged. 

Julia gasped aloud as she unwrapped her mystery bag, finding a small glass box containing a little purple jellyfish. She held it up to her eyes, studying the box. It looked magically sealed, but the jellyfish inside seemed to be alive and real. Lup tried to feel disappointment, but could not muster anything other than mild annoyance.

The group paid Garfield for their assorted purchases, and headed back to their respective dorms for the evening. Hekuba tended to Mavis and Mookie, who were still noticeably shaken by the day’s experiences. Not long after arriving back to their rooms, Hekuba found herself unable to shake the feeling of something undead nearby. She shook it off as just paranoia and festival food.

Julia and Lup, not versed in the signs of possession the way that a trained paladin was, certainly didn’t notice Graham acting any differently when they arrived. 

Lup asked, “So, you wanna know that whole shit with the eclipse? Director wanted us to keep it on lock, but you’re our roomie, so you’re gonna hear about it sooner of later.”

When Graham spoke, it was haltingly, as if he was unaccustomed to his own voice. He sounded like he’d been afflicted with an accent or something, but he’d done weirder things before _. _ He leaned up against the kitchen counter, smiling awkwardly. “Sure. Tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my longest chapter yet! i get the feeling that lunar interludes are gonna kind of do that
> 
> important rolls: i was so floored by the spread on the con save against the arrival that i actually had to take a minute to process. julia rolled a 15, which barely saved. lup, a 16. hekuba got a 6, and was down for the count. dav rolled a nat 1, and troth rolled a nat 20. julia rolled a 17 persuasion on garfield for her deal, which was enough to do it. (i worry that she came across as a bit too childish/fixated here? but let's be real, in the actual lunar interlude, magnus got high on unicorn dick, and she married that mess. they're both a little goofy and do impulsive things. plus that costco bear is worth it imo)
> 
> troth can speak! what she lost in the forgetting is something more... meaningful :-)
> 
> my main inspo for having garfield be a telepathic catlike creature IS actually kyubey from madoka, except he's just a regular ass cat. i think i read somewhere (or i wrote it, who knows) that wizards who die while using find familiar get trapped in their familiar soooooooo
> 
> ALSO hekuba's costume is wonder woman, i needed that in my life. mavis went as ruby rochester, caleb cleveland's sister series heroine! mookie was a lizard cause what else are 7-10 year olds for fantasy halloween, honestly. julia chose a lumberjack because it was what she had the most props for. lup has never celebrated midsummer before, so she didn't have a costume. alternately: she's cosplaying as herself.


	19. Frozen Account

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lup participates in some mad science. Hekuba is the only one with a fire spell. Julia takes the blame.

The energy in the Icosagon was electric. The tall stands of bleachers were filled to the brim with other members of the Bureau, waiting for the match at hand: The three up and coming Reclaimers versus a trio of seasoned veterans. Julia, Lup, and Hekuba stood across the arena from Hurley, Antonia, and Rowan. 

“ _Welcome, folks_ ,” the voice of Graham echoed over the intercom. He leaned back in the Director’s usual chair. “ _To the championship qualifier match of your very own ‘Bureau’s Best’ Brawl. The last three standing will move on to the finale free-for-all, and subsequently be named the best employee we have. I have been asked by HR to remind you all that this event is not sanctioned by the Director. You all remember the rules: No rules, just right! Ladies and gentleman of the arena, are you ready?_ ”

“I’ll take Hurley,” Julia decided, “Lup, you can deal with Antonia. Hekuba, Rowan underestimates you because you’re old.”

“I definitely do not,” Rowan called from his spot. Damn elven hearing. 

“Hey, listen to your own team! No cheating!” Julia shouted back. On the intercom, Graham started his count-down. Lup snapped her mouthguard into place. Hekuba adjusted her sweatband, looking every bit the sporty mom that she was. 

As soon as Graham reached zero, Julia and Hurley darted across the field to meet each other in the middle- They were both competitive that way. Lup raised her umbrastaff to try and level the playing field between them, but quickly darted back as hosts of angry barbed vines sprouted from the ground underfoot. It seemed that Antonia, who whistled innocently, had the same idea. Lup turned to yell at her, but yelped as Rowan aimed his bow to the sky, firing off one arrow which flashed for a second before a terrifying hail of arrows rained down from above.

Rowan laughed as both Julia and Hurley tried to dodge out of the way. His laugh quickly died in his throat as Hurley tossed his arrow back at him. He sidestepped it with an indignant squawk, just as the Director and Troth entered the Icosagon behind him.

A few things happened, then: The arena went dead silent with multiple parts dread and fear. The silence was broken by a quiet, dull  _ thwap! _ as Troth caught the arrow in her palm, a scant inch or two from the Director’s face. Julia, taking advantage of the silence, snatched the bow from Rowan’s grasp. 

“ _Uhh, shit,_ ” came Graham’s voice over the intercom.

“Quite,” spoke the Director. “Don’t you all have jobs to do, instead of betting on what I’m assuming is an underground fight club?” He looked at Julia. “And you, Miss Burnsides- I don’t even know what you were aiming at, unless you decided to suddenly try to kill the man who is paying you.”

“Would you believe if I said I was trying to do sick arrow stunts?” she offered weakly.

“Unfortunately, yes.” The Director addressed the room. “From now on, all competitions must be held with my permission. Essential personnel, like the people who are _supposed_ to be watching the Voidfish and manning the cannons,  _ cannot  _ complete unless a competent individual has been trained to take over their responsibilities. All of you are dismissed.”

The arena began to clear out with assorted whines of disappointment. Lup turned to leave, but the Director cleared his throat.

“ _ You _ three,” the Director turned to the Reclaimers, “Had better not have wasted any spell slots in here, because you’re going into the field. We have a lead on a Relic.”

“I don’t have a sitter,” Hekuba said. 

“We’ll find someone,” dismissed the Director. “How familiar are you all with the city of Goldcliffe?”

“Let’s say there are a few casinos I am not allowed to go back to,” Lup said.

“Why?” He asked, before shaking his head. “It’s not actually important. What’s important is, one of the Grand Relics- The Gaia Sash- is in the possession of a master criminal.”

“Is this our buddy cop arc?” Julia asked, excitedly.

“Julia, this  _ might  _ be your buddy cop arc,” he confirmed. “Our contact is a Seeker stationed in the local militia. He can give you access to anything you need, provided you don’t compromise his cover.”

“What does this relic do?” asked Hekuba. “We got one that shot fire, one that made nightmares real…”

“This one controls nature. Plants, animals, the weather and natural disasters- Things like that. Of course, the relic would be a lot stronger if it were out on an island, or in the forest, but I won’t complain there. In fact, that might be beneficial to us. Goldcliffe is in a desert, so the Gaia Sash is going to be a little limited in its power.”

“And this is Gaia, the general term for the earth, or Gaia, the mother of my deity?” asked Hekuba.

“Uh, I can’t really say what the- The original crafter had in mind when they made the Relic, but that’s certainly possible,” the Director stammered. “I don’t know how much help, um, Hera will  _ personally  _ be to you, against the Relic.”

“This criminal with the sash, what do they do? Is it more murder crime, ‘cause I gotta tell you, Director, I’ve had it with murders,” Lup complained.

“No, they seem to be more of a cat burglar. Goldcliffe, as you know, is a very rich city- There are plenty of targets. If they got the Relic from one of these targets, I don’t know, but they have it now, and they’re using it currently to rob a bank.”

“Why are we still talking, then! We gotta go!” Julia said, disengaging from the conversation even as her team stayed behind.

“She’s always like this,” Hekuba sighed apologetically.

“No, by all means,” the Director said, waving them off. 

Lup and Hekuba took after Julia, catching her at the transport dome. Antonia had already beaten them there, her uniform jacket pulled loosely over her shoulders and her hair still drawn up into a ponytail.

“Well, that was fast,” she remarked. “Are you already going after another relic?”

“Sure are!” Julia agreed, “We’re going to Goldcliffe this time.”

Antonia nodded, turning to her console to program the right destination. “Goldcliffe, okay. It looks like there’s a pretty nasty storm starting, but I’m guessing that’s part of the relic’s deal? Just promise me this time that you’re not going to break my toys or cause any collateral damage, I’m literally aiming you  _ into  _ the city.”

“We’ll be fine,” Lup insisted, hopping into the cannonball as it rose onto the launch pad. Hekuba took the drivers’ seat this time, with Julia sitting up front and Lup enjoying all the legroom in the back. Antonia offered them a mock-salute as she pressed the button to send them onto the track.

The pod launched eastward this time, largely horizontal, over the broad expanse of the Calim Desert. There, on the edge of the desert where the land fed into the river, a cluster of black clouds swarmed over a city. An arc of lightning bounced off of a skyscraper, the echoing thunder audible even from miles away.

“Robbing the Trust?” Lup laughed, “That’s a ballsy move.”

“How can you tell that’s where they are?” asked Julia. Lup leaned forward in her seat, pointing at the base of a twenty-story building, right at the epicenter of this storm, where a heavy sheet of ice had begun to spread. There were easily ten or twelve wagons surrounding the building, a few of which had also been engulfed.

Hekuba pulled back on the brake, guiding the cannonball to come to rest in a fairly large alleyway. 

“Was that our first successful landing?” asked Julia as the door slid open. “Maybe she should drive us more often.”

“Yeah, I appreciate not having to wade through, uh, mud, for like six hours,” Lup agreed. She stepped out of the cannonball, opening the umbrastaff to take a little bit of shelter from the rain overhead, though she would have been fine either way. The umbra-hat decided to take a wide brimmed, more traditional witch’s hat appearance today. She grumbled as Julia and Hekuba also pushed under the umbrella.

Together, the group made their way to the Goldcliffe Trust. The sirens on the wagons were muted by the storm overhead, which seemed to be getting worse by the second. Despite it being early autumn in the middle of the desert, Julia could see her own breath as they neared the growing pillar of ice. Nearby, a man in a stetson hat and a duster barked off orders to uniformed soldiers, who were trying to chip away at the glacier. It was very hard to do, because the rain above kept freezing on impact.

“Lup, you’re an evoker, right? Don’t you have, like, fire magic you can use?” asked Julia.

“Nope,” Lup shrugged. “No fire spells.”

“What are you talkin’ about? You used a fire spell on Leon,” pointed out Hekuba.

“Uh, nuh-uh. I was fresh out of slots. Good ‘ol Cappy did the work on that one,” Lup tapped the sapphire on the hat’s brim. “So unless one of y’all is about to kill me, I don’t think it’s gonna help me.”

“Hey!” shouted the man in the hat, stomping over to them. He had a bushy grey moustache and an accent not unlike Hekuba’s, which seemed to get stronger somehow every time he spoke. “You three better clear on out of here- It ain’t safe for civilians. Didn’t you see the crime scene tape?”

“No, that’s usually there after we show up somewhere,” Lup said. “Love the ring, old-timer, didn’t know the Bureau gave us that option.”

Julia noticed it too- The Bureau’s insignia, embedded into a simple silver signet ring.

“Do you all make a habit of looking at people’s jewelry whenever you meet them?” the man asked. He nodded, though, gesturing them closer to the scene. “Name’s Isaak. Director said he was sending people in, but I expected more than three of you. We need a fuckin’ army for what’s going on in there.”

“Which is?” asked Hekuba.

“We’re gettin’ robbed blind by the two most prominent criminals in the city,” Isaak scoffed, “And one of ‘em has the Gaia Sash, which is the cherry on top of the whole damn pie.”

“Is there anyone else inside, any hostages they might have taken?” 

“No, we got the place evacuated before the wall started comin’ up.” Isaak turned, watching the ice slowly creep along the sides of the building. It had to be halfway up, by now. “We got a burner team comin’ in, but with the flooding, it might be hours before they get here. We’re not really equipped for this sort of thing, you see.”

“And our wizard won’t use fire magic,” Julia sighed, rubbing at her chin. 

“I’ll take a crack at it,” Hekuba stretched her arms out, drawing her axe from her back. “I got a few new tricks up my sleeve.” She waved the axe, a burst of flame flashing to life around it. The rain did nothing to damper the holy fire.

“Well, by all means,” Isaak said, gesturing for them to have at it. The soldiers chipping away at the wall stepped away as the trio approached. When Hekuba’s axe hit the ice, it cracked all the way up the length. The flames flared over the ice, burning away a roughly human-sized chunk- Enough to reveal the door underneath, which Julia easily pushed open. As they stepped through the door and into the lobby of the Goldcliffe Trust, the ice slowly froze back over.

“This really was  _ not  _ a shorts and tank top mission,” Lup said through a shiver. 

A layer of snow covered the ground within the lobby. The chandelier overhead had crystallized into icicles, and a large fountain in the middle of the room of some small delightful cherubim was, likewise, frozen. In front of the tellers’ booths, the snow piled up against the windows. Across the room to the right, there were a pair of double doors.

As they started toward the doors, the snow audibly shifted. Turning around, Julia watched as the piled up snow by the tellers’ booths began to rise up. It fell away, revealing white scales and twenty legs which untucked from underneath a large bug-eyed beast. It shuddered, orange-tipped frills expanding from its sides as it hissed.

“Just fucking once, can we go into a room and then leave the room without getting into a fight?” Lup asked no one in particular. The monster charged across the room toward her, but once it reached the ice by the door, its dozens of legs skittered uselessly and it crashed against the wall.

Hekuba brought her axe, still aflame, down on the beast’s legs, spattering the ground in greenish blood and severed silver limbs. The snow melted away into steam as the blood hit it. Lup followed up by raising her umbrastaff, a green arrowhead forming at the tip, and firing it off into the buglike compound-eyes. The beast screeched and writhed its tail as  _ Melf’s acid arrow _ struck true and buried itself deep, the resulting burst of poison leaving the monster’s eyes white and hazy.

“Great job!” Julia praised, taking advantage of the creature’s newfound blindness to draw her daggers from her gauntlet’s palm. She dragged them in matching lines across the monster’s underside, the ground below melting enough to reveal the tiles below. It squirmed helplessly, screeching loud enough to shake the chandelier.

Hekuba brought her axe down again, catching the creature in its throat. It hissed, but seemed as though it lacked the power to move any more. Its breath was visible in the cool air. 

“We can just leave it here,”Hekuba suggested. “How much blood it’s losing? It won’t last long.”

“What  _ is _ it?” Julia asked.

“Polar worm,” Lup chimed in. She didn’t actually know how she knew that. She had never been anywhere cold in her life. “Little one, though. Our criminals probably summoned it with the relic, so we might have more surprises in store. Uh, I’m pro-killing it, though, ‘cause that blood is  _ real _ good in spells and alchemy, and I want it.”

“Blood magic, Lup?” Hekuba sighed.

“It’s not a person, it’s not like a- like a magic crime, it’s economics!” Lup unsheathed the blade at the end of the umbrastaff and dug it in. The worm went still, giving Lup a quick second to collect some of the blood in her alchemical flasks.

“Wizards are weird,” Julia said.

“When you use yourself in a weird magic experiment, don’t come runnin’ to me to help you when it breaks bad,” Hekuba sighed.

“It’s two flasks of acid! That’s not like a fucking,  _ child’s  _ heart or a unicorn horn or some shit,” argued Lup. “See if I use it to help you.”

They continued through the door and down a hallway, finding two doors ahead of them: One marked ‘Stairs’, and the other ‘Elevator’. The elevator doors had a keypad of some sort.

“Guess we’re walking?” Julia asked. Lup and Hekuba groaned, as one.

“Hell no, we’re finding the key card,” Hekuba insisted.

“Taking an _elevator_ in an _emergency_?” Julia said, disapproving. “Where’s my hall monitor mom?”

“She has short legs and ain’t walking twenty flights of stairs,” Hekuba shot back. “Lup, you have any tricks to find that key?”

“I can send my boy after it,” Lup shrugged. She removed her hat, picking up her sleeping rat familiar and holding him in her hands. “Alright, little man- You get that key for me and you’ll get two whole treats. You dig?” She set the rat on the ground, watching as he disappeared into the snow beyond.

“You really sent your pet rat to go find an elevator key?” Hekuba groaned.

“He found my missing sock last week, so I don’t see why not. He’s a  _ magic _ rat, and he’s as smart as I am. Give him a little faith,” Lup argued.

They waited in the hallway for a few minutes, watching the ice slowly climb higher and higher up the building. Eventually, the little brown rat pushed through the snow again, holding a square card between his teeth. Lup gave Hekuba a very smug look, giving her beloved familiar a kiss on the nose before dropping him securely in the warmth of her shirt. She swiped the key card, the elevator doors sliding open with a chime.

“All aboard for Team  _ Going the Right Way _ ?” she asked, stepping on. Hekuba also got into the elevator. Lup raised an eyebrow and held her hand out for Julia, who sighed reluctantly and also got on- She didn’t want to be left alone in the scary frozen bank. 

They pressed the button for the top floor and the doors closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN TOO LONG WHOOPS  
> this chapter isn't exactly the way i want it to be, but i can only do so much in an episodic format!  
> important rolls: lup rolled a 17 to save against antonia's entangle. julia and hurley both rolled under a 13 against cordon of arrows (which i modified visually, because i like mine better). troth got a 26 to catch the arrow SO UH SHE CAUGHT IT REAL GOOD. lup got a natural 20 against the young remhoraz/polar worm and dealt a total of 34 damage (!!!!!) through melf's acid arrow. lup's familiar got a 16 to look for the key card, which i let him find because he's a *magic rat who is trying to impress his mom*  
> i forgot that hekuba takes two attacks so uhhhhh that happens going forward!


End file.
